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>So, my childhood. I didn’t talk about all of this with L, but I decided I wanted to write about all of it, to put it into context. My childhood memories are fairly sketchy. I only remember odd bits here and there. I have no memories from when I was very young, and really very few before the age of about 10. And even after that, I know certain situations happened etc, but I don’t remember how I felt about them or anything. So a lot of it is quite hazy.

I always think of myself as having a happy childhood, and I think it was overall, and certainly was compared to the experiences of many others, which means I am always reluctant to criticise it in any way. But there were downsides. For a start, I never fitted in. From as far back as I can remember I just didn’t fit in with most other children. I was more comfortable with adult company, which is probably unsurprising, given that I have 3 older siblings, and the closest of those to me in age is 12 years older than me. So I was used to being around adults the majority of the time. When I was young, and I am thinking back from when I was very young up to about the age of 11 or so, I was probably what Lexie would refer to as a ‘pretend child’. I spent hours and hours sitting reading. I would wander around stately homes and gardens with my parents. I was always beautifully dressed. Overall I was pretty well behaved. Which is lucky really, because punishing me generally consisted of sending me to my room, where I would become engrossed in a book, and when told I could go back downstairs reply that I was ok in my bedroom reading thank you. I went to dance classes, and was a Brownie, and had riding lessons. I did well at school. I was intelligent. I had a reading age far higher than my actual age. I got all my spellings right. I think I was generally fairly amenable, although my parents may say otherwise of course… I got on well with my parents. I got on well with my siblings. My sister (yes, the one who now hates me) absolutely doted on me as a young child. So in that sense I was a good child, with a happy childhood.

The less positive things were that as I mentioned, I never really fitted in with my peers – probably because of being a pretend child. I had a best friend (whom I will refer to as C for this post), who I met when I was 4, who lived just down the road from me, and we were at school together until I moved school after a couple of years. I was very possessive over her. I wanted her to play with me the whole time. I wasn’t interested in playing with any of the other children – she was my best friend, and she was the only person I wanted to play with. I don’t remember it, but I apparently used to come home from school incredibly upset if she had been playing with other people instead of me. Early attachment issues, or is that too psychoanalytical? There was another girl at that school (who will be referred to as H for this post) whose mother used to look after me after school when my mother was working, and when I switched schools, she also switched half a term later. She was a very strong character. A bully essentially. Again, I don’t remember it, but apparently sometimes when I would go there after school she would lock me in her bedroom and leave me in there and not let me out. Sometimes she would be nice to me. Other times she wouldn’t. When I moved school at 7, I left C behind, although I still saw her a lot, and whilst I got on fine with the children at my new school, again, I didn’t really fit in. I wasn’t ‘cool’ in any way. I was certainly not one of the popular girls. I would try and tag onto some of the other less popular girls, but I remember often finding myself alone. I was also ill a lot – I had a lot of problems with my ears – constant ear infections, multiple burst eardrums, various other infections. I spent an awful lot of my childhood on antibiotics. My mum generally used to still send me into school when I was ill, as she worked there, and I was too young to stay home alone, so I either went to lessons, or if I was really ill I went to the sick bay. I didn’t enjoy school though. From a fairly young age I remember exaggerating how ill I felt to try and get out of going to class. I remember pushing near the bottom of my neck to make me retch so that my mum would think I was sick. I am not sure why I didn’t want to go to school, as it wasn’t like I struggled with the work or anything, and it was a nice school. I just didn’t want to go.

I have also had issues with food my entire life. Not an eating disorder, but I have always been an incredibly fussy eater, to the point where it has interfered with my life. In some ways I am slightly better now with that, but overall the foods I will eat now aren’t very different to those I would eat as a child. When I was inpatient on an eating disorder programme they said I had always had disordered eating because of how fussy I was. I don’t know whether or not this is true, or what is behind it, or if it contributed to my eating disorder in later life, but there have certainly always been issues surrounding food. I was always very attached to my mum. I suppose most children are, but I didn’t like her being out or away from me. I would stay the night with friends, but I remember getting into a terrible state when I went on Brownie camp once. I absolutely hated it. I was horribly home sick, I had issues with most of the food, and I just wanted to be at home. The whole time felt like torture, and all the other children were having a great time. Obviously none of these things were major problems. Ok, I didn’t really fit in with my peers and was teased a bit, but most kids are. And I was happy at home as far as I can remember.

