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Posts Tagged ‘baking’

>Weight and Cake

>I feel hideous. I have gained over 2lbs the last few days, and although I am aware that isn’t very much, my weight does not fluctuate except with actual weight gain and loss, and I just feel like I have lost control of the sole thing that was actually ok and I wasn’t feeling hideous about. The strange thing is, I still have no appetite. I am not hungry. I have just been eating for the sake of it, and that really annoys me. If I am hungry and I eat then that is kind of fair enough, although I still resent it if it causes weight gain, but not even being hungry and yet still managing to eat enough that I gain weight is just shit to be honest. I just feel revolting.

Naturally the way to solve the problem was to make a cake….. I do wonder about my intelligence at times. My mum clearly wanted a birthday cake though – when she was in Sainsbury’s last week she phoned me and said they had the Betty Crocker Devil’s Food Cake mix on offer, plus the icing and should she buy them. I said she may as well buy the cake mix, since those cakes always turn out perfectly, whereas generally I find chocolate cakes a bit hit and miss as to whether they are delicious or dry, despite using the same recipe. Ironically I said not to bother with the icing, since icing isn’t exactly difficult to make. Yesterday’s endeavor clearly proved me wrong on that score. So anyway, I cheated and used the packet mix for the cake (which I did on Sunday) and then planned to decorate it yesterday, but as I explained, it all went hideously wrong as the buttercream curdled, and absolutely nothing I tried made it right again. So today I started again. I wanted two lots of icing – white chocolate for the middle layer and for piping, and normal chocolate for the top and sides. It all went fine. It just took so long. I don’t know if I am just spectacularly crap at doing things like that, or if my concentration is bad enough at the moment that I went off into my own thoughts for long periods at a time, but from starting to make the icing, to the cake being totally finished took three hours, which is pretty ridiculous quite frankly – I wasn’t attempting anything terribly complicated, and I did absolutely nothing in that time apart from that. Wondering if maybe some dissociating was going on, as three hours is just an absurd length of time for it to have taken when I look back at it. Due to my lack of imagination the cake looks remarkably similar to the cake I made for Mother’s Day last year. Here are cake pictures since I have nothing interesting to say;

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>(Mis)Trust

>I wrote the buttercream off as a disaster. I have no idea what went wrong. Who would have thought it was possible to mess up mixing butter and sugar? The number of times I have made buttercream too. It really isn’t hard. I suppose I will have to try again tomorrow, because at the moment my mum still doesn’t have a birthday cake. I feel sorry for her – she had a bad birthday. I think she had a really tough day at work with her boss dying this morning so unexpectedly – all of the staff were really upset, and so she was quite emotional all day at work I think, and then had to come home and only have an hour at home before taking me off to ballet and rehearsal. She went to see my brother whilst I was in ballet, and then we had a little bit of time between ballet and rehearsal so we got take away pizzas from a nice bar in town, and then she went to see a friend whilst I was rehearsing, so I guess she had an ok evening, but I think overall it can’t have been a very nice day. I will try again with icing the cake tomorrow. I want to make it look really pretty but I can’t quite decide how. I am a bit rubbish at doing anything other than basic icing. I made quite a pretty cake for Mother’s Day last year, but I would have liked to do something a bit different decoration wise, but I either lack the imagination or the skill to pull off anything much more creative. Whilst I am on the subject of food, the last few days my weight has started to go back up and I am really struggling with it. It was going down, and that was literally the only thing that I felt was going right in my life. Now it is going back up, which is making me feel even more hopeless, and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t adding to the suicidal thoughts, which were certainly strong enough without dealing with weight gain as well.

