Posts Tagged ‘laxatives’

>The rehearsal that wasn’t…

>So I got ready and went off to rehearsal tonight. Got there, and the building was all locked up and there was clearly nobody there. I had thought it was a bit strange that there was a rehearsal on a Bank Holiday, so I called my dad and asked him to check the rehearsal schedule on my computer to be sure I had got the day right (I clearly need an iphone). It was the right day. I asked him to find me a contact number that I could ring to find out what was going on. I rung and they didn’t answer. Left a message. I wandered around outside not sure what to do. Tried calling again. Still no answer. Hmmm. I spoke to my mum who had gone to Sainsbury’s after dropping me off. Sainsbury’s was shut since it was a bank holiday, so she came back. We waited until 8, just in case it was starting late for some unknown reason. In the end we came home. I found another number to ring, and spoke to the Production Secretary, who I always find somewhat officious if I am completely honest, and explained that the schedule said I was called tonight but there was nobody there, to which she told me there had been updated schedules since that and it had been cancelled when it was realised it was a bank holiday. I said I definitely hadn’t received a more recent schedule, and she told me that I was next called tomorrow, and then Thursday. So that was a fun 40 mile round trip.

I have had really horrible tummy pain this afternoon/evening. I have felt really bloated, and just really really uncomfortable and hurting. Much more than discomfort actually. I have had it before, but not as badly as today. I did wonder if perhaps I am intolerant to something like wheat, but considering I eat shit loads of wheat, and only get this occasionally I think it is fairly unlikely. I am thinking perhaps it could be an effect of the laxatives, but I don’t know if they could be doing this 2 days later. I don’t know enough about how they work, but they have given me bad tummy ache on other occasions. I suppose in retrospect it wasn’t the cleverest thing taking them when I was recovering from a stomach bug really….

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>So the little laxatives ended up doing their job after all, just not until last night, which was later than I expected. It would seem that yesterday’s weight gain was largely down to them failing to do their job earlier, as I just weighed and I am back at the weight I was on Saturday again (actually I am 0.2lbs lower, but who’s counting…… me) So that is good. I guess. I am feeling really flat again today. Yesterday was a bit hard. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I couldn’t really concentrate on anything, so I just kept flitting from one thing to another, not really doing anything. Read a chapter of book, spend 5 minutes on Facebook, wander around aimlessly, go back to the book, not really remember what was happening in it, sit staring into space, put the television on, largely ignore it, turn it off, etc etc. I couldn’t get interested in anything or stick with anything. Not a good sign. Last week I was sitting and reading for hours and getting through a book in a day, as well as doing other things. Now I just keep getting confused and restless. I hate that my concentration, and therefore my ability to read, is always one of the first things to affect me if I am starting to feel a bit worse. I am feeling like today will probably be another day like that.

I really, really need to wash my hair today. It is disgusting. Hygeine is another thing that goes. I (generally) still make sure I am clean and not too gross if I am going anywhere, but when I am just going to be at home I can’t be bothered, so I don’t. But I must go and have a shower and wash my hair because I have a Carousel rehearsal tonight, which means leaving the house and seeing people, and they would all run away screaming if they saw (smelt?) me like this. Not actually wanting to go to rehearsal, which is unfortunate as I have 3 this week. On the plus side, I was looking through the schedule, and I only seem to be called at 12 rehearsals before the show, so by the end of this week that will be a quarter of them out the way. Huzzah! Originally I was going to be in the ensemble for Act 1, as my character is only on for the second half of Act 2, but I pulled out of that (there were all these rehearsals I couldn’t be bothered to go to, and so I blamed my voice problems as they still existed at the time) and so everyone else has been rehearsing 3 times a week for the last 2 months, but not me. I feel like I should want to be doing more, and look forward to rehearsals, but at the moment they just feel like a necessary evil. I am a little bit worried also because my part is a dance part to a large extent – there is a 10 minute ballet scene, and the first few minutes are solo me, then there are a couple of minutes of ensemble stuff, and then the last half is a pas de deux between me and another guy. Which is fine, but I am worried he won’t be able to lift me – I am too heavy for anyone to have to try and lift. And we will be learning that for the first time tonight, and I just feel really embarrassed because I am going to be too heavy and he won’t be able to lift me and I will ruin the whole thing.

I am tired. I don’t seem to be sleeping very well. I was going to get up and get straight in the shower, but the motivation to do that has disappeared. Actually, it was probably never really there or I wouldn’t have sat down to write this. Later. I will do Important Things now. Like check Facebook. Maybe go back to sleep. Sleep would be good. Shower later.

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>I am not feeling good today. I don’t know why. I just feel kind of flat and low and a bit shit. I didn’t sleep that well last night. I kept thinking of things that bother me and upset me, and just woke up this morning feeling really flat. I tried to go back to sleep, but that wasn’t happening, and now I am not really sure what to do with myself. There are things I really need to do, like wash my hair, which is currently pretty disgusting, but I just can’t be bothered. And then I weighed myself and I was nearly a pound heavier than yesterday, which made me feel even worse. And I don’t even know why. And I took a couple of laxatives last night, but they’ve not done anything, and that is frustrating me.

