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Posts Tagged ‘birthday’

>Weight and Cake

>I feel hideous. I have gained over 2lbs the last few days, and although I am aware that isn’t very much, my weight does not fluctuate except with actual weight gain and loss, and I just feel like I have lost control of the sole thing that was actually ok and I wasn’t feeling hideous about. The strange thing is, I still have no appetite. I am not hungry. I have just been eating for the sake of it, and that really annoys me. If I am hungry and I eat then that is kind of fair enough, although I still resent it if it causes weight gain, but not even being hungry and yet still managing to eat enough that I gain weight is just shit to be honest. I just feel revolting.

Naturally the way to solve the problem was to make a cake….. I do wonder about my intelligence at times. My mum clearly wanted a birthday cake though – when she was in Sainsbury’s last week she phoned me and said they had the Betty Crocker Devil’s Food Cake mix on offer, plus the icing and should she buy them. I said she may as well buy the cake mix, since those cakes always turn out perfectly, whereas generally I find chocolate cakes a bit hit and miss as to whether they are delicious or dry, despite using the same recipe. Ironically I said not to bother with the icing, since icing isn’t exactly difficult to make. Yesterday’s endeavor clearly proved me wrong on that score. So anyway, I cheated and used the packet mix for the cake (which I did on Sunday) and then planned to decorate it yesterday, but as I explained, it all went hideously wrong as the buttercream curdled, and absolutely nothing I tried made it right again. So today I started again. I wanted two lots of icing – white chocolate for the middle layer and for piping, and normal chocolate for the top and sides. It all went fine. It just took so long. I don’t know if I am just spectacularly crap at doing things like that, or if my concentration is bad enough at the moment that I went off into my own thoughts for long periods at a time, but from starting to make the icing, to the cake being totally finished took three hours, which is pretty ridiculous quite frankly – I wasn’t attempting anything terribly complicated, and I did absolutely nothing in that time apart from that. Wondering if maybe some dissociating was going on, as three hours is just an absurd length of time for it to have taken when I look back at it. Due to my lack of imagination the cake looks remarkably similar to the cake I made for Mother’s Day last year. Here are cake pictures since I have nothing interesting to say;

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>(Mis)Trust

>I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn’t hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn’t have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her – she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly – all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can’t have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can’t quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother’s Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don’t have to go anywhere tomorrow – that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice – vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren’t terribly attractive I don’t think, but I kind of don’t give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the ‘What do you do?’ question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No…. I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven’t done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven’t done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it – are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn’t seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn’t sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don’t hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven’t, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot – usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can’t cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don’t believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June – perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn’t previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn’t do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can’t be taken over. But that doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn’t deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don’t even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don’t know what I can possibly do.

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>Useless

>I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.

My mum’s boss died this morning. That’s sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn’t even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don’t think my mum will have had a very good birthday.

I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don’t want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don’t remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.

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>Isolating

>Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people – I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven’t spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn’t say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn’t make any noise and didn’t involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn’t feeling too great. I can’t do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don’t know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can’t concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.

Plus it is my mum’s birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn’t realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven’t got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won’t have long at home – we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn’t spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her – I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can’t face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.

I can’t wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven’t slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don’t want to. I wish so much I didn’t have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.

