Posts Tagged ‘paranoia’

>Just stop

>It is 5:15am and I am not remotely sleepy, and am feeling very tense, despite taking 10mg Diazepam. The suicidal thoughts are really in full swing, and although I am not intending to act on them tonight, it doesn’t make them any weaker or easier to cope with. I think I might have to have another Diazepam, as when I feel like this my thoughts just go into overdrive and I have absolutely no chance of sleeping.

I am feeling so alone. I know I have support online, and I am truly grateful for that, but in real life I have absolutely nothing, and it is hard. Actually it is much worse than hard. I desperately feel like I need some support, but there is nowhere to turn. My GP works Wednesdays, but there is no point contacting her, as I have grasped exactly what she thinks from my mum speaking to her last week, and she has certainly been turned against me. I could phone and speak to whoever is on duty at the CMHT, but a) I don’t trust that it won’t be a fuckwit on duty, as there are several of them, b) they will all be against me too, and c) they will either suggest going for a walk, having a bath, or listening to music, and none of those are remotely helpful suggestions at the moment. I always find walking very anxiety provoking – I am always paranoid that someone is following me, and it really does scare me. I find baths the opposite of relaxing. I hate just lying there with my thoughts. I don’t see how that is supposed to be relaxing or helpful. And I usually love music, but as I have explained on here before, I find it really difficult to listen to at the moment unless there is a particular song I need to hear – otherwise it just sounds like irritating noise that is drilling through my head, even if it is a CD I usually love. The TV is similar – I get a headache within about 5 minutes of turning it on as it just overwhelms me. And I can’t concentrate to read. So essentially, anything they might suggest I do is useless, and therefore I am fucked.

I miss L. I know that sounds weird, given that she has been turned against me, and hasn’t done anything to help me lately, but I do. I guess that is why attachment issues are such a bitch. Even when you know someone isn’t helping, you can’t get over them. I was thinking about it, and actually I don’t think things have ever been quite the same with her since that time in November when I felt very let down by her. Things did get back on track and feel ok after that, but I suppose I never had quite the same level of trust in her following that, and now I feel like she doesn’t care about me at all and doesn’t care what happens to me, as she just left me with an appointment for a fortnight’s time when she knew how awful I was feeling. And yet I still miss her. That is wrong, and it pisses me off. I am angry with myself for wanting to talk to her. I don’t want to miss her. I want to be angry with her. But every time I am feeling desperate I just get this overwhelming desire to talk to her. And yet last Thursday and Friday when she was in work, and I could have rung her, I didn’t because I was just too upset. I feel really confused about the whole thing. I suppose it is a bit like the situation with my mum. I still feel like she has been turned against me where my mental health is concerned, but I still love her despite that. I feel let down by her, and I feel like she either doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care about me any more, in much the same way I feel about L, but she is still my mum, and I still love her. I just have to accept that I can’t rely on her for support. And I suppose it would be the same with L, except our whole relationship is based on support, as that is why she is there, which makes it much more awkward, But of the CMHT she is still the only person I want to talk to. I feel lost and alone and desperate, and like the people I have relied on and trusted the most are no longer there for me. I really feel like I can’t cope.

I have rehearsal again tonight. It is going to be a long one, as I have to get there an hour early to work on my solos with the musical director, and then I have the normal rehearsal, so I will be there from 6:30 until at least 10, possibly 10:30. It’s all too much. I want to scream and shout and cry but I don’t think that would be appreciated by my parents or my neighbours given that it is 5:30am. I just can’t cope. I want out. I want to make everything stop. Just stop. Why isn’t it getting any easier? Surely it should be getting easier. And it isn’t. It just gets harder and harder. I don’t believe that these thoughts and feelings are going to go away without me acting on them. It is too intense. And it feels like the right thing to do. I don’t want to wait for them to pass. I just want to make it all stop.

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>I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn’t hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn’t have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her – she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly – all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can’t have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can’t quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother’s Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don’t have to go anywhere tomorrow – that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice – vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren’t terribly attractive I don’t think, but I kind of don’t give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the ‘What do you do?’ question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No…. I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven’t done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven’t done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it – are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn’t seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn’t sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don’t hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven’t, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot – usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can’t cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don’t believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June – perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn’t previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn’t do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can’t be taken over. But that doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn’t deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don’t even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don’t know what I can possibly do.

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>Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people – I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven’t spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn’t say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn’t make any noise and didn’t involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn’t feeling too great. I can’t do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don’t know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can’t concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.

Plus it is my mum’s birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn’t realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven’t got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won’t have long at home – we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn’t spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her – I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can’t face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.