Well I got through ballet and rehearsal. It was an enormous relief to get home and know that I don’t have to go anywhere tomorrow – that there is absolutely no need to leave my house for anything. Rehearsal was difficult yet again. I feel like I am completely useless and they cast the wrong person in the part, and like by now they will have realised that and be regretting their decision. The girl who is playing the second female part has a stunning voice – vocally she is definitely stronger than I am, and I hear people talking about how good she is, and I am sure they are thinking that she should have been cast in my part. When I hear her sing I think she should have been cast in my part. I also had to have the publicity shots taken tonight, which weren’t terribly attractive I don’t think, but I kind of don’t give a shit at the moment. What was more difficult was talking with someone about the show etc as part of the publicity. They asked the easy questions I could answer, like where I live and how old I am, where I went to school, what other companies I have worked with etc. Then came the ‘What do you do?’ question. I do nothing. I said something along those lines. She said so are you still studying or anything? No…. I do nothing. How do you say that without sounding like a complete idiot? And then she followed that up by asking if I had been to drama school or university. No, I haven’t done that either. I actually am 24, not studying, not working, and haven’t done anything since the age of 19. Not that I said all of that of course. Then it was why did you want to audition for the show, and what attracted you to this part, which were easy enough to answer, followed by how are you finding it – are you enjoying it? Mmm. Enjoying. That doesn’t seem to be the word that has been springing to mind lately when I have thought about rehearsals. Dreading? Yup, that will be the one. That doesn’t sound so good in an interview though, so I switched it for enjoying. White lies don’t hurt anyone right? So that felt quite difficult, because it just reminded me of everything I should have achieved and haven’t, and the things I should be feeling about the show and am not. And then I always hate having my photo taken. Oh, and finally, to add insult to injury the costume woman was there to take measurements. Perfect! That cheered me up no end.

I wrote yesterday how I have found I am cutting myself off from people online a lot – usually I spend most of my day online, and am always logged into Twitter, MSN, Facebook chat, Skype, and usually have several conversations on the go. Lately I have been appearing offline on MSN a fair bit, not signing into Skype, not signing into Facebook chat, and watching Twitter but rarely engaging with anyone. I think I am just terrified of the same thing happening with the people I trust online as it did with the people I trust in real life. I am also generally ignoring texts, and most people know better than to phone me anyway. I can’t cope with feeling let down or abandoned by any more people. I am scared that somehow people from the internet will be taken over too, despite knowing that makes no sense, as I don’t believe that my mum or GP etc were taken over by some form of mind control and had thoughts beamed into their heads or anything like that. I believe that the crisis team and the CMHT manager (who is probably influenced by my psych, as I feel like she is involved, despite my not seeing her since June – perhaps because of my not seeing her since June) managed to persuade L, and my GP in particular, of things that they hadn’t previously believed or thought, and my GP to the extent that she did a complete 180, and went from trying to get me more support from them last Wednesday, to telling my mum they couldn’t do anything because I have BPD etc on Friday, and persuading my mum of the same thing. So I know logically that unless someone from online speaks to someone from my treatment team, which is not going to happen, they can’t be taken over. But that doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid that they just might. Or that the crisis team and psych and everyone else are right and I am just an attention seeking, manipulative borderline who doesn’t deserve any help, and people will start to see through me if I talk to them. I feel incredibly alone. I really, really feel like I need some professional support at the moment, but I have exhausted that, and now there is nowhere to turn to, and it is still a whole week before I am due to see L, who at the moment I don’t even trust. I just feel so isolated and I don’t know what I can possibly do.

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>Useless

>I am spectacularly useless. I fucked up making buttercream. How can you fuck up mixing butter and icing sugar?? I have no idea, but I did. It has curdled. I have made buttercream enough bloody times with no problems. I think maybe the buttercream sensed my negative energy and got upset. Is that possible? Horses can tell when you are tense, maybe buttercream can too.

My mum’s boss died this morning. That’s sad. He was due to retire in the summer too. He wasn’t even very old. Whenever I hear about someone dying I wish I could swap places with them so that they could keep living. It seems unfair that they should die when they want to live. I don’t think my mum will have had a very good birthday.

I got a message today from the person doing publicity for the show saying she needed to talk to me and the male lead tonight at rehearsal, and take some photos, as she has to get a press release out by Wednesday. This is a not good thing. For a start it scares me because it makes it all seem too real. Secondly, I don’t want my bloody picture taken tonight. I have to go straight from ballet to rehearsal on a Monday, and so invariably look a complete bloody mess. And yes, I am vain enough that I am bothered by that. I don’t remember the last time I had the energy to put on make up or do my hair, and now I kind of have to or there will be pictures of me in the paper looking like complete shit with black rings under my eyes and little piggy eyes from tiredness and just hideous. Not that make up can redeem that, but it is good at improving things slightly. I just want to stay home and hide.