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>Broken

>I don’t know what to say. I feel broken. Everything feels wrong. The suicidal thoughts are incessant. My concentration is non existent, as is my motivation to do anything. I am constantly exhausted and yet still can’t sleep properly. I don’t seem to have much appetite at all, which my eating disorder is of course not minding, but it feels a bit wrong. If I have the TV or music on, even quietly, it feels like it is drilling through my head, unless I have a Diazepam first, which helps slightly. When you can’t read, watch TV, listen to music, or do anything involving brain power (sometimes I do puzzle books when I can’t concentrate to read, but they take more brain power than I have at the moment) I find there really aren’t any distraction techniques. I come online but most of the time I seem to just stare at the screen in a daze. And then it gets too much and gives me a headache and I have to log off. I am completely alone as everyone in real life is against me. I am not entirely sure about my dad yet – he may not be, but I am not convinced. My mum is definitely completely on their side, 100%. In fact it is worse than that because she comes up with theories on everything, including me, and then presents them as though they are fact. Apparently it is like being a drug addict who needs more and more drugs, except for me it is support. Which is bollocks. When I was doing better and had weekly appointments with L I didn’t have a problem with my level of support. However, when I am feeling how I am now, I do feel I need more support because it is too much to try and deal with alone. Today has been a very difficult day. Very emotional. I suppose this evening/tonight really. The suicidal thoughts have been incredibly strong and I have spent a lot of time either staring at the wall feeling completely numb, or getting upset and finding myself rocking and crying. There has been screaming at my mum for continuing to justify the shitness of mental health services and screaming at my mum because I am just in so much pain. Lots more crying. Desperate. Even now the thoughts of killing myself are incredibly strong. My eyes are stinging from all the crying. I have been very attached to my teddy bear the last two days. This is something that happened once before in a particularly bad patch. I wouldn’t leave the house without him. At the moment he is being carried wherever I go, and my arm is around him as I am typing, which isn’t convenient, but I suppose he is my security. I have had him since my first Christmas, and he has been virtually everywhere with me – his home has always been on my bed, and he has been on holiday with me, he went to university with me, he went into hospital with me – he has been nearly everywhere I have been. And throughout my life when I have been upset I have come to my room and cried on my bed with him. I am getting increasingly scared of leaving the house. I was trying to remember when I last went anywhere but thinking gives me a headache. I shouldn’t have tried. All the days and nights have merged and I am thoroughly confused. On Monday I have to go to ballet and rehearsal and I am already feeling incredibly anxious about it. Not going isn’t an option unless I am dead, but the thought of having to go out and be around people and be sociable fills me with dread, and ridiculous as it sounds, I don’t want to be without my teddy. It is my mum’s birthday on Monday. That means I need to pretend to be ok so I don’t ruin the day for her, and I don’t think I can do that at the moment. I feel like a shit daughter and that she would be better off without me. Everything feels much too much. I feel like I am going to snap really soon.

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>New Year blues

>Today has been a shit day. I just feel like a tonne of bricks dropped on me a few days ago, and every day another tonne has been added. My aunt was here today, which was ok, but I just find speaking to people, and trying to show any enthusiasm in what they are saying so much effort – I don’t even feel able to fake it properly any more. I ate like a fucking pig – yesterday I weighed less than a pound more than I did pre-Christmas, which I thought was quite impressive in the overall scheme of things. Today there was loads of food out because we had people over, and so I just ate fucking non stop. I felt sick and still kept eating. I desperately wanted to purge, but that wasn’t an option, and so for some reason I just kept eating instead. I am not sure whether it was supposed to be comfort eating, in which case it failed miserably as it made me feel like complete shit, or whether I was punishing myself, and since I couldn’t purge I just kept eating until I felt ill instead. Either way I ended up feeling grotesque. All day I was getting really graphic images popping up in my head of me hurting myself. Mostly bad self harm, which is quite random as I rarely self harm, and when I do it is never deep. But I just kept getting these images of me cutting myself really deep, and slicing big chunks of fat off my thighs. We have a bread knife, which is supposedly ‘The World’s Sharpest Knife’ (says that on it) and every time I see it I imagine sawing through all of the fat on my thighs with it. It will saw through frozen chicken portions, so it obviously is quite sharp. I know I would be very unlikely to do it – that just isn’t my style. I don’t like anything that involves medical attention. Proper suicide attempts are slightly different as the medical attention is not my intention or plan in those situations, but I would never take an overdose or self harm and then present at A&E – I am not judging people who do that, but it just is not something I would want to do. If I want to hurt myself I want to do it in the most unobtrusive way I can find, again barring suicide attempts, as by their nature they have a tendency to attract attention. But if there was a way I could just disappear then I would. Anyway, so I had lots of films in my head of self harming badly, and also of jumping off a multi storey car park, and of hanging myself. My head isn’t a nice place to be at the moment. It is quite distressing really I suppose. Even if you want to die, you don’t really want possible scenarios playing out in your head constantly – it all gets a bit much really.

I loathe New Year. More than I can express. I think it is actually my least favourite day of the whole year. It is even worse than my birthday I think. At least most people either don’t know, or forget, that it is your birthday, and so you can generally get through most of the day without it being brought to your attention, and if you look at it from a materialistic view point you usually get presents and a cake, and so there are some nicer aspects to it, although I have to say that I think birthdays are pretty shit really, and I refused to acknowledge mine on the correct day this year. But anyway. New Year. What the fuck is the point? It is another year. And people actually seem to think that because the number of the year is different, your life will also be different. That things will change for you this year, or that this will be the year that is good for you, or where you will achieve something, and bollocks like that. No. It will be the same – the date will just be slightly different. And then you are expected to stand around drinking Champagne and singing a stupid song that nobody actually knows the words to, and saying Happy New Year to everyone you see for the next couple of days. And I don’t know what we are fucking celebrating. I have never understood that, ever. It makes no sense to me. All it does for me is remind me of everything I have wanted to achieve but haven’t in the past year, and make me realise what a failure I am.

