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Posts Tagged ‘tryptophan’

>GP appointment

>I didn’t really manage to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. I did kind of mean to, but at the same time I really didn’t see the point. She can’t alter my medications – only my psychiatrist is allowed to do that, and L has already said she is going to talk to my psychiatrist about putting me back on anti depressants, it was just unfortunate that my psych was off this week and so it will probably end up being another month before I get to see her.

Anyway, back to the appointment with Dr O. So yes, she can’t change my meds, and there isn’t a lot else she (or anyone else) can do, so it didn’t seem like there was much point telling her how I feel. But I did intend to try. But she started talking about how she really thought I should stop the Diazepam (ongoing theme), and so we ended up talking about that. I said that there have been quite a few times when Diazepam has stopped me from self harming or overdosing – when I have been really desperate and upset and really in a mess, sometimes taking a couple of Diazepam has taken the edge off enough to stop me from hurting myself. And I don’t know what would happen at these times if I didn’t have that. She said maybe replacing it with something less toxic (her word, not mine) would be a good idea, and asked if the physical symptoms of anxiety or the thoughts were worse – I said definitely the thoughts, as I don’t get loads in the way of physical symptoms, and those I do get I could live with if it wasn’t for the thoughts. She was clearly hoping I would answer the other way around, as she said it can be difficult to tell them apart. I asked what she was thinking of and she said Propranolol as it would apparently help with the physical symptoms and then I could cope with the thoughts, as she thinks Diazepam is just covering up the thoughts and is like putting a blanket over things. I said that is exactly WHY I take the Diazepam – because it does that. There is no way I am swapping Diazepam for Propranolol, that would be a shit exchange. I then got a bit upset and started crying because I said that so far stopping medications had been a shit idea and made everything worse. She (who was very strongly in favour of me stopping my medications) said that she didn’t think it had made things worse. I said my mood was lower, she said she didn’t think it was. I said that I thought it was, and that L thought that from a clinical symptoms point of view I was worse. She said my mood hadn’t seemed much lower to her. It kind of irritates me when professionals contradict you like this. I live with my mood – I know if it is lower or not. And she sees me for half an hour a month – L sees me for an hour and a half a week. If someone is going to notice, it is surely more likely to be L, since she spends about 12 times more time with me than Dr O does?

I also said that stopping the Trytophan was the most enormous mistake as since then I have gained 22lbs and hate myself, and can’t stop thinking about my weight and that it makes me feel suicidal, and also that I have started purging again (albeit not often) since I stopped it, and didn’t do it the whole time I was on it. She said that maybe restarting that if I really felt it had helped wouldn’t be such a bad thing, and that she would write to Dr E about that and the Diazepam. She then said maybe I could have the Tryptophan back if they stopped the Diazepam, so that if they were taking away something I felt helped, then I would be getting something else that I felt helped. She went on to say she wasn’t bartering, and I said it sure as hell sounded like it. There is no way Dr E will prescribe me the Tryptophan anyway – she was not budging an inch when I talked about it with her last time. I asked Dr O to give it to me today, because I know there is no way Dr E will, but she said it wasn’t her decision.

I do like my GP, and we get on well, and she always spends a long time talking to me etc, but she always seems very anti psychiatric drugs (I did mention that she was being very anti-psychiatry when she was going on about the Diazepam – she laughed and said not to tell the CMHT) and that does kind of bother me. I know people seem to have an obsession with stopping the Diazepam (Dr E wants to as well), but I don’t understand why they want to take away something that helps me. I know they don’t want me to get addicted to it, but I am very good with it and I only take it when I need it. It also irritates me that one of their problems with me taking it seems to be my age – both Dr E and Dr O have said they don’t like people my age being on Diazepam. I don’t get that. Age seems irrelevant. If it helps me why does it matter that I am 23? Why would they be more willing to prescribe it if I was 63?

I am still feeling really bad. Strong suicidal thoughts. As usual exacerbated by how I feel about my body and weight. I just want to make everything stop. I don’t feel like I have any energy or fight left. I feel so exhausted. And I hate that there is nothing anyone can do. It leads me back to feeling like the only viable option is suicide. Maybe it is.