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>Isolating

>Today has been yet another difficult day. I am finding I am wanting to cut myself off from people – I think that not trusting the professionals or my parents is making me suspicious of everyone, even the people I talk to online, who I know are always supportive of me. So I haven’t spent much time online today. I came online earlier and tried to read a few blogs, and I sat and watched Twitter for a while, but couldn’t say anything. Everything feels very overwhelming. I seem to be spending more and more time staring into space and not being able to do anything, because even the internet is starting to feel like too much, and I found that ok until the last couple of days, as it didn’t make any noise and didn’t involve any concentration. But now I find it gives me a headache. I am absolutely dreading rehearsal later. I am terrified. I am scared of leaving the house. I am scared of being around people. I am scared of having to interact and pretend to be ok. At rehearsal last Wednesday I was told by about five people that I looked ill or pale and was I ok. Since I had missed the Monday rehearsal by saying I had a stomach bug, I told them I still wasn’t feeling too great. I can’t do that again tomorrow, but when I am feeling this bad my ability to pretend to be fine seems to leave me. I can do it all of the time, and not being able to is really a sign of things being rock bottom for me. I have to go to ballet too, and the same applies, although at least there is less time for socialising there, and I can get by better on auto pilot there, as I know the syllabus so well. Ok, I may not be dancing it as well as I could, but I can get by without drawing too much attention to myself. When I am at rehearsal and learning choreography or singing a song I don’t know particularly well, or being told my blocking for a scene, I have to concentrate more, and I can’t concentrate at the moment. I am finding it a lot of pressure at the moment.

Plus it is my mum’s birthday. Since I never know what date it is, I didn’t realise how soon her birthday was until the middle of last week, so I haven’t got her much in the way of a present. I feel like a shit daughter. I made a cake today, although I cheated and used a packet mix, as they always turn out so perfect, and later I need to make icing and decorate it. We won’t have long at home – we only have about 45 minutes on a Monday between her getting home from work, and having to leave for ballet. I had planned to have the cake all done for then and give her the little present I do have for her and her card, but she said tonight that my sister is coming over. This is my sister who hasn’t spoken to me since October and does a bloody good job at ignoring me completely if she is unfortunate enough to see me somewhere, for example when we were both singing soprano in the same carol concert at Christmas and therefore saw each other at rehearsal every week. I made effort with her, and none of it was reciprocated, so I have had enough of her – I have no desire to have anything to do with her, and I am pissed off that she is coming over in the only time we have at home tomorrow. I can’t face seeing her when I am feeling this shit, as even when we were speaking she always seemed to go out of her way to make me feel like crap, so I will just have to stay upstairs whilst she is here and not give my mum her present or card or cake. I love my mum, despite what they have done to her in turning her against me. I just need to remember there is no point in speaking to her about my feelings as she has been indoctrinated by them.

I can’t wait for today or tomorrow or whatever it is to be over. I am confused about days and times. Since it is 4:45 in the morning it is technically tomorrow, but since I haven’t slept yet I am still thinking of it as Sunday. Just need to try and get through the day the best that I can, however much I don’t want to. I wish so much I didn’t have rehearsal and could stay home though. I really am panicking about that. I wish I was feeling better. If anything it still seems to be getting worse, and a week ago I would have said that was impossible. But things just seem to be harder and harder. I really want to die. The thought that they expect me to cope for over a week more by myself before I see anyone is laughable.

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>I am not feeling good. I had gained weight today, as predicted. And as predicted, it made me feel terrible. I tried not to eat too much today. I did have quite a big dinner, but I didn’t eat anything else, apart from a few sweets that my friend brought over. I ate too much to have lost any weight, but I am just hoping I won’t have gained either, although I am feeling quite full and heavy at the moment, so I may have. I will go and weigh myself in a little while and see what is going on.

