Posts Tagged ‘hallucinations’

>So an update on what has been going on. After writing my blog yesterday, I contacted L to ask if she had any free slots available for today. She replied saying that she was really sorry she hadn’t been more available lately and that she was on a course today, but would see me on Tuesday. After getting that, I decided to send her an email, which I sent last night, explaining how I had been feeling and that I had been very hurt and upset by the lack of contact from her etc. It was hard to write because I didn’t want to sound too aggressive or rude or anything, but obviously the nature of what I was saying could have easily made it sound quite accusatory etc, and I didn’t want that, but at the same time I felt like it was important that I get across how it had made me feel. She replied and thanked me for being honest and said she could see how I would have felt and why. I won’t go into too much detail, because some of it isn’t something I want to share here, and actually apart from that there isn’t really that much detail to go into – it does sound like she has been incredibly busy, but obviously that isn’t really an explanation in itself. She did say that she was sorry and that she understood where I was coming from and that she could see that she hadn’t been able to respond in the way that she usually would. But she wants to talk about it properly when I see her on Tuesday, which is fair enough. Whilst obviously I do still feel like I was let down, I am relieved that it wasn’t something that I had done wrong to cause the lack of contact, and I think that I know really that it isn’t that she doesn’t care. I suppose it is complicated, and I will see how it goes when I see her on Tuesday, but I don’t feel like I never want to see her again. I think it will take a while for things to get back to how they were, and I don’t know yet if they will completely – I suppose time will tell. I do still feel like she let me down and wasn’t there when I needed her, but then there always will be times when people let you down, and maybe that is part of life and something I need to learn to deal with. Relationships are tough and complicated and confusing, and I don’t think therapeutic relationships are any simpler, and in some ways they are perhaps more complex. So yes, whilst how I feel about what happened hasn’t changed, I do feel like the relationship is repairable, and I can continue working with her. I don’t know if I will ever be able to regain that complete feeling of trust and being able to rely on her 100%, because obviously I have felt let down by her now, but then that was a rare feeling to have about anyone anyway, and I suppose wasn’t really maintainable. I am not over it, I don’t feel fine about it all now, and I still feel hurt and disappointed. But at least I have been able to be honest about that with her, and now feel more comfortable with seeing her again. I think if I had seen her yesterday without speaking to her beforehand, I would have just been so upset and hurt and angry that I would have either spent the whole time sobbing whilst trying to say that she had upset me, or I would have completely clammed up and just been totally off hand and awkward, and neither of those would have been helpful. So although I am still upset I didn’t get to see her yesterday, as I think I did need to talk, I think under the circumstances perhaps it was best. Of course in retrospect I would have sent her the email that I sent last night a couple of days ago, and we could then have discussed it yesterday, but I don’t think I was at a point where I could have done that. I hope that I have a good appointment on Tuesday and we can work things out. I think I need to just try and accept that yes, I feel like she let me down, and perhaps she did, but that people do that sometimes. I am not there yet, probably because I held such an idealised view of her until now, but she is human and she makes mistakes and isn’t actually perfect, hard as that is for me to accept.

I am still finding things very difficult. I experience suicidal thoughts to some degree pretty much constantly, but the majority of the time they are just thoughts that I would rather not be alive. Obviously times like this, when I do feel accutely suicidal, and like I am at serious risk of acting on the thoughts are different, and happen less often, but it still isn’t a rare occurrence. I think what I have found particularly difficult about this episode is that it has felt different. I can’t quite put my finger on how. I think it is partly the way that my head has been shouting at me so much of the time. That isn’t something I am used to. Usually they are thoughts, that occasionally become vocalised in my head, but most of the time they are just thoughts. This time has been different – it has been very noisy. Not just about suicide, although that is the most pressing thing. It just constantly tells me how horrible and awful I am and how I need to kill myself and how much better everyone would be without me and then when I am around people it is like they are all looking at me and thinking how pathetic and useless I am. I am not hearing voices – I am certain that it is just part of my brain – the part that hates me, talking to me. I am just used to it thinking, not talking, and so it is a bit disconcerting. The spider thing from last week also freaked me out. I don’t know. I can’t explain why this feels different, I just know it does, and I don’t like that. Whilst the suicidal thoughts are hideous, and very difficult to cope with, I am used to them – I have had lots of other episodes where I have had very strong suicidal thoughts, and more times than not I have managed to get through them without acting on them. But I am finding it really hard having these thoughts constantly vocalised – it makes them more unrelenting. And just generally things feel different. I don’t feel like me.

