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Posts Tagged ‘funeral’

>Imagine a title…

>Have had an ok day. I am really exhausted. Not sleepy as such, just completely drained. I really don’t like being busy. I don’t find it distracts me and makes me feel better like people always say doing things should – I find it wears me out and makes me irritable. I had my singing lesson earlier, which was the first one I have had for about 10 months, and that one was just a one off (and absolutely horrific and made me think I would never be able to sing again), so it is about 18 months since I have had regular lessons. My lesson today was ok. I can’t see my old teacher, because she moved away, but I had a lesson with someone I have only had one lesson with before but have known for many years, and she is very good. I was quite worried about it before, partly because my voice has been hurting the last few days – I think just from using it so much with The Tempest, and partly because of the one off horrific lesson I had last year, when my voice was literally cracking every note I sung, and I just left feeling completely demoralised and shit about myself, and thinking I was useless and would never be able to sing again. So I was a bit tense, but it was ok.

There were a few things that she was able to point out straight away – mainly tension related, which made an improvement, but overall I didn’t sound as bad as I was expecting to. I needed to record a song that I could email off for an audition, so I did that, and it was ok, although having listened to it back since I got home I think I should have made one more recording as there are a couple of bits I am not happy with, but never mind. The song I was using was an uptempo character song, which is what I am most comfortable with, because when I am doing a character song like that it is different to singing as myself, so I am more relaxed, and she commented afterwards how different my voice was doing that, in terms of placement and clarity and everything. After that I sung through a ballad, which was rangier, and that did sound pretty shit. Despite that sounding crap, I wasn’t feeling too negative about the lesson though. What has really struck me though, and what she also pointed out, is that the vast majority of the vocal problems I have been having are confidence/mental health/life related, rather than technique related. I would have preferred it to be the other way around, as it would have been far simpler to correct bad technique than it is to sort out my life and get confidence, but I suppose even if I can just get confidence back in terms of singing then that will have an enormous impact on my voice. I tried singing the ballad that I had sung with her when I got home, and it sounded so much better, which does just confirm how much of my vocal problems are down to tension, and lack of confidence leading to swallowing the sound, and bad placement etc, but at least I know that if I can do it in my bedroom then I can do it, so hopefully next time it will be better. I have booked another lesson for next week, and hopefully I will be a bit more relaxed then now I have had a lesson that wasn’t a complete disaster.

Had my appointment with the voice therapist after that – that was fine. She seemed fairly pleased with how I was getting on. I am trying really hard to energise my voice more when I am talking, as that is one of the main things she has told me to do, but it is quite tiring. But there definitely seems to be an energy issue, as in my singing lesson I was told I needed to energise my body far more. I don’t have another appointment booked with the voice therapist – she is going to give me a call in about a month to see how I am getting on, and to see if I feel like I need to go back in, and I can email her if I am having problems etc, but I suppose that since there is nothing physiologically wrong for her to help me correct, there is a limit to what she can do.

It is nice having my friend here, I am really liking seeing her, but in some ways it is quite stressful too. I am worried about her because of how little she eats – she really has next to nothing, and so obviously that is concerning, but at the same time I am really quite jealous of the amount of will power she must have to eat so little. I wish I could do that. But I wouldn’t want to be thin like she is, she just looks so ill. It is BMIs in the 16s/17s that I am really jealous of, so if she was that kind of size I would probably find it more triggering, as I would be jealous of her body as well as her self control. I feel guilty for being jealous of anything when she is so ill, but I can’t help it – I would just love to have that much control over what I ate.

