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Posts Tagged ‘diagnoses’

>I am not sure what to say or where to start. Actually, I think I will begin by addressing the comments regarding the previous post. I was going to reply in the comments, but it would have ended up ridiculously long. Firstly, I did not intend to cause the kind of tension that I have done. As usual, I was just writing what I was thinking, because that is what I do. I should point out that the original comments I quoted in my post were not made anonymously – I just didn’t name any names as I didn’t wish to cause that person to receive messages from people defending me. Thank you for all of the comments, regardless of what you said. I have never tried to censor the comments I receive on my blog, or deleted comments I dislike, because I believe everyone is entitled to express their opinion. For those of you who said you don’t find me self pitying, thank you. I don’t mean to be. And actually I don’t consider that I am particularly. Yes, I feel shit, and I will write about that, but I don’t think of it in a ‘poor me, I feel worse than anyone else’ way in the least. I feel shit, that is a fact, and I will write about the feelings I have, because I have been told it is good for me to express how I am feeling in writing, but I don’t actually feel sorry for myself – I am actually more likely to assume that things are my fault, for example that if I am not receiving as much support as I feel I need, that it is my fault for not asking properly or something. I do try and take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings when I can. But I can also see that talking about how I feel all the time can come across as self indulgent etc. But surely that is what blogs are for? This is a place for me to express how I feel and what I am thinking, and by nature that is self indulgent, but that is why this blog exists. But I do appreciate all of those of you who showed concern and cared enough to post. Lexie, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to say regarding the second, although I have a BPD diagnosis in that I meet the criteria, I have been told by multiple professionals that I am not a ‘typical’ Borderline – I am not attention seeking – if I wanted attention I know exactly how I could get it, and I do not do those things. This is very much a depressive episode, and L agrees with that, and I believe that overall the depression is the primary problem rather than the BPD. I am not saying anything for attention. I don’t feel like I get ignored when things are going well, and in terms of treatment from professionals, I actually get less support when I am feeling like this than when I am able to work more productively towards recovery, so feeling like this is certainly not a way of trying to get attention, and is not a trait of BPD that any professional has ever claimed I display. I am not sure if there are one or two anonymous posters, so I will reply to the actual comments. First anonymous comment, I want to address a couple of points you made. You said ‘This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.’ At no point did I say I was physically unable to eat or walk. But actually, you can be stopped from doing things as a result of mental health problems just as you can be stopped from doing things as a result of physical health problems. As I explained, I have problems with anxiety, which makes going for walks very difficult. And I have an eating disorder, which makes eating regularly very difficult. You said you have been reading for a long time, but I am slightly confused by that, as several things you said would imply you know very little about me. My parents do not, to my knowledge, know about this blog. The disclaimer at the top is there in case they happen to find it. If you read back a couple of weeks you will see I talked to them about how bad I am feeling, so they are aware of that though. If you think what I write is garbage and attention seeking though, please just don’t read. And please, please don’t be rude to other commenters on my blog. My Black Fog is a lovely, caring person, and I thought your comments to her were rude and upsetting – she is struggling enough with her own problems, and I appreciate that she even takes the time to comment on my blog, but calling her a ‘jumped up little turd’ was rude and uncalled for. To both the first and second anonymous comments, hospital is not an option, because my care coordinator does not believe it is helpful. That is not my decision. I do not have the option of having myself admitted to hospital because I am feeling suicidal, as it doesn’t work like that. I have told literally everyone – my GP, the crisis team when they would see me, and L how I feel. It makes no difference. For some reason I am unable to get any help. I am not writing here in the hope that someone who knows me will contact anyone on my behalf, as I have already told all the professionals involved in my care exactly how I feel, and it has made no difference. Friends have in fact offered to do so, but if the professionals aren’t taking any notice of me, I very much doubt they will take any notice of my friends either. I have tried so, so hard over the last few weeks to get help, and it hasn’t happened, and that has left me feeling utterly alone and hopeless. Some see that as being self pitying evidently, but I have been fighting as hard as I can, to get through the thoughts, and to speak to someone who may be able to help me, but it hasn’t made any difference. But if you read my posts over the last few weeks you will see that I have tried desperately hard to get help, despite not always feeling like I want it.

If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.

My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don’t know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 – 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 – it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn’t want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn’t help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don’t feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday – that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment – that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn’t believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn’t do it, and I said that at the moment I didn’t see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can’t remember exactly what was said – she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn’t do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don’t feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn’t say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a ‘shame’ as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can’t do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn’t be feeling more desperate or hopeless – I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can’t do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn’t face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn’t worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn’t think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.

