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>Catch up

>Just a quick post because I am tired and need to try and get some sleep.

Had first performance of The Tempest tonight – last night we were rained off and so rehearsed again instead, and that performance was rearranged for Friday, which had been a free night. Tonight went ok, or my scenes did anyway. I noticed a couple of people missing out some lines etc, but nothing the audience would have noticed. It did start raining towards the end of Act 3, and was raining quite a lot for Act 4, when I just have to sit on the stage doing nothing for ages, so that wasn’t too fun, but you have to expect that really with open air. I was absolutely bloody freezing the whole time. I was really cold before I even got on stage, and then I have to lay on the ground for a good 5 minutes sleeping a little way in, which made me even colder. When I got off stage after my first scene I went into the pub and sat in there to try and warm up a bit as I wasn’t on again until after the interval, and then during the interval I put on every item of clothing that I had with me (including 1 leg warmer and a pair of woolly warm up shorts, as I was using my dance bag and I had managed to leave those in there!), but it was so hideous taking it all off at the end of the interval to go back on stage for Act 3. And then Act 4 was the rainy scene so that made me even colder, and then after that I had to change costume into something even colder, and so I spent Act 5 with my teeth chattering. But it all went fine, and the audience seemed to enjoy it despite the weather!

My friend arrived earlier. It is lovely to see her, but I am really worried about her – she is so ill and she just can’t see it at all. When I hugged her when she arrived it was quite scary how thin she felt. She really should be in hospital. But it is good to see her. I have a singing lesson (first one for about 18 months, because of my voice problems) and a voice therapy appointment tomorrow, so she will wander around the shops with my mum whilst I am in my singing lesson, and then I will join then, and then we will go up to the hospital for the voice therapy. Bit nervous about the singing lesson because I haven’t sung properly for so long, and I know I will get really frustrated and tense if I sound shit, which will make me sound even more shit, but hopefully it won’t be too dreadful. My voice is hurting a bit at the moment – I think just from using it so much with rehearsing The Tempest all the time. Apart from that I don’t have anything on tomorrow – no Tempest, so it will be really nice to have an evening in. I am feeling really quite wiped out at the moment.

I need to sleep now, I am very tired. Sorry I have been neglecting blogs a bit lately – I got very behind on my blog reading/commenting. I have just been busy with all the Tempest stuff, and then when I have been at home (which has admittedly still been most of the time) I have felt too tired to do anything.

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>Tired

>I am feeling totally wiped out. I was thinking last night how drained I was feeling, even though I hadn’t been doing anything at all – just a general feeling of tiredness and everything feeling like too much effort. Then today has been a long day and I am feeling completely exhausted. My mum had an appointment at the hospital this morning, and then I had one there this afternoon at 4:30 with the voice therapist, and it wouldn’t really have been worth coming home between since it is half an hour each way, so I had to get up this morning and go with her, then go into the town and go round the shops for hours, then go to my appointment, and then come back home.

I was really tired to start with, because I didn’t get to sleep early, so I didn’t get very much sleep. Then I was out from about half 10 until about 6, which is a long time for me, and I find it really tiring being out all day like that. And then between and my appointment we were shopping, which is tiring. I have never been the type of girl to love shopping and spend days on end going around shops trying on everything – most of the time I see shopping as a sometimes necessary evil, and I do not go around trying on clothes just for fun – I try on clothes so that I know I am only buying things that I like so that I don’t have to go back to the shops to take things back. It isn’t fun. I have friends who love shopping and can just shop for hours, even if they don’t want/need anything. They even enjoy it if they don’t buy anything. I am not one of those people.