The thing about having her here that I am probably finding most difficult is that I am feeling obliged to eat more than I have been lately, partly because I have only been eating once a day really, and that doesn’t set a very good example, and partly because I feel like if I am eating then maybe she will be more likely to eat – she certainly wouldn’t eat anything at all if I wasn’t eating. But as usual, I am finding it impossible to find the right balance, as I seem to only be able to restrict, or to eat whatever I fancy, and I am pretty much eating whatever I fancy as I can’t restrict, and so I have already gained 1lb. So I am feeling pretty shit about that, particularly because I know that now I have got back into eating more again, I will find it harder to cut down again – the longer I restrict for the easier it becomes, and I guess I had been doing it for about 10 days, so I was starting to get quite comfortable on just eating 1 meal in the evening and not much else, and now I am eating more I have undone all the good I had done in doing that, and will have gained all the weight back and will have to start all over again. Thinking about it is actually making me cry – I am so, so desperate to lose weight, and it just feels like one step forwards two steps back. It’s a bit like playing Snakes and Ladders really – you climb up a ladder and think you are doing well, and then suddenly you go sliding down a snake and find you are worse off than you were before you went up the ladder.

I have a performance of The Tempest tomorrow night – the rearranged performance from the rained off one on Tuesday. It is also my sister’s birthday, so we are apparently going for a picnic. It is selfish, but I feel kind of jealous that my sister is getting to do what she wants on her birthday, with the people she wants, when I had to spend mine at a funeral. My mum was supposed to be doing something tomorrow, but she cancelled it so that she could spend the day with my sister, and although I know it is nobody’s fault that I had such a shit birthday, it just feels unfair.

I need to try and sleep now, because my friend went to sleep over 4 hours ago, and my mum will wake me up in the morning when she wakes up, which is likely to be significantly earlier than I would like to wake up given that I am still awake, and not very sleepy as I am feeling quite tense.

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>Well I can safely say that was the worst birthday I have ever had. I never enjoy birthdays, but that was incredibly hard. We had to leave at 8am, so I was absolutely exhausted as that meant getting up at 7, and I don’t usually get to sleep until 2 or 3 hours before that. The funeral itself was fine I suppose, or as much as funerals ever can be. Obviously it was upsetting, because funerals always are. It was also really difficult, because throughout the day people were saying how much of a shock his death had been because he seemed to be doing alright, and was physically fairly healthy, or as much as he ever was. I couldn’t stop thinking that it was my fault, and that the reason it was so unexpected was because he shouldn’t have died, and wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for me. So that was really difficult having that constantly rolling through my head. And funerals always make me think about my own funeral too, and really ramp up the suicidal thoughts. When we came out from the funeral I wandered off by myself for a while whilst everyone was talking, I just needed to be by myself. So that was all hard, but pretty much what I had expected.

Then we went back to the bungalow. I said I was staying in the car. My parents tried to persuade me to go in, but I really didn’t want to, so I stayed in the car and lay down on the back seat, as I figured I may as well try and get some sleep in. I vaguely wondered if I would die if I stayed in the car long enough, as it was so hot, but decided I probably wouldn’t, or it would be a pretty common suicide method. After about half an hour (I think) one of my cousins came out and asked if I was going to come in, and I said that I didn’t  want to, and she said that lots of people were sitting out in the garden so I could do that, so I said I didn’t want to then, but maybe would later so that she would leave me alone (I am a bitch, yes). A while after that my mum came back out and made me go back with her, although I still didn’t want to. It wasn’t too bad I suppose. I sat and talked to people, but I felt really uncomfortable and I just wanted to get home. There was also loads and loads of food there, and I ate a lot more than I felt comfortable with. I really wanted to purge, but that obviously wasn’t an option, so I just had to sit there feeling horrible about it. My mum had said in the end yesterday that we would stay a couple of hours and then go. Seemingly a couple in her language means over five. I was quite upset by that, because she knew I hadn’t wanted to go there, she knew I hadn’t wanted to stay, she had told me we would stay a couple of hours and then go, and we ended up not leaving until about 5:45, which just made me feel like what I wanted and felt was being completely ignored.

