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Posts Tagged ‘acting’

>I am not feeling that great. Not desperately suicidal or anything. Just not good. I suppose that is a bit of a daft thing to say really as I never feel good. I don’t know how to explain it really. I suppose it is partly just the post show blues making me feel flat – I think that is something everyone experiences after performing. It fills so much of your life, particularly during the actual performance period, and the week or two leading up to that, and so it is bound to leave something of a void when it finishes. It is strange how slowly the last few weeks have gone – it is less than 3 weeks ago that my friend was here, and it feels like so much longer. Back then, just 2 weeks ago, I didn’t even want to go to rehearsals, and I wished I wasn’t doing the show at all. Then it took over for a couple of weeks, and whilst I would say I was happy to be going off out every night, and I didn’t always feel like it, I got on with it, and it was fine, and sometimes it was fun. And now I suppose I just have a gap. It has been quite a few years since I have done a big musical, which may be contributing to it I suppose – I didn’t perform at all, apart from some concerts and festivals, between 2006 and this year, so that was a 4 year gap, which is really quite a long time. I was still dancing, and I did some teaching in that time, and some directing and choreographing etc, but I didn’t actually perform myself, and the last musical I did before Carousel was Les Miserables back in 2005. I actually hadn’t realised quite how big a gap there had been – I knew I hadn’t been performing for a while, but it is only now I have opened up my CV and am actually looking at dates that I have realised just how long. Then in 2006 I did open air Shakespeare, and a very small part in a play, and then absolutely nothing bar concerts/festivals, and extra work in one film in 2007 (which I don’t count as acting as you just stand about and move when you are told to) until the one act play I did earlier this year, then The Tempest, and then Carousel. It is strange – between 1998 and 2003 I did 2 musicals every year, and sometimes a play or pantomime too, and then usually a couple of concerts as part of a choir as well, and various other things, and after that I started doing less and less, until I stopped completely in 2006. I know that is no coinidence – 2005 is when I first tried to kill myself, and also when I moved away to university and was hospitalised etc, and although I did a couple of things in 2006 when I was back home, I know things had changed. They had started to change before that actually – I did my first summer course at a big Drama School in 2002, when I was 16, and I came home pissed off that I was starting A levels rather than a performing course, and unhappy with the quality of the productions I had been doing, and just wanting more. I also had my first audition for a West End production that year, which despite being dreadful, made me want to perform even more, and therefore made me even more frustrated with college etc. Then 2003 was when everything seemed to go wrong and I was first diagnosed with Depression, and given anti depressants, and an Eating Disorder, and referred to the CMHT. And I suppose I just started performing less and less as I just didn’t have the motivation or energy, and I found being around people too difficult. I kept up with dance classes virtually the whole time, and I carried on with singing lessons until about 18 months ago, when a) my singing teacher moved away, and b) I was having severe problems with my voice, and I did some acting classes for a while, and some summer courses etc, but there were absolutely no productions after the summer of 2006, until the spring of this year.