Shopping is particularly difficult at the moment because of my weight. Well, I say at the moment, but really I mean the last 6 months or so. I have so few clothes that fit that it is a complete nightmare to get dressed – tops are ok, but I could count on one hand the number of skirts and trousers I have that fit. I may even have fingers left over. But I completely refuse to buy clothes that would fit me, because that would be accepting my current weight and size, which I am absolutely not prepared to do. So today I helped my mum buy bras, bought a bra myself as bras don’t quite count in my refusing to buy clothes since I don’t mind my boobs being a bit bigger, as they are still only 32Cs, and that is ok. I suspect my boobs would be non existant if I wasn’t on the pill and 21lbs heavier than I used to be. Then I bought some shoes. Shoes are ok since my feet don’t change size. Spent ages prancing around the shop in very high heels to see if I could walk in them, as I am crap in heels, so just tried on various pairs of heels and practiced walking in them. Then I found a nice pair of shoes, not too high – about 3 inch heels, and they were reduced to £5, which was clearly a bargain that couldn’t be missed. I have very few pairs of shoes due to my very awkward feet that are just the wrong shape for virtually all shoes (although every single Marks and Spencers 32C bra that I try on fits absolutely perfectly – my boobs are clearly what they design their 32C bras for). Anyway, so I bought the shoes, and a couple of pairs of plimsoll/trainer type things, that were also reduced to £5 each, because I like comfortable footwear. One pair are black with a white flowery type pattern, and the others are grey with black spots. Excellent.

Then it all went a bit wrong. Went into Next, and saw leggings, which I could do with, and thought I could get away with buying since they are stretchy. I also saw bikinis and thought that since I don’t have one, due to the breakdown that trying on bikinis inevitably causes, I should buy one. So off I went to the changing rooms with my leggings and bikinis. Tried on the leggings. They were too tights – I could get them on but they felt too tight, and I refused to buy a size up, because that would be giving in to my fatness. I hate my thighs more than I can describe. I never look at them in a mirror (except at ballet when it is unavoidable) because it makes me feel so completely and utterly repulsed that I actually feel physically sick. Took the leggings off to try the bikinis on and got even more upset  about my thighs and started crying about how hideous I was and hitting them as hard as I could. I wished I had a blade. I would have loved to cut them to shreds. I just want to slice enormous chunks off them. Actually I really want liposuction on them. Even when my weight was lower my thighs were too big. Much too big for the rest of me. My mum asked me earlier when I was so upset if I could get liposuction on the NHS, in the same way that people with really big boobs can get breast reductions if it is causing them psychological distress etc. Obviously she meant well, but my mum asking me if I could get liposuction on the NHS kind of made me feel even worse about them. Anyway, so that was all pretty upsetting, and reminded me why I do not go shopping, and why I am right to avoid mirrors, clothes, shops etc etc until I am smaller.

Had my voice therapy appointment after that, which was ok. My voice problems are definitely tied up with my mental health problems to at least some extent, which is a shame, and something of a problem really. Anyway, got home at about 6 and have just felt completely exhausted since. It took me about an hour to get enough energy to get up to go to the toilet and get a drink. Line learning is not going well. I tried to do some this morning during my mum’s hospital appointment, and got a few lines learnt, and then had a while to wait before my appointment as I got there a bit early and so tried to learn more then, but I couldn’t even read the words I was so tired, and I couldn’t remember what I had learnt earlier today, or even other days – my brain had just given up for the day. I feel really pathetic for being exhausted so easily. It seems particularly bad at the moment – I just get completely drained by things that everyone else just does every day, and I don’t know why. Today was a bad day. I am hoping to go to sleep now – several hours earlier than I usually would, but I just feel so shattered. I suspect I will sleep for about 12 hours – when I have had a tiring day I seem to need an excessive amount of sleep after, although I always seem to need quite a lot of sleep to not feel ridiculously tired – 10 hours is my ideal. One good thing over the last few months is that I haven’t been napping in the afternoon like I used to. Admittedly, I sleep all morning most days, but last year I would wake up at say 12 or so, and after being awake for 2 or 3 hours I would go back to sleep, whereas apart from when I am feeling really terrible and so sleep to keep myself safe, I am not really napping anymore. Since I still sleep all morning it isn’t much of an achievement really, but I guess it is something. Got to sleep now, I am too tired to think.