I didn’t really do much today. My friend arrived about half 12, and we watched the Oklahoma DVD with Hugh Jackman (so sexy!) and just chatted. And then she stayed for dinner, and then left at about 8. I then watched the X Factor results (boring) and Downton Abbey. I love Downton Abbey. Period dramas are great. I got annoyed because my mum made a cake, but it was a fruit cake and I don’t even like fruit cakes. And I don’t even know who will eat the bloody fruit cake – originally she had said she wanted to make a chocolate cake, as she got a recipe for a good one from my old next door neighbour, and said she would make a fruit cake as well because my dad likes fruit cake. I said having 2 cakes at once seemed pretty excessive, and also somewhat strange since the last cake she made was in July, and that I didn’t want to end up eating most of the chocolate cake myself, as she would also be eating the fruit cake. So she just made a fruit cake, but my dad isn’t even that keen on cake – fruit cake is his favourite, but he can take or leave cake really, so he won’t eat much of it, I won’t eat any of it as I refuse to eat fruit cake on principle (it doesn’t have icing, and is therefore an inferior cake, and although I don’t dislike it, it feels like a big waste of calories eating something I am not bothered about), and so that pretty much just leaves my mum. And she prefers chocolate cake really. I don’t know why she didn’t just make the chocolate cake. So I was pissed off about the lack of cake, despite me saying it was a silly idea to make 2, as I didn’t want to eat an entire chocolate cake. I am so awkward really. It is probably for the best really, or I would have had a piece every day until it went, and that wouldn’t have done my weight loss plans any favours, and I would also have purged it sometimes, as I tend to do that. But I still would have liked a piece of cake. Or a cupcake. Just not stupid fruit cake. I could of course make one myself, but then we would have the 2 cakes in the house situation that I wanted to avoid. I don’t need cake.

I think I have been struggling more again this week. I generally notice concentration first. My normal judge of concentration is my ability to read – when my concentration isn’t too bad, which is when my mood is better, I probably read a book in 2 or 3 days on average. I have been reading the same book for a week now, and it isn’t a particularly long book (shorter than my average book) and I am only half way through. There is a possibility that I just don’t like the book and so can’t be bothered to read it, but I have noticed other signs of my mood slipping – increased obsessiveness with my weight (that happens in the period between doing slightly better, when I do focus on my weight, but not to this extent, and feeling too terrible to give a shit about what I weigh, which is when there is probably genuine cause for concern about my safety), a genuine decrease in hunger (although I continue to stuff myself most days, but normally end up feeling sick as I wasn’t hungry in the first place), not bothering about what I look like at all and living in the same clothes every day, on the rare occasions I manage to get out of my pyjamas, increased suicidal thoughts, and a complete inability to cry, even when I am feeling really terrible or upset. I think that is all for now. I guess I will just have to keep an eye on things and see what happens. Although to be honest that is fairly pointless, as even if things plummeted to the point where I knew I was going to kill myself the following day, there wouldn’t really be a lot I could do about it. But it seems like a good idea to know if my mood is on the way down or up, and to what extent, even if I can’t do anything about it.