I can’t wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven’t slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don’t want to. I wish so much I didn’t have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.

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>Over the last couple of days I have thought increasingly about telling my mum. This morning I decided that it couldn’t make things any worse and that I would. I sent her a text saying that I couldn’t cope, and that I had been trying really hard, but that my GP seemed to be the only person taking me seriously. She was out when I sent that, but she rung me and said she would come home but she needed to go food shopping at some point today so should she go whilst she was out already, and I said that was fine. I was quite surprised she didn’t ask me what was going on or anything but I thought maybe she wanted to talk about it when she got home. She came home and didn’t really say much. She said she had spoken to Dr O, she didn’t say what they had talked about, but I know that at some point in the conversation she must have complained about the crisis team saying that they would arrange a psychiatrist appointment, and then just discharging me, and Dr O (who is anti meds) evidently told her that I have BPD, not Depression, so she didn’t see what good meds would do, as my mother who had been annoyed all week about me not being seen by the psychiatrist suddenly thought it was completely fine. She also seemed to have no problem with the crisis team suddenly stopping seeing me, which she had previously been annoyed, and didn’t seem to see that there was a problem that I was being left with no support for two weeks. Somehow they managed to convert her so that she just agreed with them. My mum used to call up and complain if I wasn’t getting enough help – now she is justifying their actions to me. I think they all either think that this is something I am choosing, and that I feel like this because I want to, or they think I am exaggerating the whole thing, or they don’t care whether or not I kill myself. I am not sure which, but they have got my mum thinking the same. So I don’t even have support from her – she has been indoctrinated to say the same things that the professionals say, and is defending things that yesterday she was annoyed about. I feel like she doesn’t care what happens to me. Despite me being incredibly upset, and her knowing that it is incredibly rare for me to be asking for help, she did absolutely nothing apart from calling and speaking to my GP. She didn’t even bother calling L, which seems a bit strange given that she is my care coordinator. She clearly wasn’t concerned enough to think it worthwhile. And amazingly she didn’t even try and take away the tablets I have or anything. Which I am glad about, but it just reinforces the feeling that she doesn’t care, as in the past that has always been the first thing she has done. Of course I always have others hidden so it doesn’t matter if she does take them, but the fact she didn’t even try proves that I am right. I feel like everyone is against me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, because I have honestly just told the truth, but there is very clearly something. ‘Nobody’s Side’ has been running through my head all day. My eyes are stinging from how much I have been crying. I feel incredibly alone. I don’t trust anyone.

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>Goodbye Bippidee?

>I don’t bloody know what to do. I really don’t want to make my blog password protected or invite only, because I have met so many great bloggers, and want to continue to do so, and think that invite only/password protection puts up a big barrier up in that respect. I considered starting a blog with a new title and URL on WordPress, and still posting under the name Bippidee, but then realised anyone googling Bippidee could still find it if I did that. So essentially I am looking at having to start completely from scratch, and it is going to be a fucking nightmare. My email address, my Twitter, and my Facebook are all Bippidee. A new account means replacing all of those as well, or I would have the same problem with Google. Well, not the email address, but I would want my email address to match everything else because I am neurotic like that. Also, I would want to export this blog to the new account, because I don’t want to lose everything I have written in the past year, but again, there are posts that mention Bippidee, or comments to Bippidee, and so Google would still be a problem. But I don’t want to just dispose of my last year of posts. I also considered setting up another account on Blogspot, making that account co-admin of this blog, then changing the URL and Blog Title, then deleting the Bippidee admin from admin. But either way means getting rid of Bippidee, and ridiculous as it sounds I am really reluctant to do that. It is what I have been known as in the Madosphere for the past year now. I have an identity linked to it. And I feel like changing the name will somehow make me lose that, and that is sad. I don’t see how I can keep my blog going, even by exporting it to a difference account, without starting completely afresh, and that is the last thing I want to do.

I am so fucking angry. I actually cannot convey how upset I am about this whole thing. I feel stupid for saying that, because it is just a blog, but it has got me through so much, or at least the people who read it have, and it truly has been a lifeline this past year. And I have invested so many hours in it. And because of a fucking ridiculous printer, which I desperately want to go and smash up, I could lose all that, and that is just shit. I know I can tell people where I am going and start again, but that isn’t the point. This is my home, and I have no option to leave it, but I can’t leave behind all my posts because they represent the last year of my life, and a lot more actually. Why oh why did I think I needed to print a stupid bloody shopping list?? If I hadn’t tried to do that then we wouldn’t be in this situation. Or of course if I had a printer that printed what you told it to (and there is absolutely no doubt I told it to print the right thing) rather than just printing any random page you happen to have open at the time. I am feeling really upset.