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>No

>No no no no no no NO. I can’t do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn’t want to write anything because I didn’t want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.

I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.

Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can’t deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.

I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won’t they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don’t understand.

Now I am crying. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can’t do this. I just want to make everything stop.

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>I hate titles

>So, the stopping gaining that I referred to last week hasn’t happened unfortunately. Another 2lbs have been added. Nice one. I have been trying hard. I even forced myself to go to both my ballet classes this week, which ok, is only 2 hours exercise, but you would think it would be better than none right? Clearly wrong. 3 BMI points in 6 months. Not on. 2 clothes sizes. None of my normal trousers fit anymore. I got really upset a couple of days ago as I got out some trousers to wear that I haven’t worn for a while, as when I was at a lower weight they were too big for me, so I thought they would fit now. I couldn’t do them up. Every time I have to get dressed I end up crying because nothing fits, and I feel so enormous.

Last night I decided I hated the world, as it is clearly conspiring to make me fat. This included, but was not limited to, Dr E, Dr O, L, N and my parents. Everyone I come into contact with basically. I decided it was mostly Dr E’s fault for taking me off my meds, which has only managed to make me fat and more depressed. I have less hatred today, probably because I was actually half a pound less this morning, but I am still not happy with Dr E. And actually, I was talking to a friend the other day, and it reminded me about my last appointment with Dr E, which I had forgotten about.

Before I went in she said she had a medical student with her and was that ok. I don’t have a problem with students – they have to learn, so I said that was fine. I regretted that afterwards. Dr E was asking me the same sort of questions as usual, but every time I said something that she didn’t agree with, she gave her med student a look. A kind of ‘Did you hear that?’ look. Or a smirk. Or a semi eye roll. Things that made me feel about 5, and very patronised. And that to be honest, I thought were pretty unprofessional. I don’t usually have a problem with Dr E. As psychiatrists go, she is probably my 2nd favourite of all of those I have seen. But not that appointment. If she has a med student with her again I will not have them sitting in on my appointment, which I kind of feel bad about, because the med student didn’t do anything wrong, but I really disliked the way that appointment made me feel, because of the way that Dr E was with them. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it is just me that feels like that. My friend also sees Dr E, and has also had a med student in one of her appointments and said that the same thing happened with her, or that if her CPN goes to her appointments with her then Dr E will do the same thing with the CPN that she did with the med student. Surely she should be more professional than that? If she doesn’t agree with what I am saying, fine, but she doesn’t need to show it in a way that will make me feel bad about myself. It can be hard enough for people with mental health problems to talk to Consultant Psychiatrists anyway – we all know who has the power in that relationship, plus it is hard talking honestly to anyone that you only see for 20 minutes once a month, or once every 3 or 6 months. We don’t need the consultant to make it even more difficult by their attitude. I was supposed to see Dr E this week, but I had to cancel as I couldn’t get there, so am waiting for a new appointment to come through, and am hoping it is more successful than the above.

I saw Dr O today. I get the impression she maybe doesn’t really ‘get’ eating disorders/weight issues. I told her that since I last saw her I had gained half a stone. Firstly she didn’t believe me and wanted to weigh me. She looked utterly baffled by my slightly hysterical refusal to be weighed. And told me about a patient she had seen earlier in the week who had weighed 180 kilos. Apparently the scales had protested and they had both ended up laughing a lot about it all. She assured me that I didn’t weigh that much, and I wouldn’t break her scales. She then said she thought I was gaining weight on purpose (!!) so that they would prescribe the Tryptophan again. I said that I am certainly not gaining weight on purpose, and that I end up crying most days when I weigh myself. Her solution was to stop weighing myself and get rid of the scales…. So anyway, I am now thinking she possibly isn’t too hot with EDs. Although reading this makes it sound like she is a really shit Doctor, and she isn’t, and I do like her. She just seems to come out with some slightly odd statements.

My sleep is still very bad. I have given up watching the Olympics, but I am still awake all night. I got to sleep about half 6 this morning. Actually, I should probably have tried to get some sleeping tablets. Although they never actually help me sleep, so it probably wouldn’t have been worth it. At the moment I don’t really have any motivation to try and sort out my sleep anyway. Or anything else for that matter.

