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Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

Moving home!

This is my new home – I have now left my Blogger account and settled here. As I explained before, this was for various reasons; I had intended to switch a long time ago but never got around to it, but recent comments on my old blog were making me feel too paranoid to continue blogging there, so rather than make that blog invite only, I decided to switch to here where I can just password protect certain posts if I feel the need, although I hope not to have to do that often. I am still finding my way around – I haven’t got a blogroll on here yet for example, but that will be sorted in time. So yes, this is my new home. If you have me on your blogroll I would appreciate it if you could change it to this address, as this is where I will be from now on. I will post a proper update with what has been going on over the last couple of weeks later today.

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Change of plan

I am no longer going to be blogging here – I am making the move the WordPress. This is primarily so that I can just password protect certain posts if I feel the need to, rather than my entire blog being invite only. My Twitter and Facebook accounts will remain the same, as will my email address. I am currently finishing setting things up, and will let people know the link soon. Hopefully when I have finished setting it all up I will get back to blogging regularly, as I have found I have missed it, and I think perhaps not having that form of support contributed to a further slip in my mood, but to be honest I don’t know that I could have written much anyway due to my mood. I will fill you in on what has been going on over on the new blog, hopefully later today.

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Blog going invite only

I need to blog. I am finding it hard not having it as an outlet and I miss it. But right now I can’t do it in public in the way I always have done, as I am too paranoid about what people are thinking of me etc, so I have made the decision to make it invitation only. I am kind of upset about this, as to me it takes away one of the core things I like about blogging – that absolutely anyone can stumble onto your blog and start reading, and I have grown close to several people through this blog, who I obviously wouldn’t know at all if my blog had always been private. But for the time being that is the plan, and hopefully at some point in the future I will go back to open blogging. If you would like to continue to read then please either send me a DM on Twitter, a message on Facebook, or an email, with the email address you want me to send the invitation to. Please do not ask for an invitation if you think I am attention seeking/crying wolf/give BPD a bad name, or any of the other things I have been accused of lately – I can’t think why you would be reading my blog in the first place if you feel like that, but clearly people do. Thanks.

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Break

Just wanted to let you all know I am not intending to blog for a while. I may or may come back to it, I don’t know. I have met some wonderful friends through this blog who I value enormously, but I feel too much like I am being judged by what I write here to continue. I have nothing to talk about except how I feel, and that is not changing, and I can’t cope with being accused of crying wolf for talking about my feelings, so I feel a break is in order. The suicidal thoughts are incredibly strong, but since I am still alive that apparently proves I am just attention seeking, and the fact that the professionals and my family know how I am feeling but don’t offer any more support makes me feel like they either also think I am attention seeking, or that they have accepted my decision – it doesn’t really matter which. As I have said before, I have been having trust issues for a while, and they have just been exacerbated by things that have been going on on Facebook lately in relation to this blog, and I just can’t deal with it. I had been considering taking a break anyway, and events tonight have made up my mind. If I am around, those of you who want to keep in touch with me know how to. Thank you very much for all of the support over the past 15 months or so. I appreciate it enormously and wish you all the best. xxxx