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>Random musings

>The last few days have been tough. I think I have just felt pretty wiped out by everything. I also seem to be very irritable – pretty much everyone says is pissing me off. And I am having definite trust issues. Right now I don’t feel like I trust anyone at all. I am not even sure what it is I don’t trust people with. I think just to speak to them generally. I have felt quite let down by some people lately (including L, although I know it wasn’t her fault), and it is just making me want to keep everyone at arm’s length. I often feel with friendships like I am the one putting in the effort – I have several friends who I would never ever see if I didn’t arrange things, and with most of my friends it feels like I am always the one who has to do the contacting. I don’t know how many friends I would have if I just left it and didn’t contact them at all. In fact, I did do that recently with a friend. She is one of the few friends I have who lives locally, and I usually arrange to see her maybe every 2 or 3 weeks on average, and speak to her online a lot. Anyway, a few weeks ago I had repeatedly tried to contact her, both online and on her phone, and she wasn’t replying at all. I knew she was coming online as I could see her doing things on Facebook, so she was just ignoring me. She does also have problems with Depression etc, and does tend to isolate when she is going through a bad patch, but we had made tentative plans to meet up, but then I hadn’t been able to get hold of her, and then I kept trying to contact her, and in the end I just sent her a text saying that I hadn’t been able to get hold of her for a while and so I would stop trying and leave it to her when she wanted to talk, and that I hoped she was ok. I then didn’t hear anything from her until I had a message from her on Facebook saying Happy Birthday, and she also sent me a text that day saying sorry she hadn’t been in contact, but that she hadn’t had any credit on her phone. I then spoke to her online today, and she wanted to talk because she was finding things really hard and so needed someone to talk to etc, so we talked for quite a while about what was going on with her etc. I just feel like with quite a lot of my friends I am always here when they need me, or try to be, but in between they will just ignore me. It wouldn’t have hurt for her to send a quick text or message on Facebook saying that she didn’t really feel like meeting up or chatting, but that she would contact me when she did, but I just heard absolutely nothing from her for weeks, and I kind of just feel like that is a bit rude really. It isn’t the first time it has happened but I just wish she would let me know – if someone tried to call me and I didn’t feel like talking then I would send them a text saying that, but it just seems a bit rude to ignore someone completely. People confuse me. At the moment it feels safer not to let anyone in, not to be close to anyone, because then they can’t let you down or upset you.

I am having strong suicidal thoughts at the moment. Very intense actually. And for the first time in a while, there isn’t really anything to stop me acting on them. Well, there are all the usual reasons of not upsetting people etc, but at times like this it feels like there would be very few people who would genuinely miss me if I wasn’t here. I admit there would be people who would be initially upset, and who might think they missed me, but when I think about who I speak to in a typical day or week, it is the same few people over and over again. Apart from those few people, I often wonder how long it would take people to notice that I wasn’t here, if they weren’t told. The only friend who bothered to send me a Birthday card was A, who has been in hospital for the last 8 months. But anyway, apart from not hurting people that there are no real reasons. Ok, I am rehearsing a couple of productions, but one I could be very, very easily replaced, as they haven’t even got to the point of blocking my scenes yet, and won’t for another 6 weeks or so, so that doesn’t even count really. The Tempest would be more of a problem in that respect, since it is on in 3 weeks, but I am going to be so shit in it that it would probably be better for them if I wasn’t in it. I don’t know how I am going to learn my lines. I have 3 weeks until the first performance, and I know about half my first speech and that is it. I just don’t have the concentration or motivation to learn them. And I find it so frustrating, because I used to learn lines so easily.

