Posts Tagged ‘sleep’

It isn’t getting any easier. Last night was horrible. I literally was unable to keep my eyes open, and fell asleep, crying because I needed to stay awake longer so that I could wait for my parents to go to bed and kill myself but just couldn’t do it. I slept for a few hours, and then woke at about 2:30am I think. I was still feeling utterly exhausted, but not sleepy. I needed the toilet but I didn’t have the energy to move, so I held it in for about three hours before I finally reached the point where it was moving or wetting the bed. When I woke up I was questioning whether or not it was too late in the night to go ahead with my plan. I don’t do things on impulse, and I will not attempt suicide unless I think there is at least some chance of it working, and obviously the higher the better, and for my first choice plan this means leaving as much time as possible before anyone will find me. My second choice plan isn’t time limited, but is very much a last resort plan as far as I am concerned. I knew that the man from the DWP could arrive any time after 9:30am, which meant that potentially I didn’t have that long, or at least not in comparison to the length of time I would sometimes have, and I was yet to write the note I wanted to leave, which would have taken some time, and so ultimately I decided I couldn’t do anything. I decided I would prefer to wait one or two more days and have a higher chance of it being successful. I was still very upset about it all though, and once I had woken up I couldn’t get back to sleep for at least four hours. I came online and talked to Danni on Facebook chat for a long time, who was very supportive. I found I was getting increasingly worked up about everything, and so in the end decided to call out of hours, and ended up speaking to the same woman I had spoken to the previous night. She seemed different last night – I suspect she had looked at my notes and seen the BPD diagnosis, as she was certainly less supportive than she had been the night before, and started going on about doing a part time college course and moving out and various other things that feel beyond me when I am doing better, let alone at the moment, whereas the previous night she had been surprised by the lack of support and was telling me I needed to fight to get suitable help. Of course I can’t prove anything, but her attitude was definitely different last night. It didn’t really help talking to her, as the things she was talking about were just so far out of my realm of possibilities that it was more frustrating than anything else. After I spoke to her I came back online for a little while, but was feeling really quite upset, and decided I would go and invade my mum’s bed and sleep in there, which I sometimes do when I feel shit.

Today my mum woke me up at around midday, as the DWP man arrived. It was pretty ridiculous really – he had been sent around because the Inland Revenue had a query about the amount of interest my savings account had made in 06/07. They thought it seemed too high. I said that since I have always had to send off bank statements to the DWP, they have always known how much money I have, and so I don’t see how there can be a query about the interest, when they had a statement to go with it. He said it clearly hadn’t been entered on the system properly or he wouldn’t have been sent around. It seems ridiculous that they will send someone around about something from five years ago, that would have been unnecessary if people had done their jobs properly. He then had to go through all of his form and ask if I had had any changes in circumstances, if I was still unable to work, etc etc. I have got to dig out all of my bank statements since November ’09 and send them to him – that will be a mission. He was very friendly though, not remotely confrontational or pushy, and if I hadn’t been feeling so awful and exhausted it wouldn’t have been remotely stressful.

This afternoon my mum dragged me (pretty much literally) out on a walk with the dog with her. I didn’t want to go – I felt ridiculously tired, my head was feeling like it was going to explode, and my legs felt like lead. I can’t say it was remotely enjoyable, in fact I loathed it, but at least they can’t say I am not trying. She has also been making sure I have some food, although I have absolutely no appetite. I am not eating three meals a day, or anything even approaching it, but I am having something every day. The suicidal thoughts have been very intense again today. I got very upset earlier and just kept telling my mum I wanted to die. Today I felt like I reached a point where I no longer wanted help, I didn’t care that L wasn’t doing anything, or that I couldn’t see the crisis team, or anything else. I just don’t care anymore. I am too drained and too exhausted, and too sick of fighting. I have given up on trying to get help, as it clearly doesn’t work, and I feel fine about that. I just don’t want to be here.