Up to this point I would consider myself to have had a happy childhood. Although if I look back on it I can see signs that maybe things weren’t quite right even that early on, ie up to the age of 11. But I don’t know if that is just going into the realms of navel gazing. But things like being very attached to certain people, and feigning or exaggerating illness to avoid school, when actually there was no reason to not want to go that I can see do strike me as not being quite right. I also always had a need to please people – generally adults rather than peers. But there have always been issues with relationships I suppose. And of course issues with food. There was no reason for me to be unhappy, but I wouldn’t say that I was happy, and I don’t know why. Maybe there has always been something wrong, although I don’t know what. But overall everything in my life was pretty simple up to this point, and there was no reason for me to be unhappy. It was after that that things became more complicated, but I will finish writing that tomorrow, as the more I write the more flashes of memory are coming back, and I need some time to process them. There was nothing I would consider to be traumatic, or anything more than an awful lot of children go through, and not nearly as bad as lots, but I still feel like I need to write about it. The appointment with L yesterday got me thinking a lot, but I will go into more detail regarding that tomorrow.

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>I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn’t eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won’t have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn’t really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don’t even like fruit cakes. And I don’t even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake – originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn’t want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn’t even that keen on cake – fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won’t eat much of it, I won’t eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn’t have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don’t dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don’t know why she didn’t just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn’t want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn’t have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don’t need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read – when my concentration isn’t too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn’t a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don’t like the book and so can’t be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping – increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn’t hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn’t really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can’t do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven’t actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn’t be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both – the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon – Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren’t for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn’t start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don’t know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don’t feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don’t want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn’t have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren’t a lead it doesn’t matter too much – you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn’t have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time – if I wasn’t able to do it in the end then it wouldn’t actually affect the production – they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers – it wouldn’t be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don’t know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can’t cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage ‘There are no small parts, only small actors’ is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead – that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important – you can’t do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don’t know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn’t honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody’s birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn’t be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn’t have done that to her. The final rule is that I can’t do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn’t have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn’t. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven’t really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn’t always work – if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren’t out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn’t an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away – I can’t say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don’t want to be alive for 2 months more. I don’t want to be alive for 2 days more – committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don’t mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won’t act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn’t even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

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>Bit of a wreck

>I really hate myself. After the pound I gained overnight the other day, I have since managed to gain another one. 2 pounds weight gain in half a week is completely shit and unacceptable. It makes me want to scream and shout and cry.  I am supposed to be losing weight, not bloody gaining. I wish my weight didn’t get to me like this, but it does. Gaining 2 pounds is enough to make me feel completely overwhelmed and desperate and really bring out the suicidal thoughts in full force. My head is screaming at me how useless and disgusting I am, and how I have no self control and what a waste of space I am and how I don’t deserve to live.

I feel like a bit of a wreck at the moment. Obviously I am feeling shit depression wise and sleeping really badly. Then my back is hurting a lot, my shins splints are causing a lot of problems, and I can feel about 4 mouth ulcers developing. I seem to just be falling apart a bit. My back doesn’t seem to be getting any better at all, despite it being nearly a week since I hurt it.

I managed to read a book. Admittedly it was a children’s book (well, maybe teenage) but I got through it, and it was the first book I have been able to read for over a month now. Unfortunately I don’t think I can put it down to an improvement in concentration as I don’t seem to be able to read anything else, and actually if I am completely honest spent most of the book pretty confused as I couldn’t remember which character was which, but I just kept going anyway. I would like to read it again when I actually have enough concentration to appreciate it. I get really frustrated with myself. I feel like my brain has just turned into cotton wool. It doesn’t work properly any more. I think it is broken. All of me seems to be right now, but I don’t think my brain is fixable.