I was thinking earlier about how much of my identity is caught up in performing, to the point where I don’t know who I am without it. I have been dancing since before I can remember, and been acting and singing for years and years now. For as long as I can remember I have wanted my career to be in performing. When I was very young I wanted to be a dancer, then when I got older I realised I would never be good enough to be a dancer, that I had left it all too late in terms of good training etc, and I got far more passionate about Musical Theatre and acting. But performing really is all I have ever wanted to do. When I was younger, everyone else changed their mind fairly regularly about what they wanted to do when they grew up. I never did. Then performing groups outside of school were the first place I felt comfortable, and like I belonged, and where I was happy. People started telling me I was talented. I felt like I was good at something. There were about 2000 students at my 6th Form College, and all 3 years I was there I was known as the best singer. I got all the solos in all the concerts. Random people used to come up to me afterwards and ask if I was going to go to drama school and perform professionally. The college principal knew me from all the concerts etc and used to stop and chat to me when he saw me, which in a place that size was pretty unusual. After the auditions for the college show I was given the choice of what part I wanted. The music tech students used to get me to record the vocal parts for whatever they had to record. At school I had always felt very average, despite it being less than a tenth of the size. I was never given big parts or anything at school, and then I was somewhere much bigger and yet loads of people knew who I was, and knew who I was because of my performing. I always kept performing, even after I had stopped everything else because of my mental health problems. Not so much performing in public, but I always kept up with my singing and dance lessons etc. A few years ago I used to go to a MIND drop in centre, and again I was always known as the singer there. They used to do a couple of concert type things a year as fundraisers, and I was always put on as the finale. Even when I was feeling really, really awful, and going through a really bad patch when one of them was on, I still went on and performed. I couldn’t cope with going into a shop afterwards, but I could sing for the mayor. When I was on stage, it was like being a different person. It doesn’t seem to work anymore. I just don’t care about anything. I get brief times sometimes when I get really enthusiastic and excited, and it is always about theatre, so I know that deep down I still care about it really. I just don’t most of the time. I think the problems I have been having with my voice the last couple of years have contributed to that. I started finding my singing lessons more and more frustrating, because my voice just wouldn’t do what I wanted it to, and what it used to be able to do. In the end, about 18 months ago, I stopped having singing lessons – my singing teacher moved away, and I felt too bad about my voice to go to anyone else. I did try a couple of other teachers, just one lesson with each, but I felt embarrassed at how awful I sounded, and what they must be thinking of me, so I didn’t go back. With one of the teachers, my voice literally cracked on every single note. I don’t often sing now, and I don’t know how I will ever get back to it. I am seeing a voice therapist now, who is hoping to be able to help to some extent, at least with my speaking voice. But I have been told by several people, including her, that my mental health problems are likely to be a large contributory factor to it – your voice is really delicate, and for some people any tension just goes straight to the voice. So I can’t sing anymore. I have lost a large part of my identity with that. I have a lot of difficulty learning lines now, due to lack of concentration and motivation, so acting is a problem too, plus of course I have to use my voice when I am acting too. And even dance, which has always been my weakest of the 3 disciplines, has gone wrong, because of my shin splints coming back. They have been getting worse and worse, so they are now back to the stage when they are painful even when I am walking, and I can’t jump at all. And I have no idea what has caused them this time. So overall, performing is really bad at the moment, and that has been my identity, my passion, my everything, for so many years. I feel like I have lost every sense of who I am now. Most of it went when I first started having problems with Depression etc, but now it feels like the remaining vestiges of who I am have disappeared. I am nobody. I am nothing. I have no skills. I have no talent. I have no personality. I am just an empty shell. And I can’t live as an empty shell.

I am due to see L in 8 hours. I have this feeling she is going to cancel. I don’t know why – I have no reason to think that whatsoever, except she did last week. I just have a feeling.

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>Long day!

>It has been the longest day ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it has felt very long. I had an appointment with my GP at 9:20 this morning. That is far too early. I should not be out of bed at that time of day, let alone dressed. Anyway, that was ok. It is quite funny really, because she tries to be helpful, for example she asked if I had ever had CBT. I said yes, and that I think it is patronising wank to be honest. We discussed this for a little while. She then asked if there are any types of therapy apart from CBT. Now I know she is a GP and doesn’t work in mental health, but really – do people honestly think that CBT is the only therapy that exists? Really?? That is slightly concerning really.

Then I had an appointment with the voice clinic people at the hospital, following on from my ENT appointment of a couple of weeks back. Today it was with an ENT Surgeon, and 2 Speech Therapists. They put these little pad things on my neck that were apparently microphones, and then pulled out my tongue and stuck this camera thing into my mouth and to the back of my throat. The Dr told me to concentrate on breathing deeply in and out through my mouth to try and stop me gagging, and then basically videoed my vocal cords whilst I had to make various noises. I started gagging after not too long, so he took it out, and then did it again, and I lasted longer before gagging that time. Gagging appears to be a normal reaction to that. It was called a Laryngoscopy It didn’t hurt – I preferred it to the camera down the nose thing. It just made me gag. But then when it had finished I got to watch a video of my vocal cords when I speak/sing which was quite cool really. Apparently it all looks healthy, and the speech therapist was confident that she would be able to sort it all out with speech therapy etc, so I am back on the waiting list for that.