Today I have felt very undecided about whether I was going to act on the thoughts tonight or not. It is actually another blogger who has made me decide not to do anything tonight. I desperately want to, but another day can’t hurt right?? A couple of days ago the lovely Karita offered to come and visit me tomorrow. At the time I was planning to kill myself last night, but since I am still here today, I have decided that I can get through one more night. It amazes me how kind and caring people can be – I am so grateful to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me. It means so much. Lovely Frankie phoned earlier and we had a nice chat. I feel very lucky to have such caring people around me, albeit online rather than in person (except for tomorrow of course). I also have my GP appointment tomorrow, which again, I wasn’t planning to be here for, but the combination of that and Karita visiting are making me think I must get through tonight. I know there is nothing my GP can do, and as I said, I am past the point where I want help to be honest, but she was very caring and supportive when I spoke to her yesterday, and she said repeatedly that she really wanted me to go and see her tomorrow, so I will. There really is nothing she can do – L has effectively blocked both the crisis team and hospital, and I don’t even think that seeing the crisis team would be enough anymore anyway, and I don’t want to be in hospital. I think this is the worst depression I have ever been in. It isn’t lifting at all, and there is usually at least some part of me that wants help, but trying so hard to get it and getting nowhere has just taken the last of my fight out of me, and I have nothing left. I have been trying to do what I am told – I went to bed early last night, and it was a disaster, I went for a walk and hated it, and it exhausted me to the point that I had to go back to bed and just lie down in the dark when I got back – I didn’t even have the energy to have my laptop on. At least nobody will be able to say I haven’t tried everything. But I will get through tonight, and tomorrow I will spend some time with Karita, who is lovely (and I am sure spending time with friends must be another approved thing to do – they always seem to ask if I have friends I can see), and I will see my GP, and hopefully that will be the end of my involvement with any professionals. I did feel like it was unfair of me to let Karita come all this way to see me when I am such a mess and will probably be really shit company, but she has assured me that she doesn’t mind. I don’t care what anyone says – the internet is really really great. (Any musical theatre fans can carry on with the lyrics from there!)


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I am absolutely exhausted, to the point where I don’t think I can keep my eyes open any more. I got very little sleep last night, and it has been a really draining day. I feel gutted. I was really determined to kill myself tonight, but my parents will still be up for another hour/hour and a half, and I don’t think I can say awake that long. I feel immensely frustrated. My GP rung me earlier, after afternoon surgery. Actually she rung the landline and spoke to my mum first, but I don’t know what she said to her. Then she spoke to me and said that things were really tough at the moment weren’t they, and I said yes. She said how it seemed a particularly bad period, and I said it is. I talked to her for quite a while. I got quite upset several times. She said she wanted me to go and see her Friday – I said I couldn’t cope and I intended to be dead by then. She said that she had spoken to L, and L had very clearly told her not to refer me to the crisis team under any circumstances. She kept saying she really wanted to see me on Friday and we could talk about things then. I said there was no point, as there was nothing she could do, and I wanted to die today, but she said she was putting it in her diary anyway and would expect to see me. She said I sounded too exhausted to act on my thoughts. I said I was absolutely shattered but that I would find the energy. And yet now I don’t seem to be able to, and it is upsetting me. I can’t remember what else my GP said. She was very supportive, but it was also very clear she had been told by L not to suggest admission or crisis team input, as she responded different to how she usually would, and did make a point a couple of times of saying she had spoken to L. I said how pissed off and upset I was that I felt like I was being treated like a typical Borderline, and given no support or help, when this was quite clearly a depressive episode, and that if I didn’t have a BPD diagnosis there was no way on earth that I would just be left to get on with things like this with no support, and people knowing I was planning to kill myself. She didn’t disagree.

My mum then wanted to talk to me. I explained to her the same BPD/Depression frustrations, and how I don’t understand why when I meet every criteria without exception for one illness, and just about manage to get the 5 criteria needed for diagnosis for the other, that is seen as my primary diagnosis and I am treated based on that. She asked to see the diagnostic criteria and printed it off and said she would call L tomorrow. I also told her how much L had changed – that she used to be really supportive and caring and how she is just totally unhelpful and I think she hates me, and I think she has been taken over or replaced or something, because it is genuinely like she is a different person – based on the way she speaks to me now compared with six months ago I wouldn’t recognise her as the same person. I am worried about my mum talked to L. L can clearly force her way of thinking onto others, in the way that she has with my GP (although I believe it was somehow forced onto L in the first place, but I am not sure how) and so she will make my mum think she is right about everything. All of this was probably about a ten minute conversation and then she seemed to get bored of the wanting to talk thing and went off downstairs, and then later when I said I thought she wanted to talk, she first of all said that I wouldn’t ever talk to her, then remembered I had and said that we had already talked and that she wanted to go downstairs and drink her wine. I can’t trust anyone. Nobody is reliable. I was prepared to tell my mum everything, including my suicidal intent, but she was more interested in going and having a glass of wine. My GP has been restricted so she is as good as useless, as she can’t even refer me to someone, and it doesn’t matter how sympathetic she is, if she can’t do anything it doesn’t help. And L has changed beyond recognition.