Then this year I decided to force myself to do things, even if I didn’t feel like it. I knew that performing was still the only thing I ever cared about, despite not caring the majority of the time. So I got involved in the 1 act play. I can honestly say I regretted that about 99% of the time. There wasn’t a single rehearsal or performance I wanted to go to, I couldn’t be bothered with it, I didn’t care about it, I didn’t enjoy myself. Then it was on to the Shakespeare. That was better. I still didn’t want to be doing it most of the time, but there were some points that I was enjoying it. Shakespeare wrote so beautifully that it is hard not to get into it – when something is that well written you have to put everything you can into it (as of course you should with everything, but some thing just demand it). So although I never felt like going to the rehearsals or learning my lines, there were times when I was pleased to be doing it. And then Carousel. That has been a bit of a mixed one. I would be lying if I said I haven’t enjoyed it some of the time. I still felt a real lack of motivation towards going to rehearsals, but they generally improved when I got there, although not always. I liked working with a good choreographer. I liked doing the pas de deux (bar the somewhat scary Saturday performances, and of course hurting my back!). It was a little difficult only being in the second half of Act 2, as that meant I didn’t go to many rehearsals, and so really didn’t get to know the cast very well at all, apart from those I was in scenes with, until the couple of weeks before the show week, but when I did get to know them they were a really lovely bunch. I got to know the other principal females particularly well during the week of the show when we were sharing a dressing room, and that was great – they were good fun. So there were lots of positives. On the other hand, there were also days when the thought of going out to a rehearsal had me in tears, as it just felt too much, and a couple of rehearsals that I didn’t go to because it was just more than I could face. 3 weeks ago I would have said I would be massively relieved when it was over. But it really did improve a lot during the week before the show, and the week of the show itself. I wasn’t happy, and I wasn’t hyper and excitable like I used to be during shows, and like other people were. I felt quite flat and numb. I didn’t get at all nervous, which actually isn’t a good sign, as you need a bit of adrenaline to give a good performance I find. But it was the most positive performing experience I have had this year. Maybe because it was a musical, and really that is what I am most passionate about, or maybe because of having such a great cast, particularly in my dressing room. I don’t know. I still didn’t have the spark I want, but I didn’t spend my whole time wishing I was at home, and that has to be a good thing right? Goodness, this was such a tangent. I can’t even remember what my point was….

Right, yes. So when you are doing a show, it kind of takes over you life, and when it finished you are just left with this hole. I suppose it is particularly strong because I haven’t been doing anything else this week either – normally I would have been to ballet twice, but it has been half term so that hasn’t been on. So yes, I suppose I am partly just feeling a bit empty because of the show being over. Then I am struggling with my weight and food as usual. I ate far more today than I should have, and so feel terrible, and am really scared of what the scales will say tomorrow, but not weighing is not an option. Then there is normal depression stuff. I am doing better than I was a few weeks ago I think – I have read a few books over the last couple of weeks, which is usually at least a vague indicator for me, as when things are really dreadful I can’t read. But I just feel kind of on edge. I am still having lots of suicidal thoughts, but I am not in that numb, unable to move type depression. I feel a bit impulsive I suppose, which kind of scares me, because in some ways it feels more unsafe, but I don’t think I am at risk of acting on the suicidal thoughts at the moment, even in an impulsive mood. I have been getting a lot of urges to self harm though. They are often strong when I am really frustrated with my weight and body. I wish I could just cut big slices of fat off. Off my thighs. I keep getting these pictures flashing into my head of just carving massive chunks of fat off my legs. I won’t attempt it – that isn’t my style, but I would like to. I really need to find a way of getting in control of my weight and what I am eating, because at the moment it is just making me feel terrible about myself. I need to lose weight. I can’t even express how important that feels at the moment, and yet how impossible.

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>Catch up

>It feels like so long since I have written anything! That is mostly because my laptop charger decided to break – there were little wires poking out, so I decided that fiddling around with it trying to make it work probably wasn’t the best idea, although I did give it a little go. So that was on Saturday night that it stopped working completely, and then the only other working computer we have in the house is my Dad’s laptop, which he was using most of yesterday, so I didn’t get much time on the computer until today. I have ordered a new charger for my laptop, but I am guessing it won’t be here until the end of the week, so I will be laptopless for a few days more unfortunately.