My mother has done a good job of reminding me of that this evening actually. She doesn’t do it intentionally, but she really seems to have a knack of tapping into my insecurities. Earlier on she told me she really thought I should have applied for drama school this year, and that if I didn’t go this year (meaning 2011) she didn’t think I would ever go, and that this would have been a really good year to apply. I said that I didn’t feel well enough, but according to her I am because I can get up on stage and perform, and that is all you do at drama school. Which is of course complete rubbish. She then pointed out that if I didn’t go this year I would be at least 26 when I started, and that I would be getting old, and when I said that actually some people go to drama school a lot older than that she said that they would have achieved something first, whereas I haven’t done anything. Which is all fucking true, and makes me even more angry and upset because of that. If she had been talking bollocks then I could have coped with it, but she was saying all of the things that I always think. That I am getting old, that I haven’t achieved anything, and basically that I will never accomplish the only thing I have ever wanted to do, because I am leaving it too late because of my mental health problems. Great. Just what I needed to hear the day before my least favourite day of the entire year when I dwell on all of those things anyway. She didn’t say any of it in a nasty way. It just felt like salt being rubbed into a very raw wound.

Apparently my sister has invited my parents to spend New Year’s Eve at their house. Not me of course because she still hates me. I was hoping they would go, but it seems they aren’t going to. I had it all planned out. If they went I was going to tell them I would probably be asleep by the time they got home, take an overdose as soon as they had left, and leave a note somewhere where it would be found but not immediately, so that they wouldn’t see it when they got home. Then when they got home they wouldn’t have known I had taken an overdose, and so would just think I was sleeping, then I usually sleep until at least 1, so they wouldn’t come up to see me before that, and it may even have been an hour or two after, and so my overdose would have had a good 18 hours to work before I was found, possibly even 20. Unfortunately it seems they aren’t going to go. Primarily because my dad doesn’t want to, although my mum also said that she didn’t want to leave me here on my own on New Year’s Eve, despite me protesting that I really didn’t mind at all. They know that I loathe New Year and don’t want to celebrate it. They see me having a complete breakdown every year. And yet they still try to give me champagne and say Happy New Year to me. When I said something to my mum tonight about how much I hate New Year she said she thinks someone must have said they hated New Year to me, and so I say it as well. Because I clearly couldn’t actually have a thought of my own – everything I think and feel that she doesn’t understand or disagrees with, she calls my ‘quirks’ and seems to attribute all of them to things that other people have said or done that I have copied. I suppose that fits in quite well with her agreeing with my sister that there isn’t actually anything wrong with me and that I do everything for effect.

I am feeling really terrible. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I can’t imagine anything at all that would make me want to live, or make this constant pain bearable. I really want to die. I don’t want to be told how much I have achieved, or how strong I am, or that 2011 will be better for me, or anything else. I just want my life to end, and I consider myself incredibly weak for not making that happen before this.

‘Turning, turning, turning through the years.
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes, nothing ever can
Round and round the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!’
 – ‘Turning’, Les Miserables

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>Happy Birthday Blog!

>Today is my blog’s 1st Birthday! I would really like to thank everyone who has read and commented over the last year. Starting this blog was one of the best decisions I have made in recent years – I have met so many really incredible people, and I am so thankful to know all of you. I would never have dreamed when I started this blog a year ago, just as a place for me to write about how I was feeling, that I would get so many readers, and that I would end up feeling so close to my fellow bloggers. So thank you all very much for your support over the last year – I genuinely have no idea where I would be if it wasn’t for all of the support and understanding I have received from readers of this blog, both here on the blog, and on Twitter, Facebook, and via email and MSN – people staying up half the night to support me through bad times by talking to me, or leaving me comments, or just checking in on me when things haven’t been great. It really does mean more than I can say, and whilst it sounds somewhat melodramatic to say I don’t know where I would be without it, I really don’t. This really has turned into one of my main sources of support, or at least the people I have met via it has, and there are definitely times I don’t know if I would have managed to get through without the support. I couldn’t wish for a more caring and compassionate online support network, and you all mean so much to me. Thank you so much for everything.

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