I wish I could just trust my parents not to look at it, but I can’t. I think if I explained I didn’t want them to see then they might respect that wish now, but if it got to a point when they thought I was doing badly, and they knew there was somewhere I would have written about it, then I don’t think they would be able to resist looking. If I thought someone I careed about, who had a history of suicidal attempts and hospitalisations for suicidal thoughts, might be suicidal and I had a way of checking that then I think I would, even if it was going against their wishes and invading their privacy, because I wouldn’t forgive myself if they went on to do something and I hadn’t looked. So whilst I would like to think they would respect my privacy and not look, I think that there would inevitably be occasions when they would, and I can understand that, which is why I need to remove temptation so that it isn’t an option. But it is bloody hard to work out a way of doing that, without losing everything I have written in the last year – everything that has made my blog what it is. I am so upset.

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>I am really bloody pissed off. I finally decided to call the CMHT, as I really felt like I needed to talk things through with someone, and obviously it is the weekend coming up so there won’t be anyone to talk to then, and since I am really not feeling good I thought it would be a good idea to speak to someone today. So I rung the CMHT. First I got the answerphone, so I called back a little bit later and spoke to the receptionist. I asked who was on duty, as there were a couple of people I knew I would not want to speak to, but she asked who was calling and said she would check if there was anyone available. She came back and said nobody was around, but that someone would call me back, but it wouldn’t be until a bit later, probably about 4 (it was 2:45 then). I said that was fine. 5 minutes later the phone rang. I thought it was probably my GP, as I had called earlier and left a message asking if she could call, as I wanted some sleeping tablets to take short term. I answered the phone and it was the CMHT. Of everyone in the CMHT who could have called me, this is the person I would not have wanted to speak to. I can’t remember if I have written about him before or not.

He used to be my care coordinator and was a complete bloody incompetent, moronic, fuckwit. I spent the year that I was forced to see him requesting to see someone else (particularly as I had said before I even met him that I wanted to see a female), he spent the time saying he was just assessing me, and that when he had finished assessing me I might get to see someone else, or I might be discharged. I made complaints about him to the manager. I spoke to the people whose name I can’t remember. What are they called? PALS. Yes. I spoke to my GP. My mum spoke to the manager. Everyone tried to get them to give me a different care coordinator, but they kept refusing. Originally I was just seeing him for a 3 month assessment. 3 months stretched to 6, 6 months to a year. I was supposed to see him fortnightly – he didn’t think I needed seeing weekly. I mostly saw him monthly, as he was always on leave or busy. I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this man. He was by far the most incompetent mental health professional I have ever seen, and that is really saying something. He would spend 20 minutes every few weeks asking how I was and would then ignore the answer. If I smiled he said it was nice to see me happy. If I sat there on the verge of bursting into tears and saying I wanted to die he said I seemed a bit brighter. A couple of times when things were particularly bad he said I seemed a bit down today, but that he didn’t think going into hospital would help me. Not that I had mentioned going into hospital. If I rung up between appointments because I was feeling desperate, I only had to mention the word suicide for him to say that he needed to speak to my mum (I was 23 – fuck off), and that I had to go to A&E to be assessed. What they were supposed to be assessing I was never sure, since my notes said not to admit me. I suspect it was because he knew I may well try and kill myself, and if he had sent me to A&E, then he could say at a tribunal that he had done everything he could as he had sent me to hospital to be assessed. Without fail I left appointments with him feeling even worse than I had when I had arrived. I hated seeing him, he must have known I hated seeing him (I was going to say he isn’t stupid, but I think that actually he is) by my repeated requests to see somebody else. But he was incredibly reluctant to let me see anyone else. He lied and told me the reason I couldn’t see a female was because none had any space on their case load. I have since found out that this was a complete lie. Apparently when someone had space I might be able to see them, although he thought I might be able to be discharged instead of seeing someone else. Just thinking about him makes me so bloody angry. So yes, he was a complete bloody fuckwit.