I can’t keep my eyes open. I suppose I am going to have to sleep. Maybe I will be able to wake up in the night. I don’t know. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to get through tonight. I want to die. But it appears that my GP was right and I am too bloody exhausted to even do that. I feel thoroughly useless.

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>I don’t know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can’t sleep properly. I don’t seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can’t read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can’t concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren’t any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet – he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn’t have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn’t leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn’t convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me – his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me – he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn’t have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn’t an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don’t want to be without my teddy. It is my mum’s birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don’t ruin the day for her, and I don’t think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.

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>Today has been a strange day in that nothing has happened. That wouldn’t usually be strange, but given that when I saw the crisis team yesterday they told me they would be speaking to L and psychiatrist today and try and get me an appointment to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and then when I spoke to the crisis team woman last night she said they were going to phone first thing today (amongst other threats), I am slightly baffled that I haven’t heard from anyone. They may have tried to phone the landline I suppose, but I gave them my mobile number when I was first referred to them and told them to contact me on that as I don’t answer the landline (I don’t like not being able to see who is calling, and nobody ever phones me on the landline, so I just end up being an answerphone on the odd occasion I do answer it), and so they have called my mobile whenever they have rung me, plus there is no answerphone on the landline, so I am assuming they haven’t called, and I haven’t heard anything from L either. I wasn’t necessarily expecting to, as I am due to see her in the morning, but if for example the crisis team had spoken to her and decided to stop seeing me, I would have thought she would have phoned, or they would have phoned to tell me so, and if they are still seeing me then I am not sure why they haven’t contacted me.

I am not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is relieved. I didn’t want to speak to scary woman from last night again. And I was feeling less and less like I wanted help yesterday, and feeling increasingly that it was a mistake to tell my GP how I was feeling and get referred to the crisis team, so perhaps it is for the best. But I dislike changes to plans, and the plan was that they were going to call me this morning, so for that reason I don’t like that they didn’t, just as I didn’t like that they didn’t call yesterday but just randomly turned up. I suppose I am still slightly concerned that might happen and that they will just randomly arrive, but I think it is unlikely now that it has got to this time of day and I haven’t heard from them at all. And I would certainly have a massive complaint if they did turn up and felt it appropriate to break confidentiality as threatened yesterday, after not even contacting me all day, as they are quite clearly not concerned.

I was supposed to go to ballet and rehearsal tonight but I couldn’t face leaving the house. I did try to make myself, but in the end it just felt impossible. I told the director of the show that I have an upset stomach. I just couldn’t even face the showering and getting dressed part, let alone leaving the house and having to be sociable. I think I would just end up having a complete melt down. I don’t even want to leave the house to see L tomorrow, but I will. I am also exhausted. My sleep isn’t really improving, although I have taken 10mg Diazepam the last two nights, at the suggestion of the crisis team. It was about 6am when I got to sleep, and then my sleep was quite disturbed, and I eventually stopped trying to sleep at about 12, so allowing for the time spent awake I think I got a maximum of about 5 hours. I am still feeling much the same really, although feeling less like I want help. I am not sure if that is because I am feeling worse, or because I felt intimidated by the woman last night and it has scared me. It sounds ridiculous as they are meant to help, but I found that whilst I was talking to her the suicidal thoughts were just getting more and more intense, and I was getting a lot of really graphic images in my head, which I wasn’t able to shake all night, or today. I have been having quite intrusive thoughts regarding killing myself, which have been somewhat different in content to my usual thoughts. I am feeling thoroughly exhausted.