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>Tired

>I am really tired. Which is ridiculous as I didn’t wake up until 3 this afternoon. Which is also ridiculous. I am sleeping really badly at the moment. And still totally lacking concentration. I tried to start reading a new book I got out the library last night and I couldn’t even get through the first paragraph. And it really isn’t anything complex – it is a James Patterson book. I read books like that when I have no concentration. What do you do when you don’t have the concentration to read the things you read when you have no concentration? I have Clueless on at the moment, which was my favourite film when I was about 10 and I can’t even bloody concetrate on it. I don’t know what to do with myself. On the plus side I lost a pound since yesterday, which is making me feel slightly better about myself. Although I am still a pound heavier than I was this time last week, which is pretty shit. I really should shower and wash my hair today but I am just too tired and I can’t be bothered. I need to have more energy than this tomorrow as I have a ballet class followed by a dance rehearsal. I really feel like everything is too much right now – I don’t want to go out at all. I don’t want to see anyone. There needs to be a way of pausing life so I don’t have to do anything.

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>Difficult patch

>I am really struggling. I suppose being so exhausted all day hasn’t helped, but I am just feeling so low anyway. I spent most of the afternoon feeling too tired and shit to move, and then in the end decided I really had to start getting ready to go off to the photo call as it was getting late. That was alright I suppose. I got dumped in an awful skirt and blouse that were both about 4 sizes too big (no exaggeration) that had to be pinned liberally for the publicity pictures, but they looked alright from the front once pinned I guess. Then just had to have my headshot done (back in normal clothes) which only took a minute.

After that I was going out for a meal with my parents for my Dad’s birthday. I didn’t actually want to eat out. My weight has been going up anyway lately – slowly, but it is still moving in the wrong direction – and so eating out felt quite scary, plus of course it is very difficult to sit and make conversation and pretend everything is fine when you are feeling like complete shit and sitting there contemplating suicide. But I didn’t like to say I didn’t want to go since it was his birthday, so off we went to Pizza Express. I ate a pizza and then shared a dessert with my Mum. I naturally felt like complete shit after that and did purge. To be honest it ended up being a pretty half assed job, as my mum came into the toilets only a few minutes after I had gone in, so I hadn’t had time to do much, but I didn’t want to risk carrying on with somebody in there (I didn’t actually know it was her at the time – just that someone had come in). I also felt really low and crap all night and just wanted to get home and be by myself.

I am really finding everything so difficult. It has definitely got to the point where I don’t know if I can keep going. I am feeling so desperate and terrible, and I don’t know how to make things feel easier. I also don’t see the point. Even in my ‘good’ patches, I still feel crap. I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I still don’t really enjoy anything. And then the bad patches come along, and I just can’t deal with them. And if I want to die even when I am doing better, then really I don’t see the point in fighting it. If I were to kill myself it wouldn’t be some impulsive thing because I was having a bad day. I don’t remember the last time a day went by without me thinking that I wanted to die. And that is really fucking exhausting. In some ways I am coping, even at the moment when I am feeling so bad. I am going to rehearsals. I went to ballet on Monday. Therefore I am functioning. So I must be fine. But in some ways I am not coping. I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I have no concentration, so I can’t read or learn lines or do anything else constructive. My sleep is terrible. My eating is not great. I have no motivation. I only get dressed when it is absolutely essential because I have to leave the house, ie when I have rehearsal. The same goes for showering. I spend the rest of the time in my bed. A lot of it just staring into space, because I don’t have the concentration or motivation to do anything else. I hate being around people, so avoid whenever possible. So am I functioning? I don’t know. I don’t even know if it matters. Ultimately it doesn’t really make any difference. I am not going to think ‘well I went to rehearsal last night, so things must be ok, therefore I won’t kill myself today’, and neither would I think ‘I missed a rehearsal, therefore I can’t cope with life and need to kill myself’. I don’t know if I will kill myself or not. There is absolutely no question in my mind that death is what I want, but I don’t want to upset people, and unfortunately that is an inevitable consequence. Even if I know that they would be better off without me, they wouldn’t see that, and I know that. It is definitely difficult not having anyone to talk to with L away. It makes me feel very isolated. Which I am actually, and to a large degree it is self enforced, but that is because I find it too difficult to put on a happy mask for extended periods of time, which is what I have to do when I am around people. L is the only person that I ever feel I can be completely honest with about how I am feeling, and without her I think I am just closing off from the world even more than I do normally when I am feeling bad. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can get through this period. I don’t know if I have the energy to. I don’t even know if I want to.