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>I have grown increasingly frustrated regarding diagnosis the last couple of weeks. I feel quite sure that if I didn’t have a BPD diagnosis, I would have received more support than I have done. I am totally convinced. What my GP said to my mum about having BPD, not depression, really clinched it for me. She had said nothing like that when she spoke to me on Wednesday and thought the crisis team should be seeing me, so either the crisis team or the CMHT manager must have told her that. And the only reason they would have told her that would be as justification for why I wasn’t getting more help. The frustrating thing is, I don’t even see it as relevant. I don’t actually think diagnosis should ever be relevant – I think symptoms should be treated/given support for, rather than the diagnosis. But I am particularly pissed off because actually I don’t even feel like BPD is relevant at the moment even in terms of treating diagnoses. I am not disputing that I meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. However, if I look at the diagnostic criteria for Depression I literally meet every single criteria at the moment. Therefore surely that is the current problem rather than BPD, and should be treated accordingly. The diagnostic criteria for BPD relating to mood is ‘Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).’ That is not me. My mood is not reactive, and it has lasted weeks, not hours or days. The only time that applies is when I have episodes when I am particularly irritable or hyper for a few hours. It never applies to my depressed or suicidal periods, and I would not consider my mood unstable – it is consistantly very low, and has been for weeks. It makes me so angry that there is still so much prejudice surrounding BPD, which there absolutely is. I don’t self harm or take small overdoses and then turn up at A&E – I have never, ever done that. I don’t make threats regarding suicide – I only talk about feeling suicidal if I am feeling genuinely suicidal and unable to keep myself safe. And the times I have attempted suicide have not been impulsive – it has been at times like this when I have been feeling desperate and reach a point where I can no longer cope – they have been planned. But I feel like I am being treated as though I am the ‘stereotypical’ borderline who takes overdoses for attention and that giving me support would be encouraging attention seeking etc. I know I meet the BPD criteria. But I also meet the criteria for Depression, and more closely in my opinion, and that is what is making me feel like this at the moment. And I honestly feel that if Depression was my only diagnosis, I would be receiving different treatment at the moment. I am sure that would be denied by the crisis team or any other professionals, but I have seen from the experiences of friends the difference in the support given to people with a BPD diagnosis, and the support given to people with mood disorder diagnoses, even if presenting with the same symptoms, and except in a few exceptional cases, those with mood disorders virtually always seem to get given more support in crisis. I know the medications I have tried have seemed to have little effect, but I am sure that if Depression was my only diagnosis then medicaations would continue to be tried until something helped. I would not just be left, when feeling suicidal, and expected to get on with things. The crisis team would have arranged the appointment with the psychiatrist that they talked about, and they would probably have continued to visit, and although they aren’t always helpful, when I am feeling like this I do find it helpful to know that I have some form of support, and knowing there will be daily visits etc does make a difference. It doesn’t change how I feel, but I know from past experience that it makes it easier to take things one day at a time, which is something I am struggling with at the moment, and various other things. As I said, I am sure it would be denied, but I am convinced that had my diagnosis been different, I would have received different treatment these last few weeks, and that makes me angry.

I spoke to L earlier. I can’t remember what we talked about. It was only a few hours ago, but my brain just isn’t working. I remember that she was supportive though, and I didn’t feel like she didn’t care about me. I trust her a bit more than I did. It all feels rather irrelevant though. Nobody can change how I feel, and I still have the same level of help. Or lack of.

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>Another exciting day….

>It has been a pretty uneventful day. A few days ago I had ordered a Sims expansion pack online, because I thought it might give me something to do and keep me occupied and distracted for a while, and that arrived this morning. I installed it and tried to play it but just couldn’t be bothered – I couldn’t concentrate and it just didn’t interest me, so I gave up after a while. I am just trying to find something that will interest me and hold my attention and there is nothing. Last week when I was away, I was starting to feel like I was on the edge of things getting worse again, and I tried to make a mental list of things that I like doing so that I could use it if things did get worse. I came up with a few things. The trouble is, I had forgotten how much my concentration and motivation disappear, and so it has rendered my list useless. Reading? Yes, great when things aren’t too bad, but I can’t get through a page again now. In the week I was away I read 4 books – since I have been home I have read 1 book, and that was in the first couple of days after I got home. Since then I have been trying and trying and can’t even get through 1 chapter. Logic puzzles – I like logic puzzles. I tend to forget about them for the majority of the year, but for some reason I always take a puzzle book on holiday with me, and get one at Christmas, and the logic puzzles are always my favourite. But I can’t do them now. I stare at them and they just make no sense to me. How on earth am I supposed to work them out? And why would I want to? Why would I give a shit who bought which present and where and how much it cost? Watching TV/DVDs. I try putting the TV on, but it either irritates me to the point where I have to turn it off, or I drift off and realise I haven’t actually got a clue what is going on. The internet. I spend hours and hours a day on the internet – I send emails, I read blogs, I read articles about various things, I read message boards, I look things up. Now I turn on the computer, check my email, and then wonder what I usually do after that. I look at some blogs, but they seem confusing and complicated. I try looking at some message boards, but decide I don’t actually care about anything being discussed. It all seems pointless. I don’t know what to do with myself. Everything I can think of to do is just beyond me. It either seems far too difficult and complicated, or completely pointless, or both.