Spent the afternoon in a pretty shitty mood. I was tired, as I hadn’t had nearly enough sleep, and I was grumpy and snappy. Ended up purging a couple of times. I had the drama festival tonight – the play that I was in a few weeks ago was entered. It was a 1 Act Play Festival, held over a few nights, and tonight was the last night. I really didn’t want to go. I was absolutely not in the mood, I couldn’t be bothered with it, I hadn’t touched my script since I last performed it, and I was desperately trying to think of excuses to get me out of it, but there basically weren’t any, as if I hadn’t gone they would have had to pull the play.

It actually went ok. I think it was probably the best we have performed it, or it seemed it to me anyway. We (the cast) did know that although we weren’t keen on the play, it might go down quite well at a drama festival, as adjudicators tend to like things that are a bit political and weird, and this certainly was. The other play that was on tonight was a bit crap I thought. They had a great set but the acting was just pretty weak, and I didn’t like the actual play. The adjudicator was very complimentary about our play – he gave a few things he thought could have worked better etc, but a couple of those I had actually said about in rehearsals, so I agreed with what he said. The criticisms were pretty much all staging related, apart from him saying he would have liked the pace to be slightly faster generally, so that when we wanted to pull bits back there was more contrast, which was apparently a comment he gave about several plays. He was very complimentary about the play itself, which was nice for the guy who had written it (it was written by a local writer, and his wife directed it), and also about the acting. The guy who was playing the lead was told his diction wasn’t always clear enough, and that he needed to find more variety in the part, which was fair enough (he wasn’t actually who the part was intended for, but due to lots of clashes, none of the original choice men were available, and so this guy ended up playing it, and he is pretty inexperienced – he did well given how little he has done in the past, but I think it could have been much stronger with one of the guys who was originally up for the role), but the adjudicator didn’t have anything negative to say about any of the rest of us (there were 5 in the cast in total), and said we were a very talented cast, so that was nice. Awards wise, a group who had performed earlier in the week pretty much swept the board – I didn’t see them, but apparently they were brilliant, but we had a lot of nominations (there are 3 nominations for each award). Our Director was nominated for Best Director, and one of the women was up for Best Actress (although she had also been in another of the plays, and the nomination was actually for both parts rather than just this play), and I was nominated for Best Cameo. Then one of the guys won Best Actor, and overall we came 2nd, and the adjudicator has put forward the play itself (ie the script rather than the production) for a national competition for Best New Play. So overall it was pretty good really.

Afterwards several of the cast members were going on to a pub, and one of the guys offered to give me a lift home after if I wanted to go with them. I had already had a couple of drinks, and was slightly hyper, so I thought I would go, but then when I got there I got very stressed because it was too loud and I was anxious. I tried to ring my mum to ask her to pick me up, but I couldn’t get through to her, so I had a Diazepam, and another drink, and after that I started to relax a bit. I had a couple more drinks too, and we all shared some packets of crisps, and I had some Maltesers, although I did then go to the toilets and purge, making it 3 times today, which isn’t so good. But 5 Archers and a Diazepam seemed to do a pretty good job of relaxing me, and it was actually ok. I never go out, so it was quite good that I managed it, even if I did need alcohol and Diazepam to do so. My mind did wander a lot during the evening – I was having lots of suicidal planning type thoughts, and there must have been some dissociating going on, because there are definitely chunks of the evening I just can’t remember, and it isn’t down to the alcohol, because I don’t feel drunk or anything. I can still type perfectly well, therefore I am not drunk.

I got home about quarter past 1, and I am very tired now so I am hoping I will be able to sleep well. It has been a very long day.

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>Busy busy

>I feel like such a fuck up. I am really annoyed with myself about the summer course in America. I should have done it. I still don’t know if i would have been able to cope with it or not, but I am really angry with myself for not trying. I should have gone. I am stupid. I have been looking into summer courses over here, but with everything else going on it will be really hard to fit it in, and none of the courses over here look nearly as good and I am just bloody pissed off with myself. Plus doing a 2 week course over here including accommodation would cost me as much as the 3 week course in America including accommodation, because I got given financial aid for it. I am a twat, I should have just gone.