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>Weight

>My weight has gone up again. I can’t fucking deal with this. I know I need to eat less, but I don’t seem able to. I am going to restart writing down everything I eat, maybe that will make a difference. I am not going to ballet tonight – there is no bloody way I am getting in a leotard and tights looking like this. I need to lose weight, fast. I want my bloody tryptophan back. I need some fucking control over something.

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>Finding it hard to concentrate enough to write, so I will do bullet points.

– Purged twice so far this week. This is good that it is better than last week, but bad as I hadn’t done it at all for months before last week. And I am wanting to do it more and more often – the only thing that stops me most of the time is my parents being around, and not wanting them to know what I am doing.

– My weight is definitely an issue at the moment. Although I try not to let it, it does impact on my mood for sure, and I have ‘rules’ around it that I make before I step on the scales in the morning, like if I weigh less than X I am not allowed to kill myself, if I weigh less than X I have to go to ballet, etc etc. I am not getting dressed at the moment unless I absolutely have to, because clothes make me feel too uncomfortable. I can’t deal with them feeling tighter than I am used to, so I just stay in my PJs.

– Despite all the issues with weight I said above, I don’t seem to be able to stop eating. I know it is comfort eating, and it really isn’t helping matters, because obviously I am not losing weight, which is about the only thing that might make me feel more in control of things. I hate the doctors for not giving me the Tryptophan. Rationally I suppose I can understand why they wouldn’t, but I feel like it would help me with my depression if I could get my eating a bit under control.

– My mood has been very, very low. I have been having very strong suicidal thoughts the whole time, and it has been incredibly difficult to not act on them. Diazepam has helped me enormously. There is no way that I would have got through the night I last posted without it. It doesn’t take the feelings away, but it does take the edge off, and 2 managed to calm me down enough that I could sleep, which was by far the safest thing for me to do.

– L and I are both thinking that perhaps anti depressants do help me after all. Probably only a very tiny bit, as I still have very bad patches when on them, and have still attempted suicide when taking them etc, but right now things are the worst they have ever been, and this is the first time in 6 years that I haven’t been on anti depressants. She is going to speak to Dr E about restarting them, which I kind of have mixed feelings about, but if they can stop things from getting this bad I will take them, even if they only help by half a percent.

– Being included in TWIM on this week made me feel good. I wasn’t expecting it when I went to read it, as I had basically just written moany crap this week. It always means a lot to be included in TWIM, because it was Mental Nurse that got me into the world of mental health blogging, and I never expected to see myself on there when I started blogging. May only be a small thing, but I can see so little positive at the moment that I really need to grasp hold of the little things.

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>Stuff

>Things have been hard. Not really sure what to say. Still struggling enormously with the suicidal thoughts. Been frantically planning again. Seeing L tomorrow afternoon.

Eating isn’t good. Purged again the other day, which made it 3 times last week, which having not done it for months and months was not good. Getting fatter and fatter. My baggy jeans were really quite tight when I put them on today. Felt hideous. Hate myself for being so weak. Even though I knew my weight before that, having clothes feeling tight like that made me feel even worse, so I don’t think I am going to get dressed anymore until I lose a few lbs at least. It made me feel too horrible. Generally I don’t have to leave the house too often, so I don’t get dressed much anyway, but I will just make sure I stay in even more – can’t deal with that. Feel hungry the whole time. It makes me so angry. I wish my body would just understand that I desperately need some control over something, and I really can’t control my thoughts, so it has to be food. I hate the doctors for refusing the give me the Tryptophan. I don’t give a shit if it is off label – eating like this and my weight being like this is just adding to the depression and suicidal thoughts, so I don’t see that prescribing a fucking amino acid to me could be such a bad thing, even if it is bloody off label. Hate everyone and everything.

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>I feel shit. Confused and stressed and frustrated and just shit. New Year is stressing me out a lot. I am trying to think of it as just another day, but I can’t. I don’t want to be here. I desperately wish that people would let me go. I suppose by that I primarily mean my parents. I wish they could accept me killing myself. And I know that they never will, which just puts me in a horrible situation. I hate living, I don’t want to be here, I desperately want to kill myself, but I know that in doing so I would hurt the people that I care about the most, even if I do think it would be better for them in the long term.