Tomorrow I am doing nothing during the day, then I have ballet at 5:45. Then at half 7 I am going to a sing through for a musical I am thinking about auditioning for. I haven’t actually decided for sure whether I am going to audition or not. There is another show on a month before I am also considering auditioning for. I couldn’t be in both, but I am not sure which I would rather do. I prefer the company doing one, and I prefer the show being done by the other. Both are good shows actually, but the female ensemble have more to do, and there are more female parts, hence me saying I prefer it. If I audition for one of them I will probably audition for both – the auditions are only a few days apart, and then I could decide based on casting etc. But I am not sure if I want to commit to doing another show or not. Partly because it feels too soon – Carousel has only just finished, and although auditions aren’t for a couple more weeks, and therefore rehearsals probably wouldn’t start for a month, it feels quite soon. But partly because I don’t know if I want to commit myself to anything else at the moment. To an extent, committing myself to being in a show feels like committing myself to stay alive until that production has finished, and right now I don’t feel in a position to say that I will stay alive until March/April of next year. That is a long time away, and I am not feeling good at the moment. I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts currently, and I don’t want to feel tied to anything. On the other hand, maybe it is good for me to be rehearsing something, and to have a goal. Maybe it makes me feel better. And it doesn’t have to be as much of a commitment as I make it. People drop out of productions all the time. As long as you aren’t a lead it doesn’t matter too much – you are replaceable. Well, anyone is replaceable if they need to be, but the bigger the role the harder you are to replace. But if I was in the chorus for one of the shows, I wouldn’t have to see that as a commitment to staying alive for a long time – if I wasn’t able to do it in the end then it wouldn’t actually affect the production – they might just have to slightly alter a couple of big dance numbers – it wouldn’t be a big deal. A principal part would be another matter, but I very much doubt I would get a principal role in either show. I don’t know if I would feel able to commit to a principal part at the moment. Firstly because that really would feel like a commitment to staying alive until the production was over, partly because sometimes I just can’t cope with going to rehearsals when I am really struggling, and that is problematic if you are a lead, and partly because learning lots of lines is an issue when I am having problems with concentration and memory. There are probably more reasons too, but they are the ones that immediately spring to mind. Being a lead is a lot more pressure than being in the chorus. The old adage ‘There are no small parts, only small actors’ is bollocks in my opinion. Ok, there are some very important small roles, but basically, if you are in a small role, it is going to be far easier to replace you than it is the lead – that is just simple logistics. If someone has hundreds of lines and 3 solo songs and a dance number, then it is going to be far more difficult to recast their role 2 weeks before the show opens than it is someone who has a cameo part with 10 lines and sings in the chorus of 2 songs. Of course I understand the sentiment of it, and I realise I am taking it somewhat out of context here, but for me a lead role is a far bigger commitment than a small part would be, and actually is more important – you can’t do the show without the lead, but is anyone really going to miss that person in the 3rd row of the chorus? Unlikely. I have gone off on a tangent again. I was saying something. Oh yes. So I don’t know whether to audition or not at the moment, because I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I will see how I feel next week when the auditions come round. I may audition and then decide. And I only have to see it as a commitment to life if I get cast in a lead role. I might not audition for a lead role. That goes against everything my actor-ey instincts tell me to do, but I couldn’t honestly take on a part now for a show in March or April and know that I would be alive to do it.

I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts at the moment. They are quite strong, although currently not at an out of control level. What is difficult is my brain keeps going into planning mode and then getting stuck. I have certain rules around suicide. I would never do it say in the lead up to Christmas, or over Christmas, or on, or in the days before, somebody’s birthday, or other significant dates. I think suicides are hard enough for the people left behind to deal with, without the anniversary of it popping up at a time when they are supposed to be happy, like at Christmas or a Birthday. So that is the first rule. The second rule is not to do it if something particularly difficult has just happened, for example I was very suicidal, and had just made an attempt, 2 years ago, and then my grandmother died, and although my suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong, I knew it wouldn’t be fair to make my mother lose her mother and her daughter within the space of a week. That would have just felt wrong. However desperate I was feeling I couldn’t have done that to her. The final rule is that I can’t do it if I am committed to something, so for example in the month leading up to Carousel I couldn’t have, however bad I felt, as I would have been letting so many people down. Prior to that it would have been acceptable, as I could have been replaced, but when there was only a few weeks to go I couldn’t. So basically those are the rules. The other thing with suicide, is I like to know when it is an option. For example, when I am having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel able to fight them a little longer, a tactic I use to do that is to say that if I am still feeling the same by X (say 2 weeks ahead for example) then I can act on them, and that is ok. It is just something I use to help me cope with them. Sometimes things have improved a little by X, sometimes they haven’t really but I manage to find something else to keep going for, or have received more support, which has helped me to keep going etc. It doesn’t always work – if I reach absolute breaking point then X goes out the window, so I would never promise to anyone, including myself, that I would be alive until X, but I do try to stick to it, and it is an aim at least. At the moment, although the thoughts aren’t out of control, they have reached a point where I feel a need to plan when I would be able to kill myself if I needed to. And that is proving difficult. I usually try to set my first target for at least 2 weeks ahead, as that seems reasonable, and weekends are a no go because of people being around, which would make the first possible day I could kill myself November 15th. However, that is then less than 3 weeks before the concert I am doing, and so starting to encroach on the commitment rule. But the concert is in December, and so if I said that suicide wasn’t an option until after that, it would be messing with the special occasion rule. Which therefore means it would basically mean being alive until January. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel really desperate and scared, and makes me want to kill myself now. Really quite badly. January is 2 months away – I can’t say now that I can live for 2 whole months longer. It really scares me a lot. To the point that I am now thinking I need to kill myself now, within the next couple of weeks, to avoid that. I don’t want to be alive for 2 months more. I don’t want to be alive for 2 days more – committing to a further 2 months terrifies me. I could kill myself now. I don’t mean right now, I mean at some point in the next couple of weeks. 3 weeks maximum. After that it is too close to the concert, and then Christmas. I hate Christmas. And I hate New Year even more. The thought of being alive for New Year is hideous. It makes me want to kill myself right now. I am not going to, but I want to. So I am feeling really confused. I do feel suicidal, and I do want to die, but I feel like I could hold off on acting on it for a couple of weeks, but saying I won’t act on it for 2 months feels impossible, and not acting on it within the next 3 weeks is saying that, and that just makes me feel so desperate and out of control and scared.