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>I am not sure what to say or where to start. Actually, I think I will begin by addressing the comments regarding the previous post. I was going to reply in the comments, but it would have ended up ridiculously long. Firstly, I did not intend to cause the kind of tension that I have done. As usual, I was just writing what I was thinking, because that is what I do. I should point out that the original comments I quoted in my post were not made anonymously – I just didn’t name any names as I didn’t wish to cause that person to receive messages from people defending me. Thank you for all of the comments, regardless of what you said. I have never tried to censor the comments I receive on my blog, or deleted comments I dislike, because I believe everyone is entitled to express their opinion. For those of you who said you don’t find me self pitying, thank you. I don’t mean to be. And actually I don’t consider that I am particularly. Yes, I feel shit, and I will write about that, but I don’t think of it in a ‘poor me, I feel worse than anyone else’ way in the least. I feel shit, that is a fact, and I will write about the feelings I have, because I have been told it is good for me to express how I am feeling in writing, but I don’t actually feel sorry for myself – I am actually more likely to assume that things are my fault, for example that if I am not receiving as much support as I feel I need, that it is my fault for not asking properly or something. I do try and take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings when I can. But I can also see that talking about how I feel all the time can come across as self indulgent etc. But surely that is what blogs are for? This is a place for me to express how I feel and what I am thinking, and by nature that is self indulgent, but that is why this blog exists. But I do appreciate all of those of you who showed concern and cared enough to post. Lexie, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to say regarding the second, although I have a BPD diagnosis in that I meet the criteria, I have been told by multiple professionals that I am not a ‘typical’ Borderline – I am not attention seeking – if I wanted attention I know exactly how I could get it, and I do not do those things. This is very much a depressive episode, and L agrees with that, and I believe that overall the depression is the primary problem rather than the BPD. I am not saying anything for attention. I don’t feel like I get ignored when things are going well, and in terms of treatment from professionals, I actually get less support when I am feeling like this than when I am able to work more productively towards recovery, so feeling like this is certainly not a way of trying to get attention, and is not a trait of BPD that any professional has ever claimed I display. I am not sure if there are one or two anonymous posters, so I will reply to the actual comments. First anonymous comment, I want to address a couple of points you made. You said ‘This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.’ At no point did I say I was physically unable to eat or walk. But actually, you can be stopped from doing things as a result of mental health problems just as you can be stopped from doing things as a result of physical health problems. As I explained, I have problems with anxiety, which makes going for walks very difficult. And I have an eating disorder, which makes eating regularly very difficult. You said you have been reading for a long time, but I am slightly confused by that, as several things you said would imply you know very little about me. My parents do not, to my knowledge, know about this blog. The disclaimer at the top is there in case they happen to find it. If you read back a couple of weeks you will see I talked to them about how bad I am feeling, so they are aware of that though. If you think what I write is garbage and attention seeking though, please just don’t read. And please, please don’t be rude to other commenters on my blog. My Black Fog is a lovely, caring person, and I thought your comments to her were rude and upsetting – she is struggling enough with her own problems, and I appreciate that she even takes the time to comment on my blog, but calling her a ‘jumped up little turd’ was rude and uncalled for. To both the first and second anonymous comments, hospital is not an option, because my care coordinator does not believe it is helpful. That is not my decision. I do not have the option of having myself admitted to hospital because I am feeling suicidal, as it doesn’t work like that. I have told literally everyone – my GP, the crisis team when they would see me, and L how I feel. It makes no difference. For some reason I am unable to get any help. I am not writing here in the hope that someone who knows me will contact anyone on my behalf, as I have already told all the professionals involved in my care exactly how I feel, and it has made no difference. Friends have in fact offered to do so, but if the professionals aren’t taking any notice of me, I very much doubt they will take any notice of my friends either. I have tried so, so hard over the last few weeks to get help, and it hasn’t happened, and that has left me feeling utterly alone and hopeless. Some see that as being self pitying evidently, but I have been fighting as hard as I can, to get through the thoughts, and to speak to someone who may be able to help me, but it hasn’t made any difference. But if you read my posts over the last few weeks you will see that I have tried desperately hard to get help, despite not always feeling like I want it.

If you find my writing self pitying, irritating, garbage, etc etc, I am now going to go on and write more of what you will probably consider drivel, so I would probably suggest you stop reading now.

My appointment this afternoon felt really quite hideous. I don’t know what to say about it. It was much as I expected it to be really. L started by asking how I was, although obviously she knew from speaking to her yesterday that things are not good. She asked me to rate my mood from 1 – 10, which was interesting, as although many people have asked me to do that before, she never has. She said based on how I was feeling right then, if 1 was feeling normal, ok, etc, and 10 was the worst I have ever felt, how was I feeling. I said a 9 or a 10, and she said to pick one, and so I said 9, as although I was feeling hideous, there have been points in the last few days and weeks when I have felt even more desperate, so they would be the 10s. But overall I would rate this whole episode as a 10 – it is equally as bad as I have ever felt, possibly more so. She asked what I wanted, and I said not to feel like this. She agreed with that, and asked how I thought that could happen. I knew it would frustrate her so I was hesitant about answering, but I said that it felt like the only way I could stop feeling like this was by killing myself. She said that she didn’t want to talk about suicidal thoughts as there was no mileage in it and it wouldn’t help or get me anywhere. She said their job is not about preventing suicide, and that it is very rare they will actually take any steps to try and stop someone killing themselves, and that there was no point in talking about it. I said that I knew that, but she had asked me, and so I was just telling her my honest response. She said she is finding it difficult because she feels like I want to die more than I want to get better at the moment, which I explained is certainly true some of the time, but at other times I really want to get better but just don’t feel able to. She talked again about what she had said on the phone yesterday – that I needed to get some routine in my life, and work on getting my sleep pattern sorted, and eating regularly, and finding things to occupy me and that I could look forward to. I said that I agreed I needed more structure, and that if I was in a slightly better place than I am now then I definitely think that would be the way forward, but at the moment I was finding such small things, like getting up to go to the toilet, and getting dressed, enormous mountains, that just took all my energy. I also explained that I was finding it impossible to distract myself at the moment – that I had tried everything I could think of, but nothing helped, but she said she didn’t believe nothing helped. She asked if I was saying I couldn’t do it, and I said that at the moment I didn’t see how I could, when such small things were so exhausting, but that I could see that was what was needed. I can’t remember exactly what was said – she talked a lot, but essentially what she was saying was that I needed to make a decision between doing what she was saying, and being discharged, and if I couldn’t do what she was saying then she would discharge me. She sat talking about planning activities and I just had sheer panic going through my head, and I honestly don’t feel able to do what I am being asked to do at the moment without any support, but I couldn’t say that because it would result in me being kicked out of mental health services, which she reminded me would also mean I would no longer be on the waiting list to see the psychologist, which she thought would be a ‘shame’ as that could help. I found during my appointment that the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger, as I am feeling so awful, and feel desperately like I need help, but am being told that the only way I can continue to receive help (fortnightly sessions) is by doing things that I just can’t do whilst I am feeling this bad. I couldn’t be feeling more desperate or hopeless – I have tried so hard to get help, but it is not forthcoming, and I can’t do this on my own at the moment. L spent about 45 minutes with me, rather than the hour to hour and a half that she normally spends with me, made an appointment to see me in a fortnight, and said she expected me to have made a decision and thought about what I could do by then. After feeling very numb and blank all session, I burst into tears at the end, and she opened the door and said goodbye. I went and sat in the most private place in the waiting room, where nobody would see me, and just cried for a while, as I couldn’t face leaving the building so upset, and I was just feeling so desperate. I have tried so hard to get help, as I really feel like that is the only way I can get through this, but it hasn’t worked. I genuinely do understand what she is saying I need to do, but I do not understand how she is expecting me to do it, feeling like this, with no help or support. If she had said I needed to do that, helped me come up with exactly what I needed to do, and arranged some type of support to help me do it, for example seeing the crisis team for a little while to help get things on track, then that would have been an entirely different matter. But just to be told I have to structure my days, on my own, with no help, and with no support for another two weeks, when I am feeling so exhausted and depressed that just getting out of bed is an immense struggle just feels impossible. To be honest I wish that I had listened to my instincts yesterday and not gone to the appointment today. I didn’t think it could make me feel worse or more desperate, but it has.