So who called today? He did of course! I answered the phone and nearly burst into tears when I heard his voice. I knew there was no way on earth that I could say how I was feeling, or he would make me go to A&E to be assessed, and I know from all of the times he made me do that before that it is an entirely pointless exercise. So I just wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible. He asked why I had called, and I muttered something about just finding it a bit hard with L away. He asked what was going on. I was trying to think of the vaguest answers I possibly could because I didn’t want to talk to him, and I didn’t want to be sent to A&E. He asked what I had been doing with L that might help. I said I write a lot. He sounded slightly confused but asked if I thought I could do some writing. I said yes, despite having just done some writing. He asked if I was feeling suicidal. I said that I was having some suicidal thoughts, but I didn’t feel at risk from them. I don’t actually know how I feel about them, but there was no bloody way I was going to tell him that. He said that I knew if I was feeling suicidal then I would need to go to A&E to be assessed, but it sounded like maybe I didn’t need to do that right at the moment? I agreed that I didn’t need to do that at the moment. I was actually silently laughing by that point – it was just all so bloody ridiculous. I felt like I had been transported back in time a year and was stuck with that fuckwit as my care coordinator again. Except this time I had learnt to be sensible and not tell him the truth, because he is too incompetent to handle the truth. Shame I didn’t realise that when he was my care coordinator. He then patronisingly asked if it would help if he told me that they were hoping that L would be back next week? I said I was already aware of that actually, as I had been sent a letter giving me an appointment with her. He said hopefully she would be back and that would make me feel better. I agreed. He said L had said I was doing a play or something, and was I excited about that? I said no, not at the moment. He said maybe I would be when it got closer. I said something non committal. He said he would tell her I had called when she was back, and what would I like him to tell her the reason I had called was? I thought that was something that he could work out for himself really, so I just said I would talk to her about it when I saw her. Speaking to him just made me so stressed and anxious and pissed off. Within about 30 seconds of picking up the phone I wanted to shoot either him or myself.

I probably sound like an ungrateful brat. I can’t convey in writing how much I dislike this man, and what a useless twat he was when he was my care coordinator. I am also immensely pissed off that it was him who called me. I can’t help feeling like he did it out of spite. He knows that I am not comfortable talking to him, because I told him so (politely) several times when he was my care coordinator. It also quite clearly says in my care plan (that I can’t currently find) that when L is away I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible. Now whilst I am willing to accept that there probably are times when there is only a male available, for example if you call at 4:45 you have to accept whoever is around, I kind of doubt that at 2:45 there wasn’t going to be a female available all afternoon for me to speak to. I was told it would be over an hour before I would be called back, but they weren’t sure who it would be, which would certainly imply that the fuckwit who did call me back was not the only person in the office likely to be available that afternoon. I feel like he probably saw I had called and said he would call me back as he knows me, despite knowing that a) I prefer to speak to women, and b) I am uncomfortable with him. Whilst that may sound a little paranoid, it just seems unlikely that he was the only person in the whole office who was free this afternoon, and if there were other people available then I don’t know why he would ring when he knows how I feel about him.

I am never calling the CMHT when L is off again. That has put me off for good.

Dr O rung about minutes after I had got off the phone to the moron. She is so bloody perky all the time, it is just strange! I answered the phone and got (imagine the chirpiest voice you can) ‘Hellooo, it’s mee!’ I couldn’t help laughing. She asked what I was calling for, and I asked if I could have some sleeping tablets please. She said she thought that was what I would be calling for, and why did I want them. I said I was feeling shit and she asked why, and I said that I didn’t know, but I was just feeling really crap, and when I feel crap I sleep worse, and then that makes me feel even more crap. She said yes that was fine, and that I knew I could only have them alternate nights short term. I said I would rather have them every night short term to try and get into a better pattern, and she said that was fine, and she would send a script down to the chemist for me. The whole conversation was over in about a minute and a half! Normally if I feel bad and am asking for medication though she asks a lot more questions and checks I am not going to overdose on them and how suicidal I am feeling etc, and just generally asks me a lot more before agreeing to give me anything, but I expect she was in a rush, and it is fine because I got what I wanted from it, and I don’t intend to overdose on them – I just want some good sleep. From tomorrow I will have some Zopiclone, and then hopefully I will get some good sleep and not wake up feeling so exhausted. I have to say I am not holding out great hopes, as I took Zopiclone for so many years that I became pretty immune to it, but it is a few months since I last had it, and that was only for a couple of weeks, and it must be about 9 months since I had it regularly, so maybe it will help a bit more now. It has to be worth a try. Anything is right now.

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>Eeek! Following on from what I was discussing earlier about anonymity, paranoia has well and truly hit! Firstly I should say I am very proud to have been included in TWIM on Mental Nurse this week for the very first time ever. HOWEVER I told L about Mental Nurse once because I love it, and because there was a discussion there I thought she would find amusing, and I know she looked at it, and I am now paranoid that she will do so again, see that post, and then find my blog. She would know it was me from the bit printed on MN as it includes a bit of an article that we discussed. And what if she hates me for talking about my sessions on a public blog? Hopefully she has better things to do with her time than read MN and my blog but otherwise, ermm hey L – please don’t hate me!

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