Writing is so strange. I started writing this 45 minutes ago, and I had no idea what I was going to write. I just started writing because I felt in the mood to write, but I had no idea what, apart from the little weight rant and what I did today stuff. Then when I start writing everything just seems to pour out of me, and I start talking about things I didn’t even know I was thinking about some of the time. Strange.

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>Bit hyper

>Hmph. I have way more energy than is appropriate for 1AM. Not sure what to do with myself. I have to be quiet because my parents are in bed but I don’t feel like being quiet. My mum has only just gone to bed. She told me off for being too noisy when my dad was in bed though. I was doing high kicks in her bedroom and then doing backstroke on her bed. Very quietly, but too noisily apparently. I got her to do a wheelbarrow race with me earlier. Well not a race because there was only 2 of us. Just a wheelbarrow walk really. We didn’t get far though. When I was the wheelbarrow we went slowly across the lounge but we did move, until I collapsed from laughing. She said we wouldn’t win any races, so I said she could have a go, and she couldn’t move at all, so that was even funnier. Therefore I won. My dad got back from Glastonbury very early this morning. Well, still last night to me because I hadn’t been to sleep yet. He bought a mouth organ when he was there. Very random. I had a go on it earlier. Mouth organs are good because even if you have never played one before you sound like you know what you are doing. I walked the dog with my mum this evening. Not very far – she takes him for his long walk in the morning and a shorter one in the evening. One of the cats came with us for the first 10 minutes, which was quite random. He just trotted along over the fields with us. Strange cat. Watched Murray’s Wimbledon match earlier. Am hoping he does well, particularly after the fiasco that was the football. That was so shit I don’t even want to think about it. Let’s focus on the tennis instead. I wish it wasn’t the middle of the night. I want to shout or something. I am a bit hyper this evening. Don’t know why. Have felt like complete shit all day. Still do. I didn’t go to ballet earlier. I couldn’t be bothered. Might self harm. I don’t like the combination of feeling shit and hyper at the same time because I never know what to do with myself. I would like to overdose really. Feels like a good idea at the moment. Feels like a good idea most of the time actually, but it is particularly appealing right now. But I can’t before the funeral really. It wouldn’t be fair on my parents. Although on the other hand maybe it wouldn’t make any difference to them when I did it. At least I wouldn’t have to be here for my birthday then. That would be good. Ho hum. I might go and make some cupcakes. I wonder if that would be too noisy. Probably. And I would only eat them and then feel shit about myself and gain weight. I feel like screaming. But that would definitely be too noisy.

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>Cake

>So it didn’t turn out perfectly, but it tasted delicious! I wanted to write ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ on it, but my writing with icing skills aren’t very developed, so I decided to stick with ‘Mummy’ on the basis that it was shorter…

After we had eaten some. You can see the white icing in the middle.

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