I saw Dr O today. I asked her to put me on Tryptophan again. I used to take this alongside an anti depressant, as some dipshit psychiatrist thought it would make an SSRI more effective. Needless to say it didn’t, but it definitely did affect my appetite, which I didn’t actually realise until recently. Whilst I was on the Tryptophan my appetite decreased, and I lost weight without having to try too hard. Yes, I was restricting, but it was easy as I just didn’t get hungry. Then when I stopped taking it, my appetite came back and I gained weight – I am now a stone more than I was in the summer. Stupidly I didn’t link the weight changes and the Tryptophan until a week or so back, and I now desperately want to start it again. I don’t give a flying fuck if it doesn’t work as an anti depressant – I just want to feel in control of my eating again. Unfortunately Dr E, my psychiatrist, seems very anti medication for me, so I know she is not very likely to give it to me again, so I decided to ask Dr O. This was possibly a tad manipulative, as I know damn well that Dr E deals with my medication, but I thought I had more chance of getting it from Dr O so I was going to ask anyway. She said I didn’t look like I had gained weight (bullshit), and looked it up in her little pill book and said that loss of appetite wasn’t even listed as a side effect, so I made her google it, as I had done this and found that it apparently does help with weight loss, but I couldn’t remember what I had googled, and she didn’t find anything that said that, so I think she thinks I am imagining it anyway. I thought she was going to give it to me, but then she said that I am seeing Dr E in 3 weeks, and could I not wait until then and talk to her about it, and if she said no, then next time I saw her we could talk about it again. I did whine slightly and try to persuade her to prescribe it now, but she wouldn’t. The bloody frustrating thing is that I know I have some somewhere from when I took it before, but I can’t bloody find it. I could of course order them from a health shop or online or something, as Tryptophan is just an amino acid, not a ‘real’ drug, but since I know that the prescription version makes me lose weight, AND I get my prescriptions free, I want it on prescription ideally. But if Dr E says no I will just order it online.

I miss L. It is still 6 days until I see her, and she is the only person I trust to talk to at the moment. I fucking hate attachment. Why do I only get attached to people who I can never have a real relationship with, like therapists, or Doctors, or when I was younger teachers? Why can’t I form an attachment to someone who can genuinely care about me in return? I want L to care about me. I want her to take me home with her and look after me and adopt me. Which of course is never going to happen, and is also a complete contradiction to my saying earlier that I wished people would stop caring about me and let me go. I really do confuse myself. I also really wish that I could see L more than once a week, and I genuinely don’t think that is just because I am attached to her. It just goes so quickly, and I have more to talk about than can fit in that time, especially because of the way our sessions tend to go (bit of general chat, recommending books to each other, moaning about the NHS etc). We do virtually always run over, which makes up for that stuff, but even so, there just isn’t time. I usually write stuff during the week, about how I am feeling and what I am thinking etc, which she then reads, as she finds it useful to actually see how I am feeling at times when I am not there, because my memory is atrocious, and so although I may be able to say ‘Oh, tuesday was crap, I felt awful’, I won’t remember what I was feeling and thinking that made it awful etc, so I suppose it gives her more insight. And I try to be as honest as possible when I am writing, and so it does mean that I end up writing about things that I possibly wouldn’t talk about. So anyway, she reads what I have written and we talk about some of it, and then that kind of takes up most of the session. I feel like I need another session a week to talk more in depth about some of the things that come up. She has said that she is going to start reading what I have written in the previous week, and make her own notes on it etc, which I can then read the next session to make sure that we aren’t missing out on anything I have written that may be significant, and so I can see her observations on it etc, which might be interesting. But I just feel like I need more time. I want to ask if there is any chance I could see her twice a week, but I know the answer is likely to be no, so there doesn’t seem much point, plus I would be a bit embarassed asking.

I had a Diazepam when I started writing this, so am feeling marginally calmer now. I may attempt sleep. This was rather long again. Ah well.

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