I feel like I have taken on too much with these plays. Everything is clashing, and I feel like I have too much on. Tomorrow I have a readthrough for the Shakespeare. Monday I have ballet. Tuesday I have a singing rehearsal for the musical, and should also be at a Shakespeare rehearsal, but I obviously can’t be in too places at once. Wednesday I have ballet. Friday I have the drama festival performance. So Thursday is my only free evening for the next week. Then I also have an appointment with L one day, although I don’t know which yet as she has lost her diary, I have my CPA review with L and Dr E on Thursday. Friday I am supposed to be seeing Dr O at 9:20, but I have had an appointment through for the Voice Clinic (which the ENT Dr said he was going to refer me to) at 10:30, and that is a 35 minute drive from the GP surgery, so if the GP is running on time it would be ok, but if she is late then it would all go hideously wrong. The obvious thing would be to rearrange the GP appointment but they are so bloody busy at the moment – I had to make this appointment 4 weeks in advance, so I am not sure what to do really. But I don’t want to change the Voice Clinic appointment, because I was really pleased it came through so soon, and they only hold it alternate fridays, so it would mean having to wait at least another 2 weeks. There is just too much on. I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.

I really don’t want to go to my CPA review. Even though Dr E is nice, I still find seeing her a bit intimidating. I suppose it is just because she is a Psychiatrist. And I always feel really put on the spot when she asks me things. She will ask me all the questions about is seeing L helpful, and if I say yes then she will ask me how it is helping me, and what it is that is helpful and all that sort of thing, and I just freeze and don’t know what to say. And I will sit there feeling really awkward. I don’t like it. I don’t want to go.

Purged again today. This is starting to become a pattern, which isn’t great. The suicidal thoughts are certainly going strong too. Not really sure what I can do about it. I don’t know how to stop them getting stronger and stop myself from getting worse.

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>I don’t know?

>I had my evil ENT appointment earlier. I did have to have the horrible tube with a camera down my nose/throat again, which was hideous again. My nose is apparently very narrow at the back, which makes it more painful. When it is actually down there it isn’t too bad, but getting it in is bloody painful, even though you have some squirts of this numbing stuff first. But the doctor was very nice and friendly and understanding (and quite cute actually!) and did apologise whilst doing it – he said he always feels like he is torturing people when he does it! So yes, it hurt, but at least it is out of the way. Although my nose still hurts, and my eye on that side feels weird too. As I expected, nothing has changed since the last time I had it done, but I had to see ENT again before the voice therapy people would see me. Basically my vocal cords aren’t meeting properly, and are bowing, and he said they should be able to give me exercised to do that will strengthen the muscles and get them back to normal. Hopefully I won’t have to wait too long to see them, but who knows with the NHS!

I have heard about the auditions. I was offered the part I auditioned for on monday, which is quite nice, as although it isn’t an enormous part, it is quite a nice part, and quite a few girls were auditioning for it, and I have never done anything with that group before, so it was nice to be cast. Amateur groups are oftten pretty cliquey and give the parts to people who have done lots of shows with them before etc, so it is nice to have found a group that just give the parts to the best people auditioninng, rather than the ones who have done most shows, or whose mother is on the audition panel or something! I didn’t get the part I wanted in the other show, which is a shame, because I would rather have done that part (bigger part, and a really great comedy role), but on the other hand it is probably as well, because I had told the first group that I wasn’t interested in being in the ensemble, and that I would only do it if I got the part, so it then wouldn’t have looked very good if I had then turned down the part after getting it! The thing that frustrates me about the part that I didn’t get though, is that I should have got it. The reason I didn’t was because they didn’t have a good enough guy of a suitable age to play opposite me, so they had to cast a much older guy, who was then too old for me to play opposite, and so they then had to cast an older female. So that was frustrating, because the director told me that I would have had the part if they had had a guy to play against me. But never mind. These things happen. It gives me a chance to do a show with a new group and meet new people etc, and that is always a good thing. I am a bit concerned I have taken on too much though… I wasn’t actually expecting to get the part I went for in either show, and I have already said I will do Miranda in The Tempest, so I now have that (on in the last week of July), my ballet classes 2 nights a week, also until late July (summer holiday then), and now the musical (not on until October, but rehearsals start next week). That basically means I will end up being out pretty much every night, as well as having lots of lines to learn. Oh, and I also have to do 1 more performance of the play that I was in a few weeks ago, as it is entered in a drama festival. Luckily I will only have 1 rehearsal for that, just to check we all still know what we are doing, and then the performance, but it is another committment, although it will be over in 2 weeks. I have to admit that I am feeling slightly pressured and stressed, and wondering if I shouldn’t have tried to do so much, but I suppose I will just have to see how it goes. I am never sure whether committments are a good thing for me or not. I often end up resenting them, and getting very stressed out by them, but on the other hand they sometimes keep me going, because once I have committed to something I really try hard to see it through, particularly if it is something that would mean letting other people down. I guess I will just have to see how it all goes, and if I have a really bad patch or everything is getting too much for me then I will have to try and find a way to cut down on things or make it more manageable.