The shows went well Saturday. Well, mostly anyway. My back and hips were hurting, but I got quite used to that really. There was something I wasn’t at all happy about on Saturday – someone came into our dressing room during Act 1 of the matinee and told me that my pas de deux partner had been drinking. I was pretty pissed off – for a start you aren’t allowed alcohol backstage full stop, secondly it is incredibly unprofessional, but also it is really quite dangerous – I didn’t want to do lifts with someone who had been drinking. He apparently thought it was all fine because he felt in control but I felt like that was pretty irrelevant – alcohol throws your balance off, and even if you do feel in control sometimes you aren’t. Several people spoke to him, and he promised them he wouldn’t have any more. The matinee went ok – I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but he did seem ok. Then the evening show came round and the second he walked on stage I could see he had been drinking more. There was fuck all I could do about it, so I just had to get on with it and hope for the best. It wasn’t that great – he wasn’t really drunk or anything, but he had definitely had enough that it was having an impact on his balance, and it didn’t feel right, and the choreographer could see it wasn’t right – the audience probably couldn’t have because they hadn’t seen it before, but the fish dive was actually quite scary – I ended up at such an angle I didn’t think he was going to be able to get me back up. So yes, I was pretty pissed off about that, and I really don’t know what he was thinking. All through rehearsals and the other performances he had been great – I felt really safe with him and we got on well, and I just have absolutely no idea what made him drink on Saturday. If he had stopped during the interval of the matinee like he told people he would once they had pointed out how dangerous it was to drink before going on stage and partnering someone then I wouldn’t have been so angry, but it was so clear that he had carried on drinking after that, and that really pissed me off. Anyway, apart from that it was all fine. Between the shows some of us ordered in pizza, and people just hung out, but there wasn’t that long really. I had lots of cards and things from other cast members – in fact I had a card and little present of some type from my stage mother every night! But got various other little presents and cards on Saturday, and 12 beautiful yellow roses from my stage father. My parents also got me some flowers and a card, as they had forgotten to get me a card at the start of the run, but I can’t remember what those flowers were. I am not good at flowers. I know roses and tulips and that is more or less it. They may have been Gladioli?? I don’t know. My mum did tell me but they are pretty flowers – I don’t need to know the name.

I went to the aftershow party. I wasn’t sure what to do, but in the end someone who lives not too far away from me gave me a lift home, so I was able to stay for a couple of hours, so that was nice. It feels quite weird it is over. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself tonight, as I should have been at ballet and then rehearsal, but it is half term, and the show is over. My body definitely needs a rest though. My back is still really quite painful, and so really needs a break, then my hips are still incredibly tight and sore. My cold and sore throat seem to be going, but I have at least 7 mouth ulcers which are very painful. I have had at least 3 constantly for the last couple of weeks, but now I just have so many of them, and some of them are really horrible. So I think I am quite run down. I have absolutely no plans for the week at all apart from seeing L tomorrow morning. The rest of the week is totally free. I think T wants to do something one day or evening, but I don’t know what or when. There are a couple of limbering classes at my dance school, but I am not going to go, although I feel like I should, because I think my body really just needs a break. I am not very good at listening to my body when it tells me to stop – I just make it keep going, like with my back and the show, but I think it is screaming as loudly as it can and I should probably take notice. So probably lots of watching bad TV and sleeping. Lots of sleep would be good. I am sleeping really badly, because I keep waking up from the pain of my mouth ulcers. I have been putting stuff on them, but it just kind of wears off and I end up waking up with them really hurting.

Mood wise I have been a bit all over the place really. Last week was quite strange, as I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts that I knew I couldn’t act on, and feeling very flat even when I was on stage, but then some of the time I was having fun too. It was a really lovely cast, and the girls in my dressing room were very funny, and so there was a lot of laughter etc, but then there were these underlying thoughts about suicide all the time. And of course my weight. I am not at all happy with my weight at the moment, and I was very conscious of it last week, particularly because one of my dresses was very tight – it fitted but it couldn’t have been any smaller at all. And I just can’t help comparing myself to other people. I know my body perception must be a bit wrong from the way I perceive myself in relation to other people, as if I find out their actual weight or measurements etc they are always bigger than I expect, as I base my expectations on how I think they look compared to me – for example the girl playing my stage mum I thought was much smaller than me, but actually she weighed a few pounds more and was an inch shorter, so I know that logically she can’t be that much smaller than me. Maybe a bit, because she is a lot more muscular than I am, but she can’t be as much smaller as I see her as being. I really do need to lose weight though. I have been saying that for so long now, but it really has to happen. Not to a stupidly low weight – just a weight that I can be more comfortable at. I know it won’t magically solve everything and make me happy, but it will at least give me one less thing to hate myself for.