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>I have had a visit from the crisis team. They called about 2:30 and checked it was ok to come, and arrived about an hour later. It was a man and a woman, both of whom I have seen before, but don’t really remember much about. I had a vague recollection of the man when I saw him but if he hadn’t said that he had seen me before I doubt I would have remembered. The woman I recognised by her voice – she has a lovely Irish accent, and so when she spoke I remembered seeing her before. It all feels a bit of a blur, I feel a bit like I have been hit by a bus. Not implying that they were bus-like or anything. It is just exhausting. The man did all the talking whilst the woman wrote notes.

They asked how I was, and I fairly stupidly said ok. Because it seems like the polite reply? What I find confusing about the crisis team is that they ask questions that either they already know the answer to, or if they don’t then they should, as it would only take a quick peek at the notes. There seemed to be a bit of confusion as they started by saying I had switched GPs to the one I go to now, and that I used to be under another county, and I said yes, but that was two and a half years ago. I have been under the care of the crisis team since then. They then went on to say I had been under a CMHT in the other county, and I said yes, but again, that was two and a half years ago, and I have been under my current one since, and they then asked if I was still under my current team and who my care coordinator was, and when I last saw her. Surely this is all fairly simple stuff that would literally have taken a quick glance at my notes to find out? Anyway, then they said I had been to my GP yesterday and told her I was feeling depressed and suicidal and so she had referred me to them. It sounded slightly accusatory – I really didn’t want them to think I was being attention seeking and to be written off as being another Borderline etc. I explained that I see my GP monthly and yesterday was just a routine appointment, but that obviously we had discussed how I was feeling. They asked some questions about how my mood was, how long it had been like it etc, and asked what had concerned my GP and made her contact them, and I said that she hadn’t said she was concerned, but presumably saying I was suicidal? Seemed a bit obvious to be honest…. They asked about medication and I said that I was only on PRN Diazepam (again, perhaps check the notes?) but that when I spoke to L earlier in the week she had said perhaps it was time to consider medication again, and they agreed with that and said that they thought I should see Dr E. It is all a bit vague. I was finding a lot of things quite distracting – my head for a start, but then I have been having a lot of issues with external noises lately – I can’t even have music or the TV on in the background like I would usually as I find it stressful and irritating, so noises like the wind howling (and my house is 16th century and therefore one big draft – the wind really howls) and the dog barking etc make me very tense. It appears that this was obvious in the way that I was behaving, because at one point when I talked about how difficult it was to distract myself because of not liking any noise, they said that they had noticed how tense and agitated I seemed by the dog barking and when the wind got louder etc. They talked about my sleep and went through the usual things of no caffeine too late at night, try having a bath before bed to relax you, try taking extra Diazepam etc. They asked about getting out of the house and seeing friends etc, and I said I didn’t really see any friends, and that apart from my appointment with my GP yesterday I last left the house on Wednesday for rehearsal. They asked about my suicidal thoughts, and I talked for a few minutes about wanting to die, and how I feel it is perfectly reasonable given how long I have been feeling bad for etc. I think it was around this time the woman took over the talking. I liked her voice. Her accent was soothing. They asked if I thought about suicide methods, and I said constantly, and they asked if I could tell them what. I hesitated over this for a minute, as I didn’t want anything taken from me or anything, so I said that I didn’t really like talking about a plan. They asked if there was anything I could do to make myself safer so that I would be less likely to act on it, like give them anything, and I said that at the moment I didn’t feel like I wanted to be safe – that I wanted to be able to act on the thoughts, because I didn’t want to be alive. They asked if I would call if I needed to – if I was feeling worse, and I tried to explain what I had said to the man yesterday – that if I was feeling like I was going to act on my thoughts then I couldn’t call because I would be too determined by that point and I wouldn’t want help.