It is 1am, and I am exhausted again. I want to sleep, but I am terrified of having another night like last night when I sleep for an hour or so and then spend hours and hours trying to sleep and getting increasingly stressed because I can’t. I really just can’t cope with things any more. It all feels too much. I can’t do it.

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>It is 3:30am and I don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sleepy. Not at all. Exhausted, but not sleepy. I don’t know what to do. It’s funny. I read so much normally. Even if I am not feeling too great I can read children’s books, or fast paced books like thrillers, but when I feel really bad it is like I forget how to read. Of course I can still read the words, but they don’t go into my head. I read a sentence, and have no idea what it actually said. So I give up. Occasionally I persevere and get through a chapter, and then realise that I can’t even remember the name of the character, let alone anything that actually happened. At that point I generally realise it is quite futile even trying to read, and give up until my mood starts to pick up a bit. I try and carry on reading simpler things, like blogs and message boards – nice little short manageable things. But often the same thing happens. I read a blog update and have to keep going back over and over it. Sometimes I just give up, like with books. Reading is what I usually do in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I am not sure what to do with myself when that option isn’t there.

There is nobody to talk to. Obviously my parents are asleep. My friends are asleep. Nobody is online. I could go and talk to the dog, but even he doesn’t seem to appreciate it very much when I go downstairs in the middle of the night. I don’t even know if I want to speak to anyone. Some of the time at the moment I just want to shut the whole world out. My family. My friends. Everyone. Nobody can say anything that will make me feel any better, so there is no point talking about how I feel. And how am I supposed to talk about anything else, when that is all I can think about? But sometime I just feel really lonely. Completely isolated. I can’t talk to anybody, because there is nobody to talk to. I don’t like worrying people, so I can’t talk to family or friends. And there is also an element of me that is wanting to keep quiet about how I am feeling because the suicidal thoughts are very strong, and they are saying that if nobody knows then nobody can try and stop me. Not that anyone could actually stop me killing myself, but they could make it more difficult for me. Well, I suppose technically I could be stopped if I was in hospital, but I am confident that won’t ever happen again.

Sometimes I feel like there are two mes. Two voices inside my head. Well there are two voices inside my head, but they are both mine – they aren’t actual voices. Just out loud thoughts I suppose. But they do have conversations about things, and I don’t know which side the outside of my head me agrees with. For example, the suicidal voice is quite liking the fact that L is away. It knows that normally I would talk to L if I was having suicidal thoughts, and that would help me to get through them. It also knows that one of the things that bothers me about killing myself is feeling guilty because of how much L has always supported me, and knowing that if I killed myself and she had known I was suicidal (which she would know if she was there, because I always tell her what I am thinking) that she would have to justify all her actions and decisions etc at a tribunal, and maybe she would feel guilty or something for not being able to stop me. I don’t know. It just knows that I don’t want to let L down, and killing myself would be the ultimate way of letting her down I suppose. But if she isn’t there, that doesn’t apply. She doesn’t know how I am feeling. She wouldn’t have to justify anything. There would be no guilt. It keeps reminding me of all of that. How much easier it would be to do it now, when she isn’t about, than it would be when she is there. Not easier in physical/practical terms, but emotionally. So the suicidal side is seeing quite a lot of positives. Then there is the other side – the side that wants help. The side that often pisses me off by being too needy, too emotional. I am not sure what to call it. I suppose essentially it is my survival instinct, so I will call it the survival side. The survival side really isn’t liking L being away. It is like it has lost its main support in surviving. She is the person I talk to, who I tell how I feel, and who helps me cope with it. She doesn’t take it away, because nobody can do that, but she listens, and she doesn’t judge, and she supports me, and knowing she is there to do that helps me survive. My survival side is panicking a bit about not having that. Although technically there are other people I could speak to – whoever is on duty at the CMHT, or maybe my GP – it knows I won’t, because I don’t trust those people. The suicidal side would not allow me to call the CMHT and say how I am feeling, and what thoughts I am having. I don’t think any side of me would want to do that actually. I don’t trust people, and of course there is nothing they can do. And there is absolutely no way whatsoever that I will be taking any trips to A&E, which is always a risk when telling someone how you feel. So yes, survival side is finding it very difficult not having L around. Survival side’s first instinct when feeling bad is always to speak to L, and it seems a bit short on other suggestions. The only thing is has come up with is to try and keep thinking of things to stay alive for – as I said before, at the moment that is my Dad’s birthday on Tuesday. After that it will have to try and think of something else. And to take Diazepam if I feel overwhelmed. But that is hardly rocket science. I sound like a complete idiot talking about 2 sides of me thinking things as though they are people, but that is how it feels. As a whole I have no idea what I think or feel. It changes all the time – one minute I am with suicidal side, the next I am trying to listen to survival side. I don’t know where I am. I just know I am confused and overwhelmed by it all. It is tiring having a battle in your head the whole time.