I had an uneventful appointment with my GP earlier. We discussed the crap weather in Cornwall, as she was on holiday in Cornwall the same week as me. I noticed multiple mistakes in my notes that I pointed out. Her notes said I have been sectioned, which I haven’t. There were a couple of incorrect diagnoses on there, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder (long story but a fuckwit of a psychologist, who actually seemed fairly narcissistic herself, diagnosed me with that once – that was my first PD diagnosis, and probably the reason I ended up with a BPD diagnosis, as everyone else realised that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was completely and utterly inaccurate and that I didn’t meet a single disagnostic criteria, but seemed to feel the need to diagnose me with some type of Personality Disorder, and Borderline seemed most appropriate. That is my interpretation of events anyway. But that was all about 2 years ago, so shouldn’t still be on my notes). Missing suicide attempt. I think that was more or less it. She changed all the wrong things, added the right things, wondered how the wrong things had ended up on there. Exciting stuff.

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>Personality Test

>I did this test for no reason other than Seeking Sanity had done it and I was curious. The results were more or less what I would have expected to be honest, but obviously none of these tests are diagnostic in any way – I just did it out of curiosity, partly to see how well the results matched my Diagnosis and other ‘issues’ I have been told I have. The result for Very High and High were a pretty accurate match – I would have expected those to be high, and would have been suprised if any of the others were high.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Disorder: Moderate
Schizoid Disorder: Low
Schizotypal Disorder: Low
Antisocial Disorder: Low
Borderline Disorder: Very High
Histrionic Disorder: Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder: Low
Avoidant Disorder: High
Dependent Disorder: High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Moderate

Personality Disorder Test – Take It!
Personality Disorders

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>I have decided to write a series of posts about some of my experiences within the MH system. I will discuss my experiences of inpatient and outpatient care, NHS and private, and people who have been important to me during this time. To start with I am going to do a timeline, outlining the major events, both MH, and what I was doing life wise at the time. This will probably be fairly dull, but will help to form the basis of future posts.

2003 – Aged 16/17
– Was at 6th Form College – took my AS levels in the Summer of ’03
– First spoke to someone about the difficulties I was having with my mood and eating
– Had first experience of counselling, at college
– First saw my GP regarding my MH problems
– First started anti depressants
– Was referred to the CMHT by my GP

2004 – Aged 17/18
– 6th Form College – took my A levels in the Summer of ’04
– Was assessed by the CMHT
– Was diagnosed with Bulimia and Depression
– Began seeing a Clinical Psychologist at the CMHT
– Saw the first in a line of Psychiatrists
– Started anti depressant number 2

2005 – Aged 18/19
– Still at college – had stayed on an extra year
– Started anti depressant number 3
– Bulimia diagnosis changed to EDNOS
– First serious suicide attempt – was in hospital for medical purposes, but did not go into a psychiatric hospital
– Went to university
– First psychiatric admission, to NHS Acute Psychiatric Ward number 1
– Started anti depressant number 4
– Returned to university
– Second psychiatric admission, to NHS Acute Psych Ward number 2, then transferred to Posh Private Hospital
– Was discharged from Posh Private Hospital, deemed too ill to return to Uni, so came home

2006 – Aged 19/20
– Registered with a new GP, which meant I was now under a different CMHT to the one I had been prior to Uni
– New care coordinator was an OT
– New GP went off sick
– Was first under the Crisis Team in terms of daily visits
– Was referred to day hospital
– Was out of area for day hospital
– Started Art Therapy group
– Started seeing a support worker
– Started attending local MIND drop in centre
– Care Coordinator went off sick
– GP returned

2007 – Aged 20/21
– Had informal family therapy
– GP went off sick
– Had 3 session assessment appointment with a Clinical Psychologist
– Received a new Care Coordinator as the other was still off sick
– Started anti depressant number 5

2008 – Aged 21/22
– GP returned
– Stopped Art Therapy group
– Care Coordinator was promoted to manager, so stopped seeing me
– Support Worker left
– Stopped attending MIND centre
– Started seeing the Psychologist I had been assessed by the year before
– Was diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder
– Started an evening course in London, and was planning to move there
– Second serious suicide attempt – again was on medical ward, but not psychiatric
– Started anti depressant number 6 (which was number 1 again, but a higher dose, and with Tryptophan alongside)
– GP went off sick
– Switched GPs (to my current GP – Dr O). This meant I was now under the original CMHT again
– Under Crisis Team again
– New Care Coordinator was an incompetant Social Worker

2009 – Aged 22/23
– Started seeing my current Psychiatrist – Dr E
– Had formal family therapy
– Started seeing my current Support Worker, N
– Attended an Anxiety Management course run by MIND
– Multiple visits to A&E
– The Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis was scrapped, and replaced with Borderline Personality Disorder
– After much fighting, got a new Care Coordinator – my fantastic CPN, L

And that brings us up to date! Sorry that was so boring, and far longer than I expected. I have missed out some minor overdoses that weren’t proper suicide attempts, and am unsure of all the dates of my GP going off sick and returning, so I guessed some of them. I am unsure whether to continue the rest of the series by talking about things in chronological order, or in themes. Chronological order may be a bit dull, but themes might get confusing if I start talking about things that haven’t happened yet! I am leaning towards chronological, perhaps with some old diary excerpts, and them a separate post on the important people in all of this (ie those I have been quite attached to). I might start with that, as it is the simplest. This is probably all quite dull to people reading, but if there is anything in particular that you would like me to write about then please say.

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