She got a bit tougher at that point – prior to then she had been quite softly spoken and gentle, and I kind of assumed she was just that type, but she got a lot more kind of authoritative and assertive and I realised she wasn’t the type of person to try and bullshit actually. She went on to talk about supporting me over the weekend – she said they could call me tomorrow, and visit again if necessary, and that then on Monday they would talk to L about what the best option was, but that I had to be willing to work with them and to try and keep myself safe etc. She said one of the things that I would be expected to do was call them if I needed to, if I was feeling at risk or something. I said I understood what she was saying, but that I would not be able to call if I was feeling like I was going to act on my thoughts, because if things felt any worse and I was feeling any more overwhelmed then I wouldn’t want help. She said she understood that, but that she would want me to call before it got to that point, if I felt like things were getting worse, rather than waiting until it was at the point where I was about to kill myself. That made sense, but at the same time it didn’t – if things were any worse then I would be at the point where I was about to kill myself. That was why I had told my GP and the crisis team man I spoke to last night how I was feeling. I don’t think there would be a middle step between here, and being at the point where it was too late for me to want help. I was feeling ambivalent about it anyway. So I wasn’t really sure what to do about that, and I’m still not to be honest. I am feeling unsafe, although I think I can probably get through tonight because it isn’t a night I would consider suitable, but I am struggling with that. For some reason I didn’t know how to put that into words, so I couldn’t explain, so I just said that I would try. She said how the crisis team is an alternative to hospital admission, and how obviously in hospital you have staff around you all the time, which you obviously don’t with them, but that was why they gave out this number, and to call it if I needed to talk to someone. And that was more or less it really. Or at least it wasn’t, but it was all I can remember.

I am not sure what to feel. I am absolutely exhausted. I have been writing this on and off for 4 hours now – they hadn’t long left when I started it, and it is now 8:30. My head is all over the place. I just can’t think or concentrate and I am finding my thoughts really distracting. I am glad they weren’t completely dismissive like I was concerned they might be, but I am still feeling unsure about whether I can get through this, even with their support. I do feel like I need to see them again tomorrow, but it is difficult as my parents will be home all day, and I feel extremely uncomfortable trying to talk to someone if my parents are in the house, partly because I am worried about being overhead, and that makes me not want to be honest, and partly because I don’t trust them not to insist on speaking to my parents as has happened in the past, which I don’t think is fair when I am an adult who just happens to live with my parents. I am so tired, and I have a headache, but I think that if I try and sleep now I will wake up in a few hours and not be able to get back to sleep. I don’t know what to think about everything. I need to stop writing because trying to think is hurting my head.

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>I had an appointment with my GP this afternoon, as I mentioned yesterday. I had quite mixed feelings about what to say to her. I didn’t know how much to say. I didn’t know if I wanted help or not. I didn’t know whether I would be able to get help or not, even if I did ask for it. I just knew how suicidal I was feeling, and that if I left there without asking for/getting support then I would not get through the weekend – it just wasn’t going to happen. Within a couple of minutes of me going in she commented that I seemed to be having trouble with my concentration, which I am. I keep losing my train of thought in the middle of a sentence and then just kind of drifting off and forgetting what I was answering. I can’t really remember the appointment very well, I don’t remember what order things happened, or even what she asked really. I know I was in there for quite a long time. I told her how bad my sleep was, and she asked if I had any of the sleeping tablets left, and I said that I did but they didn’t help, which was why I hadn’t been taking them really. She had received a letter from the psychologist that had been sent to L that she had been CCed on, and asked me what that was about. I told her I had an assessment with the psychologist and she had put me on the waiting list for CAT. She asked if there being a psychologist there was new, as she never seems to have any patients who are seeing them, and I said that it wasn’t, but since there is only one part time psychologist in the team not many people get to see her. She asked what CAT was, and how it was different from CBT, and I tried to explain, but my mind was really wandering, so she is probably none the wiser. She asked how long the therapy lasts for, and I said either 16 or 24 sessions, and she asked how long the waiting list was and I said up to 18 weeks. She got very frustrated by that – she said how ridiculous it is that there are such long waiting lists for things like that, particularly when the government are so keen to get people back to work and all that sort of thing – she said it really winds her up that mental health services are so underfunded. At some point I started getting slightly upset – I wasn’t crying, but I knew that if I tried to speak I would start crying, so I just sat there trying to breathe for a minute. She was very sweet and asked what the matter was. When I finally felt like I could speak without bursting into tears I told her that I was just really struggling and feeling really bad. She asked how long I had been feeling like this for, and said (as predicted!) what a shame it was when I had been doing so well. I said I was just feeling really awful and the suicidal thoughts were really strong, and she said how I have felt like this before and that I know it will pass and so I could get through it, and I said that I didn’t want to, I just wanted to die. She joked that if I said that she would have to suggest I started cross stitching again. She asked when I was seeing L, and I said that I was due to see her Tuesday. She talked to me for quite a while asking if I had any plans over the weekend, and if I had any friends I could see or talk to or anything who were supportive. She was very supportive and kept trying to encourage me that I could get through, and said to try and find something I could do over the weekend, and then go and talk to L on Tuesday, and that I could see her again sooner than usual if I felt I needed to, and that she was really sorry I was feeling so bad, but that it would get better etc. I didn’t really know what to say – I find it really difficult to be totally blunt about how bad things are when I am actually speaking to someone, and I just felt so drained, and like I was going to burst into tears, so I said goodbye, and got about 2 feet outside her door and turned around and went back in and said I really didn’t feel able to get through the weekend. She asked what I would like her to do, and I said I had no idea, I just couldn’t cope. She asked if I had the out of hours number, and I briefly explained the mess of when I tried to call a couple of weeks ago. She said that was ridiculous, and that she was going to call the crisis team and ask them to make contact with me over the weekend, and that hopefully having that support would make it easier to keep going. Overall she was very supportive, and I felt like she actually gave a shit about what happened to me. Obviously mental health isn’t her area of expertise, but when I am truly in crisis she does seem to try hard to support me. She spent a long time with me today – I must have been with her for about 40 minutes, and she did genuinely seem to care.