We got home about 8 and I felt like complete shit – I think a combination of funerals always being upsetting, feeling personally responsible for this one, always disliking birthdays, having such a shit birthday, feeling let down by my parents over how long we would stay afterwards, being tired, feeling crap about what I had eaten, usual low mood, and suicidal thoughts. I came straight upstairs to my room. My mum asked if I wanted to go downstairs and open my cards and presents (she seized the opportunity to go into town for an hour when I had a voice therapy appointment the other day, but said there is nothing very interesting!), but I said that I didn’t want to – I had had a crap day and would rather leave it until tomorrow. My parents then both said that my day hadn’t been that bad, and that I had quite enjoyed myself some of the time. That made me really bloody angry. For a start, I hate it when people assume they know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. I have spent the entire day feeling like shit and wanting to cry – I am still feeling like that now and we have been home for 5 hours. And it also pissed me off because I hate the way they assume that if I am smiling or chatting or something then that means I am happy. They know damn well that I often hide how I am feeling, and they knew that I had said all along that I didn’t want to go back to the house after, that I was very uncomfortable with it, that I didn’t want to stay long, etc, and so them saying that I had enjoyed myself made me so angry. Particularly from my mum, who always claims she can tell how I am feeling even if I am trying to hide it – I always say that she has no idea, which is shown time and time again, and I think today has proved that yet again. I have a sum total of 3 cards – how popular am I?! I could tell by the writing on the envelopes when they arrived who they were from – one is from my friend A, another is from one of my brothers, and then the third is from my parents. Considering I have 2 other siblings, other friends that I send cards to, and saw a lot of family today I think that is a particularly low number. It isn’t about the number of cards really. Well in a way it is, because cards show that people are thinking of you enough to send a card, and that they care. It sounds stupid and like a big overreaction, but it makes me think how few people would actually miss me if I wasn’t here. I am being self absorbed and whiny, so I will go to bed now I think. I am exhausted – I think mostly emotionally.

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>Tomorrow

>I am ridiculously stressed about tomorrow. It is just too much. Every time I think about it I get so anxious and upset. My parents aren’t being very helpful. Well my mum really, I haven’t talked about it much to my dad because he is busy trying to write a eulogy. But my mum knows how stressed and upset I am about going back to the bungalow after the funeral, and I have asked how long they are planning to stay there (I have said that I am not going in and that I will sit in the car and wait – I can’t deal with going inside) and she said she didn’t know. I asked for a vague approximation. She said she didn’t know, and that we couldn’t rush off. I need to know how long it is going to be for. If I know how long it is then I can sort it out in my head and plan accordingly. I hate uncertainty. She just said not to forget to take Diazepam with me.

I keep crying. I don’t want my birthday. I don’t want to go to a funeral. I don’t want to spend 5+ hours in the car going to and from the funeral. I don’t want to be here. I wish more than ever that I had killed myself a few weeks ago. I came so close to it, and I wish so much that I had done it. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and panicked and horrible. I would do anything to just be able to disappear right now and not be here.

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>I was supposed to be seeing L this afternoon, but the receptionist just rung and cancelled. Said she had to see an emergency appointment or something. I did know she was on duty today, but she hadn’t said she might have to cancel because of it, and I am feeling a bit shit about it all to be honest. It was 9:30 when the receptionist called, and I wasn’t due to see her until 3, so unless it is the type of emergency that is going to literally take all day and therefore all her appointments are being cancelled, then I feel like I must have been seen as the least important person, and therefore she could see the emergency appointment instead of me. After finding last week’s appointment quite difficult, now that today’s appointment has been cancelled I am feeling quite crap about the whole thing. I can’t cope with appointments being cancelled, I get too upset by it. They rearranged my appointment with her for next Tuesday, and that feels like a bloody long time away at the moment, especially since I have this whole birthday/funeral stuff to get through first. And I think that upsets me even more, because she knows I have that on Friday and am feeling really bad about it all, and she still isn’t able to see me. Typical Borderline response, but I do feel rejected. Like I have said other times she has had to cancel, I know these things happen sometimes, and are unavoidable, but today it just feels like a rejection. For some reason I just don’t feel as supported by her lately as I used to. I am considering discharging myself. That sounds a bit drastic in the circumstances, but it isn’t just because she cancelled today, I was thinking about it after my appointment last week. I feel unable to do the things she wants me to do at the moment (primarily this goal setting stuff – I just can’t think of anything at all, but apparently it needs to come from me), and so I feel like I am wasting her time. At the moment I want to die more than I want things to change, probably partly because it is a lot easier to imagine dying than it is to imagine things changing – it feels like far more of a possibility. And so again, it feels like I am wasting her time. And then when appointments are cancelled, like today, I just can’t deal with it. It makes me feel worse than if I hadn’t had an appointment booked in the first place. So I suppose I am wondering whether I want to carry on with it or not. Whether what I gain from seeing her outweighs the times when I feel useless for not being able to do what I am supposed to be doing, and when I feel rejected because appointments are cancelled etc. At the moment I don’t know. This would have been unthinkable a few months ago, and I am not quite sure what has changed, but something has. I am not feeling very able to cope right now, I think I will try and go back to sleep.