I wish I could feel happy or enthusiastic about things. Despite having all this stuff going on, I still just have constant thoughts about killing myself. I don’t feel like I am at a high risk of acting on it or anything. But the thoughts are still there all the time. That I don’t want to be alive. That I want to die. That nothing is worth it. That things will never change. That everyone would be better off without me. That I should have killed myself years ago.

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>My Friends

>I didn’t self harm yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’t because I decided against it, but because my blades appear to have disappeared off the face of the planet. Well either that or my mum came across them at some point and took them without saying anything. That is possibly more likely than them disappearing by themselves. But it pissed me off. I searched for them really thoroughly, but they really aren’t anywhere. I was pissed off and tried briefly to cut with something else, but I only like my blades – nothing else cuts it (excuse the pun!). They were special blades, for craft or something – they looked like double edged mens razor blades (except without the funny cut out bit in the middle), but with only one side, which made it easier, as I know I would end up slicing my fingers if I attempted to use double edged blades. They were perfect. I am very sad they have disappeared. I know I rarely used them, but I need them to be there when I do want them, and now I know that they aren’t I desperately feel a need to replace them. The problem is the place I got them from no longer seems to have them, and I am not sure where I can get a good replacement. I am scouring Amazon.

I went to the theatre earlier, to see a play about BPD. It was interesting. Some bits were quite difficult to watch because it felt a bit close to home, but some bits I wasn’t sure about – it sometimes seemed like it was more about a psychotic illness, and although I know that some people with BPD may hear voices or see things, it isn’t really a typical feature. It was interesting to watch though. I went with my friend who I have mentioned before, who is under the same CMHT as me, and it was quite funny because the majority of the CMHT were also in the audience (including L), which was just a bit weird. It is strange seeing people out of context like that, although I did know that some of them would be there, as L had already told me that she was going. There was a Q&A session afterwards, with the cast, a psychologist who had been involved in it, and the playwright/director. Some people asked some quite interesting questions. Overall it was quite an interesting evening. I may write more about it tomorrow when I have had more time to process it all.

I have my ENT appointment tomorrow for my voice. I really am dreading it! I am just such a wuss, and so squeamish, and I don’t want a stupid bloody tube stuck down my nose. I know I won’t be able to sleep properly for stressing about it. I just need to keep thinking that this is something I have to do to get my voice sorted out, so I can sing properly again. Gahhh!

Oh, and in good news, my weight is down a bit. Not much, I have only lost a few lbs, but I have now managed to get past last saturday – my weight is now 0.2lbs lower than it was last saturday, which means it has taken 4 days to lose 1.2lbs, which is pretty slow going, but I am trying to look on the positive side. And really hope it keeps going down. Even thought it frustrates me when it goes down so slowly, it still makes me feel like I am achieving something when I am losing weight, and I need that feeling of achievement at the moment.

Oh, and for anyone wondering how on earth the title relates to the rest of my post, in Sweeney Todd, but the genius Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney sings a song called My Friends to his razors. It is a beautiful song, I recommend you listen to it. But not the Johnny Depp version. Johnny Depp is gorgeous and sexy, but he can’t sing Sondheim like George Hearn can!

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