About an hour later I got a call from the crisis team. To be honest I wasn’t really expecting them to call today – I thought it would be tomorrow, so I was quite surprised. I spoke to a man whose name I can’t remember who actually seemed perfectly nice. Initially I thought it was going to be one of those quick ‘oh great, we’ve had a Borderline referred, better give them a quick ring’ calls that I have had in the past. He did things like asking if this was the first time I had felt like this (I always wonder why they ask things like that when they quite clearly have your notes in front of them) and then asking what had helped me get through in the past, or if after a while I just started feeling better, and when was I next seeing L. I said that nothing really helped, but that after a while it would start to get a bit easier. He said the stuff about how if I have got through it before then I could again, and I said that I didn’t want to. That I was sick of getting through a really horrible patch just for another one to come along, and that I just didn’t want to be here any more. I also said that this was actually the worst I had felt for quite a long time – that the suicidal thoughts were stronger this time than they have been for a long time. He asked how long, but I didn’t really know – again, my whole conversation with him was rather stumbling and confused as I just couldn’t think properly. I said I have been feeling bad for years now, and things never get any better and that I have just had enough – that I don’t want to be here. He asked if I had any plans regarding suicide, and I said that it was all I could think about. He asked what I would do, and I said that I didn’t want to say because that makes things rather awkward (as in my experience they have then merely attempted to take away whatever method I say I am planning, which doesn’t solve anything, as I am still left with the feelings). He asked if I had the means to carry it out, and I said yes, and that if I couldn’t use one method then I would use the other that I consider. He asked if I would call someone if I felt I was going to act on my thoughts, and I said no – that if I was any closer to suicide then I wouldn’t want to speak to anyone because I wouldn’t want to be stopped, and that it was difficult enough to tell Dr O how I was feeling, but that if I was about to do something then I would not call anyone, as it would seem completely counterproductive – if I was any more suicidal than I am now then I would just want to die, I wouldn’t want to talk to someone. We talked about my sleep, and how the nights are when I feel most unsafe, as I know I have quite a few hours when my parents are asleep, and so it would be quite a long time before anyone found me etc. He asked about plans for the weekend etc, and I said I didn’t have any. He said that the crisis team could visit me tomorrow, but that I needed to commit to keeping myself safe and would that be ok. I said I couldn’t promise that – that I could try, but I couldn’t give him a guarantee, because I didn’t know for sure, and there would be a chance I wouldn’t be able to. He asked why not, and I said that if things got too overwhelming then I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t act on the thoughts, and he said that he was hoping that if they were seeing me and giving me support then it would stop that from happening, but that he understood and wouldn’t ask me to promise, and that they would come out to see me tomorrow. He did ask me more, but I can’t remember, and I can’t remember the order of most of the conversation. At first I felt like he was just going to make a quick five minute phone call where he would ask when I was seeing L, reassure me that I had got through times like this before, and say to talk to L about it when I saw her, but actually he talked to me for a long time, and was pretty thorough and reasonable. He said they would come out and visit me tomorrow, but that if I needed to speak to someone before then I could call, and he said that he would give me their number, which he shouldn’t really do until after they had seen me and assessed me, but that if I needed to call then to phone that, which goes through to a call centre where you leave your name and number, and someone would then call me back as soon as possible. So I have them coming out to see me sometime tomorrow, which I am quite nervous about. I would actually really like it to be him that came out, but that is very unlikely. It’s funny, as usually I am much more comfortable with women than men, but the women who work for the crisis team seem to be either patronising, dismissive, intimidating, or a combination of the above, whereas there have actually been a couple of men who have seemed very reasonable. I am pretty much expecting it to be a couple of the scary women (there is one in particular who I have seen several times who I find really intimidating so am really hoping it isn’t her) who will come out and either be very dismissive and say that I seem to have suicidal thoughts frequently and that I can get through this and to talk to L on Tuesday, perhaps also breaking my confidentiality by talking to my mum and telling her to confiscate all pills and dressing gown cords etc as I am a suicide risk, as that tends to be my experience with the crisis team, but I am really hoping it isn’t like that. It is over two years since they last came out to see me etc – I think I have been referred one other time since then, but someone just spoke to me on the phone and decided I would be ok, and I have been assessed by them several times in A&E, during Summer ’09, but I haven’t actually had a visit from them for over two years, and I am a bit nervous. I hate the way they always visit in pairs – it feels really intimidating. I just really, really hope that it is someone who actually takes me seriously and tries to help, rather than just dismisses how I am feeling in the way that they so often seem to. I tried to be really honest with the man on the phone, as I figured it couldn’t do any harm – it couldn’t take suicide away as an option, but it might get me some support. I hope that I can do the same tomorrow, and that they actually take me seriously like he seemed to. I suppose if they don’t I won’t be any worse off than I would have been had I not seen them though. And it might help. The difficulty is, that as I explained to him, it is the night time that I feel most unsafe, and even if they are doing daily visits, they can’t be here now, when the thoughts are at their strongest. But I will just have to see how it goes.