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>Feeling crap

>I am feeling really shit today. I don’t know why really. I suppose just all the birthday/funeral stuff getting on top of me. The day started off badly because I seemed to have lots of nightmares, so I woke up quite wound up and upset, and with a headache. Then I just felt really shit all day. I kept thinking about whether it would realistically make much difference to other people whether I killed myself before Friday or after. I can’t decide – on one hand I think that if I am going to kill myself it won’t make any difference to other people when I do it. But on the other hand, my dad already has his dad’s funeral this week – if I killed myself before that it might make it even more difficult for him. I’m not sure. Anyway, then tonight I completely freaked out about the funeral and got really upset. Not about the funeral itself, but afterwards. When my mum talked to my aunt the other day they had been talking about hiring a room in a pub or something for people to go to afterwards. When my dad spoke to my aunt tonight, the arrangements had been made, and they have got caterers taking food to my granddad’s bungalow for afterwards. I know it is stupid, but that just totally freaked me out. I don’t want to go to an empty house, where my granddad died, where nobody lives now. It feels weird and wrong and I don’t like it. If he hadn’t died there it would be slightly different, and if someone else still lived there, like when one person of a couple dies but the other is still alive, that would be slightly different. But I really do not want to go to an empty dead house. It freaks me out, and I don’t care if it is stupid, I do not want to do it. As soon as my dad said about it I got really really upset and was crying a lot, and then he was laughing at me and saying I was being silly and what difference did it make etc etc, and I was getting more and more upset. My mum said she didn’t think it was actually a very suitable place to have it because there isn’t even a dining table to put the food on, and my dad joked that they could set all the food out on the bed, and I just got totally hysterical. I don’t know what to do now. I know really it makes no difference that nobody lives there and that he died there, but I just don’t want to go there. I am not even sure if I can cope with going to the funeral now if it involves going back there after.

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>More birthday/funeral talk

>I am feeling really crap. I think it is all this birthday/funeral stuff getting to me. My birthday is going to be a total wash out. Not that we ever make a massive deal about birthdays in my family – I haven’t had a party for about 15 years, and I never go out clubbing or anything like that because I don’t like it. Often I go out for a meal with family or friends, or we have sometimes had BBQs when it has been good weather, and a couple of times I have been to London to see shows, but we never do anything massive, which is fine. But this year the funeral is on my birthday, and we are going to have to leave the house before 8am to get there, as it is quite a long way away. Then obviously there is the funeral, and then wherever we go after the funeral, and then coming home after, so we will be out at the funeral all day. My mum suggested we pretend my birthday is the following day, and then remembered she has a work do that day for a member of staff who is leaving. My parents haven’t bought me any presents yet either, so I am not holding my breath there either, since my mum is at work all week apart from Friday, when we are at the funeral. That is partly my own fault because I can’t really think of anything I want. It is really difficult to think of anything when I don’t seem to be able to do anything, plus of course I always intend to be dead sometime soon. I don’t have the concentration or motivation for anything much, so I can’t get enthusiastic about books or DVDs or CDs or anything like that. My mum often buys me clothes, but that is a total no go at the moment because I hate my body so much, and I am so determined to lose weight, that I absolutely refuse to buy clothes to fit me at this size, because that would be like accepting how big I am, and that is not going to happen. I have asked for an English Bull Terrier puppy, but that was refused, as was a puppy of any other type, a grey kitten and a house pig. So yes, I haven’t exactly been helpful on the present ideas front. But then my mum is notoriously disorganised anyway, and didn’t even seem to think about presents until this weekend (when she was busy all weekend anyway) and suddenly asked if my Amazon wishlist was up to date. I am not too bothered. There is nothing I particularly want anyway, and there have been other years where my mum has been too disorganised to get me any presents for my birthday and has given them to me late or something, so it isn’t like it would be a first.