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>Today has been a difficult and tiring day. It didn’t start off well because I slept badly last night. I was really desperate to have a night of sleeping well, so as well as the Diazepam I usually take to try and quieten my head, I also took a Zopiclone. I don’t usually have Zopiclone. I had them pretty much every night for about 4 years, so got pretty immune to them, and my psych took me off them because obviously they are supposed to be short term drugs, but sometimes when I am having a lot of trouble sleeping my GP will give me 14, and I have a few from last time, so decided to take one. I thought it was making me sleepy, so I tried to sleep, but realised it actually hadn’t so got back up. In the end I did go to sleep, but it was kind of weird – I usually sleep quite well after taking Zopiclone – it may not send me to sleep very well, but it usually stops me waking up. But I woke up several times, and one time I woke up in a real panic – I was hallucinating (I hope) that lots of spiders had bungeed down from the ceiling and were crawling all over me. I am not actually scared of spiders, but I woke up in a panic convinced these spiders were crawling on me and switched on my light and was looking for them, and I remember looking up at the ceiling where they had all been (they hadn’t really, but I thought they had) and they had gone, so I thought they must be in my bed and in my pyjamas. And then I couldn’t find them so I turned off my light and went back to sleep. It was really quite surreal, because it felt so real, and I don’t normally have hallucinations. I am blaming the Zopiclone, but I don’t know why it should suddenly do that when I have taken it so many hundreds of times with no problems. I don’t take Zolpidem because that made me hear voices when I took it, but never experienced anything weird with Zopiclone before except going into a kind of dissociative period where I often do lots of things I don’t remember after, and that’s not too bad, except when I spend lots of money on crap. Anyway, I didn’t get enough sleep, and it was quite interrupted, and so I woke up exhausted.

I had to go out the house today (cue scary music). I had to go shopping with my mum. I don’t like shopping at the best of times, and currently is definitely not the best of times. But we had decided to go a couple of weeks ago as it was totally essential I got something to wear for the concert in 2 weeks (yes, the one I don’t want to be alive for). Town was packed, I was exhausted, and I really dislike clothes shopping. I don’t understand what is enjoyable about going into one shop, stripping off, trying on a couple of things that will probably look hideous, getting dressed again, going into another shop, repeat ad infinitum… Not fun. And looking in all of those mirrors just makes me feel shitty about myself. I did buy something, but don’t know if it will be any good or not. Ended up just having a mini melt down in Debenhams. I had been in there first, and then lots of other shops, and then my mum decided I should go back to Debenhams and get one of the personal shoppers to help me find something, because Debenhams is so bloody confusing. So I went back in, whilst she went off to another shop, and I just freaked out. I was exhausted and stressed and I just couldn’t cope and I felt like I was about to burst into tears and make a spectacle of myself, and just ended up perching on the edge of one of the display things on the floor trying not to cry. A sales assistant came over and asked if I was ok, and I obviously had no idea how to reply, so I think I said I wasn’t feeling well, so she got a stool from the shoe area for me to sit on, and I waited for my mum arrived and then just begged to go home.

Then we got home, and the house was absolutely freezing, and it turned out we had run out of oil. That always happens on a weekend, without fail. So the house was freezing and that just felt like the last straw and I just came upstairs and cried. I then put on lots of warm clothes and went downstairs as my dad had said he would light the fire. Typically the fire refused to light despite multiple attempts. So the house is bloody freezing, I am always cold anyway as I have shit circulation, and goodness knows when we will get more oil.

I seem to have resorted to comfort eating over the last couple of days, which is making me feel even more shit about myself. I am not eating loads and loads, but I wasn’t eating much at all really earlier in the week, and the last couple of days I have eaten more the amount I would usually eat and I feel shit about myself. Everything is wrong. Absolutely everything.

I have to go out yet again tomorrow, which I am dreading. I said months ago that I would go with T and his family to see something on in London. I didn’t know when it was on anyway, and had pretty much forgotten about it completely, and then got a text from him a couple of days ago reminding me it was this Sunday, and asking if I wanted to go there for lunch first. Naturally I didn’t want to go there for lunch – I hate eating at other people’s houses, and I didn’t even want to leave the house, but since his mum has bought the tickets there isn’t much I can do about that. So I have said I will just go over there for when they are leaving. Dreading having to keep up my happy mask for hours like that. I do not want to go out at all. I feel really stressed by everything at the moment – leaving the house feels like torture. Even getting out of my bed takes far more energy than I have.

The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming. There is lots of planning going on my head that I feel unable to stop, and actually don’t want to. This week has just been far, far too difficult, and there is no way I am putting up with another one like it. I have felt completely alone at the time I have most needed support, and every minute of every day has felt like agony. Nobody should have to live feeling like this.

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