‘Ooh, Thank you, doctor, Valium is my favorite color. How’d you know?’ – Next To Normal

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>Hmm

>I am having a kind of weird day. I just don’t know what to do with myself. In a way this is a good thing, because it shows I am less depressed, because when things are at their worst I don’t have to think of anything to do, because I just spend hours staring at the wall or ceiling and time just goes like that. But things also aren’t good enough for me to be able to do anything really either. I can’t concentrate on anything, so I just kind of flit from one thing to another, and not really knowing what to do with myself. It is a bit like being in limbo. I want to be able to read again. I miss reading. But I just can’t concentrate. I might try and start reading childrens books – I often find that is the best way to get back into reading when I have been through a particularly bad patch. I ended up reading loads on Enid Blyton books last year – the ones I was reading to myself by the time I was about 5 ( I read proper books from a very young age – I skipped all the reading scheme books really as I could read before I went to school), like the Faraway Tree books and the Five Findouters. After a while of reading children’s books I was able to get back into adult books. Nothing too complicated – lots of thrillers etc, that were fast paced enough to keep my attention. So anyway, I might try children’s books again. I have hundreds and hundreds of books, so I should be able to find something to read. When I have read some really simple books to get me started I might re-read the Harry Potter series. I haven’t ready any of them for a couple of years – not since Deathly Hallows came out. I might re-read the whole series. But I think I need to read something even simpler first. I feel a bit stupid reading books that I read when I was 5, but it has helped me get back into reading in the past. Magazines are good too for that, but I don’t often buy magazines.

Somehow, I had miraculously lost weight today. Not much, like half a pound, but I hadn’t expected to after yesterday, so that was a nice suprise. I definitely won’t have tomorrow though. And I always eat more at the weekends, because of having people around. I find it harder to not eat if other people are eating. I am eating some sweets (130kcals) at the moment. I feel a bit bad about that, but I wanted something, and even though they are sweets so have absolutely no nutritional benefits, at least they come in a packet so I know exactly what I am eating. And I have had 2 slices of bread (1 with marmite, 1 with peanut butter) and a chicken breast portion with some lettuce and cucumber. Again, I just have no idea how many calories that is. Chicken is pretty low in calories and fat, but I would only be able to make a rough guess, and the bread just confuses me really. Oh, and I also had an ice lolly – it was 100% pineapple juice though, so that isn’t too bad. I like ice lollies because they are sweet, so they satisfy me when I want something sweet, but they never have any fat, and they are always pretty low in calories – the one I had today was 65kcals, and counts as one of my portions of fruit/veg for the day. Not that I ever have 5 portions of fruit/veg a day, but I quite like that an ice lolly counts as one.

I might try and go for a walk or something tomorrow as the weather is so nice. Well in reality I probably won’t, because I don’t like walking, but I feel like I should go outside for a while. Or at least open my curtains to let the sun in. I usually keep my curtains closed, I am not sure why really. It just feels cosy and safe or something. I can pretend the world isn’t there if I am closed in my room.

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