I sound really materialistic talking about presents, and I’m actually not. It isn’t about presents. I just feel shit and I don’t want my birthday to happen because I can’t deal with it. But pretending it isn’t happening and ignoring it is not going to help, because I will still know it is my birthday, and I will still feel shit about it. It is so linked with dying and suicide in my mind, because that is always the first thing I think of when I think of my birthday, because I don’t want to let another year start. And I am really, really struggling a lot with the concept of being at a funeral on that day. It is going to make me think about death even more, and it just really feels so difficult. Every time I think about it I want to cry. It just feels too much. And I can’t even explain to anyone how I feel about it all and how much it is upsetting me, partly because it would be selfish because my parents are obviously upset about my granddad dying, and partly because it would mean talking about the suicidal thoughts, and that would be too hard and just upset them. I know that since I don’t like birthdays anyway it shouldn’t matter in theory, but it will still be my birthday even if I pretend it isn’t, and there will still be all those associations in my head. I am getting so tense and anxious when I think about it, my heart keeps going funny like a mini panic attack. I am scared of having a complete breakdown on Friday in front of everyone. I just can’t do it, but I have to.

Then of course there is the funeral itself. Funerals are always difficult, for everyone. Obviously it is difficult seeing people upset. They also always make me think a lot about suicide and my own funeral, and those thoughts will be amplified due to my birthday. I will also be seeing lots of family I haven’t seen for quite a while, and I am so completely repulsed by my body at the moment that I am dreading that. I have two cousins who will be there who are both really thin, and I will feel like a bloody whale next to them.

It seems like everything is wrong at the moment. I need something to go my way and be right, because I can’t cope like this.

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>Birthday and funeral

>This time of year is always really difficult. Every year I struggle a lot. This time last year I was having a lot of strong suicidal thoughts and being sent off to A&E etc. A couple of other years I have been under the Crisis Team at this time of year. And the first time I tried to kill myself was this time of year. I think that the main thing that upsets me is my birthday. That is July 2nd, so soon. I find birthdays really difficult. I don’t want to celebrate being born because I don’t want to be alive. And every approaching birthday reminds me of everything I have failed to achieve that year, and how useless I am, and makes me really desperate to not let another year start, and so I just get really overwhelming thoughts that I need to kill myself before my birthday can happen, so another year can’t start. Those thoughts are rampant at the moment, but I really don’t think I am going to be able to act on them, and I am feeling horrible about it.

My dad went off to Glastonbury early this morning. This is hard, because it makes me continually think it would be even easier to overdose, because there is only one other person in the house. The first time I attempted suicide my dad was away at Glastonbury. But I would feel too guilty to do that again. I don’t want to ruin it for him. Then my granddads funeral has been arranged for next Friday. I feel like it would be really unfair on my family to kill myself in the days leading up to my granddads funeral. But I really, really didn’t want to be here by my birthday. Which leaves everything a bit of a mess really. The funeral is on my birthday. Nice bit of planning there. That is going to make everything even harder. As I said, my birthday always makes me think a lot about dying anyway. Being at a funeral on my birthday is going to make that even more intense. Especially a funeral that I feel is my fault. I am really feeling quite upset about it all. I feel like if I had killed myself a couple of weeks ago when I planned to then everything would be right now. I wouldn’t be having a birthday, and my family wouldn’t be going to my granddad’s funeral on my birthday. I don’t know what to do. I really feel like the birthday and funeral combination is just more than I can deal with.

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