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>Surely I will have to sleep better tonight?! I have to. I have been so exhausted and felt so dreadful today – I surely can’t have another night as bad as last night??

I am feeling really hopeless. I don’t understand why you are always told to tell someone if you are feeling suicidal, but then if you do then you don’t get any support or help. What is the point of telling someone? I have an appointment booked with my GP tomorrow, just because I see her every month for meds etc. I don’t really see the point of going. There are no meds she would give me that I could use. I don’t need the usual meds if I won’t be around. She wouldn’t be able to help with how I am feeling now even if I told her, which I would be unlikely to do. I could tell her, but I know there is nothing she could do, and she would try and help by suggesting something I find unhelpful or unrealistic – previous examples have included going to church, learning to cross stitch, and most randomly of all, training as a DBT therapist because it sounds like a good therapy that isn’t available in our area….. Also, if I ever tell her I am doing badly she tells me I have been so much better for so long, which is of course always bollocks – I just haven’t bothered telling her how I have been feeling generally because I know she can’t help. So I can’t imagine that telling her would help anything, but I am feeling so bad that I don’t know if I could fake it in the way that I usually do. And will end up feeling patronised, and hopeless that yet another professional knows how I am feeling but hasn’t done anything to help, which is the inevitable outcome. So that makes me want to not go at all.

I just want to make everything stop. I want to die. Living feeling like this is not an option, and I can’t get any help, despite trying. I have tried so hard. Asking L to call me today when she hadn’t got back to me earlier in the week was really difficult to do, because I was already feeling really rejected and hurt by it, and even though she was nice when I spoke to her it just confirmed that I didn’t matter enough for her to bother contacting me, and that despite knowing I was feeling very suicidal she didn’t suggest or do anything. And I know there is a limit to what she can do, but there is also a limit to how long I can keep going like this, and nobody seems to realise that.

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