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>Hurt

>So I have my appointment with L later. I am not feeling remotely positive about it. I can’t see an outcome that could improve things or make me feel any more positive about anything. I feel like it is going to be a difficult appointment for both of us – she is going to be frustrated by me because I don’t feel able to do simple things like get dressed and go out for walks daily, and eat regular meals, and improve my sleep, and I am going to feel useless because I can’t do any of those things, and frustrated with myself for being so pathetic, and with her for not being able to do more, which I know is unfair, but I just feel so horrible. I seriously considered not going to the appointment. Not just not turning up, because I don’t do that, but cancelling – I am not sure whether for her sake or mine, or both. I did actually send her an email in the afternoon to that effect, saying that I was concerned it would be frustrating as she would want me to do things that I don’t feel able to do, and I didn’t want to make things tense, or to frustrate her, or make me feel worse. She replied that she thought we should talk about the options, and so would be happier if I kept the appointment, so I will go. I am worried, and I think not without reason, that she is going to stop seeing me. She talked last time about how if I am feeling this bad she obviously isn’t helping, and maybe she is either taking a wrong approach, or she is the wrong person to be working with me at the moment. I have a strong suspicion that she may suggest we either take a break from sessions, or that she will pass me to another member of the team. I know I must be immensely frustrating at the moment, and based on the last time I saw her I just wouldn’t be surprised if something like that happens. I will just have to see what happens I suppose, but I really won’t be shocked if something along those lines does come up, particularly given what she said about talking about the options, as I am unsure as to what else she could mean by that. I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by not being able to do the things she wants me to.

It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things “Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, ‘Madospherites’, i do know what I’m talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don’t come back at me with self-indulgent drivel.” I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don’t write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don’t want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don’t. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don’t want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop – I honestly don’t mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don’t want anyone to read if they don’t want to.

I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn’t easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it – I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told “No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled”). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn’t appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don’t want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.

So where from here? I don’t know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn’t what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.

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>Shiny thing of shininess

>I am rather late with this, but it is time to display and show off about my shiny thing of shininess, as awarded by Mental Nurse. I won this in the annual TWIM awards, for being runner up in Best Personality Disorder Blog. I was amazed to receive so many nominations, particularly given that I am in the same category as Pandora, who is the author of what is, in my opinion, one of the best mental health blogs around, and who rightfully won the category. I am always shocked that people even read the drivel that I write on here, as essentially I just come on here to brain fart – I don’t have a wonderfully articulate, well written, thought through blog like lots of other people do, and even after writing it for a year it still surprises me that people make the effort to comment on what I write, and the nominations I received for the TWIM awards were even more surprising. So thank you to everyone who voted, and thank you to everyone who comments or reads – it all means a lot to me. Congratulations to all of the other winners in all of the categories – many of my favourite blogs scooped awards, and lots of others received nominations – there is a full list of winners here for anyone who wants to check out some of the other brilliant blogs.

As I said recently my blog, and the rest of the Madosphere, has come to mean a lot to me over the last year, and has been one of my biggest sources of support, so thank you for that. I genuinely don’t know where I would be without all of the support I get from this blog, and people I have met through writing it. Winning an award for something that has helped me so much almost feels wrong, as I write for entirely selfish means, but I appreciate it very much.

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