I didn’t used to understand laxatives. Why people took them. They don’t make you lose weight, so what is the point, and why take so many? I am kind of starting to see it. If I haven’t been to the toilet for a couple of days, which is fairly frequently, particularly if I am restricting, then I start thinking about how that will affect my weight. So a few months back I bought some laxatives. I had no intention of abusing them – I just thought I would take one when I wanted to go to the toilet. The packet said one or two, so I thought one would be enough as I didn’t usually use them. And it was, and it was all fine. And then one stopped working so I started taking two. Now two don’t seem to be working, and I am kind of pissed off. Pissed off because I don’t want to end up like some people I know who take 20 at a time, because 2 stopped working, and then 4 stopping working etc. And pissed off because I don’t know why they aren’t working when I don’t even take them very often. I don’t want to have to take loads of laxatives, but if 2 don’t work then what am I supposed to do? I can see how easy it would be to just keep taking more and more, and every day, to feel empty. Feeling empty is great. But I know that isn’t a good idea. I have never wanted to go down that route, and I still don’t. I just want to be able to take a couple when I want to go to the toilet, and for them to work. That doesn’t seem unreasonable.

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>I feel confused. I don’t really know what is going on. I don’t know if I am doing better or worse. Because I am now capable of reading children’s books and forming complete sentences, as opposed to the staring at the walls and grunting of a few weeks ago, I assumed that must mean I am doing better. But I don’t know if I am. The self harming feels like a bit of a set back. Not because it was bad self harm or anything, but because for the last few days I have wanted to do it so much, and most of the time I don’t think about it much, and it is certainly rare that I actually do it, even if I am thinking about it. I have no problem with self harm itself – I don’t do it badly enough for it to be damaging, and I have always thought that if stops me doing something more dangerous then that is fine. And I still think that. But I am just a bit concerned that I am feeling bad enough to feel like I need to do that. And last night it did feel like I was self harming to stop myself overdosing. I knew I couldn’t overdose, and that that wasn’t an option, but I needed to hurt myself. I do feel like I am getting increasingly closer to a suicide attempt. Even though my mood isn’t as low as it was a few weeks ago (or I can at least manage some basic things now), I kind of feel more at risk now than I did then. I think I was too exhausted then to do anything. Now I feel like I am teetering on the brink rather, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the warning signs from previous times, and it seems like they are all there. It might be for the best though. If I have felt like this for so many years, then maybe it really does mean it is the right decision. I can see that it will never be a socially acceptable one, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. Does it?

I bought laxatives today. I don’t know why. I never take laxatives. Like I have had them maybe twice in my life, and for completely genuine reasons both times. I know they won’t make me lose weight. And yet I feel like I need them. I am getting increasingly obsessed with my weight again. Well, my weight is an ongoing obsession, but sometimes it takes over more than others. The reasoning behind buying the laxatives is that if I go to the toilet more often then I will weigh less. And if I weigh less I will feel better. I am not intending to take lots at a time or anything. Just enough to get me going to the toilet regularly, say every morning before I weigh myself, rather than every few days. But I know what I am like. I know how easily I get hooked on things. Buying them wasn’t sensible. But right now I don’t care. I just want to lose weight, and even though I know they won’t make me lose fat or anything, they might help the number on the scales go down, and that is what I care about. I am a bit obsessed with weighing myself at the moment. I weigh every day when I get up. I do it 3 times in a row, as sometimes it varies by 0.2 of a lb, and so I do it 3 times, and then whichever weight comes up most often is the one that gets written down for that day. But then if I have got up early that day, I then have to weigh again later, at the time I would usually weigh. Since I usually wake up around 1pm or a bit later, my usual weighing time is usually around 2. So if like today, I had to be up early (as I was seeing L), I had to make sure I didn’t eat anything until I got home, which wasn’t until half 3, so that I could weigh myself then. I also sometimes weigh in the night. Not every night, but if I have to go downstairs for any reason in the night then I weigh myself – it is like a pre-warning of what will come when I weigh the next day. Sadly my weight isn’t really going down. I am trying really hard, but it is only going down very slowly, and if I have one day when I eat more than I should have (like yesterday) then my weight immediately jumps up by about a pound. Which then tends to take several days to lose. It feels like a case of 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I need to sleep. I have been up for 16 hours, and I only had about 4 hours sleep last night. My sleep is dreadful at the moment. Really awful. My mum is taking my grandad back to his house tomorrow. She has spoken to social services, and it is all sorted for the carers to start going in to see him 3 times a day from tomorrow. Hopefully the magic people will have gone when he gets back to his house tomorrow….

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