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>Yet more career talk…

>Firstly, thank you to everyone who has replied to my last couple of posts. I really appreciate all of the input, and I am particularly grateful to those people who have come out of hiding to do so! It is funny, because even though I know my blog gets more hits a day then I get comments, I kind of just think of the people who comment, and other who I know read it as being my readers – it is funny that there are people out there I have never spoken to who read what is going on in my life. But I do really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. I normally reply to comments within comments, but there are lots, and lots with a similar message, so I thought I would just write another post.

I agree with everyone who said that going from nothing to 50+ hours a week is probably not that sensible, and that I would need to find some way of gradually increasing what I do. This is more difficult than it sounds though. I am already involved in about all I can be performing related at a local level – I have always done dance classes as you all probably know, and then this year I have got back into being in productions as well – I have Carousel in a week, and I did a 1 act play in May, then The Tempest in August, and now Carousel, and then the concert I have talked about in December. I do have a lot of free time, but it is all during the day – my evenings are actually very busy, and that is when all non professional performing things (classes, rehearsals etc) tend to take place. There is an extra ballet class I could do during the day if I had transport, but that is literally about it. So I am already involved in pretty much everything I can be locally in terms of performing. So basically that isn’t really an option as a stepping stone to drama school. There is also a bit of an issue going on with it. Like I said, I have done 3 productions this year now, but I haven’t enjoyed any of them. I auditioned for all of them despite not feeling enthusiastic at the time, as I hoped that once rehearsals started and I got into it I would get my enthusiasm back. But it didn’t work. I was planning to audition for another show once Carousel is over (either Crazy For You or Beauty and the Beast if anyone is interested!) but I don’t know whether I should or not. I keep just thinking that surely something will have to click and I will end up enjoying it, but this year every rehearsal has felt like a chore rather than something to enjoy – I don’t think there has been a single time when I have looked forward to going. And that a) makes me wonder if there is any point auditioning for another show whilst I am feeling so bad, and b) makes me wonder if it is totally ridiculous even considering applying for drama school. I just have no enthusiasm or passion at all. Occasionally it flares up, like when I see a show and it is really amazing and I leave almost hurting because I want to do that so much, or sometimes when I am listening to a show recording or watching a video on youtube or something. But most of the time I just feel flat. And if I can’t get interested in performing, then why am I trying to do more? Maybe I should just leave it until I start feeling like I want to do it again. Or maybe I should keep going, because at least it gets me out of the house and doing something. I don’t know.

There are other things I could do locally that aren’t performing – I have taught Speech and Drama in a school before, and could do so again, and I have also choreographed and been assistant director for another school’s musical, so I have experience, and could probably find something if I wanted to. But again, there is just a complete lack of enthusiasm. When I was doing the teaching I dreaded going in. I didn’t enjoy doing it. I was constantly told how good I was at it, but I didn’t like doing it 99% of the time. I think partly because children just aren’t my thing, partly because I don’t really have any interest in teaching, partly because I felt so awful and low and couldn’t focus properly, and partly because I didn’t like having to get up and go out and be around people. I could do it again, in fact it would probably be greatly appreciated, but I just don’t think I can make myself do it. I used to come home feeling so awful – it makes my mood worse doing something when I don’t feel up to it, plus I don’t sleep well enough to be able to get up in the morning, and then the days were too long so I was constantly exhausted. It just felt like too much. It was only a couple of days a week, but even that just felt too much. I suppose if I had been doing something I loved it might have been different, but I don’t know if I do love anything at the moment. The choreographing/ADing was better – partly because it was just a couple of hours a week, and in the afternoon, so less stressful and less tiring, and partly because the children were older, and I prefer working with older children. But doing that again isn’t really an option due to a) a change of staff at the school where I did it, and b) them choosing to do shit productions since then that I would have had no desire whatsoever to get involved in.

JaneB suggested other types of performing, ie not professional musical theatre/acting, which is a perfectly valid suggestion, but to be honest this isn’t really something I am interested in. I don’t like performing because I like standing up in front of people and talking – it is really theatre that means a lot to me. I obviously wouldn’t turn down film or TV work if offered (I would have to be crazy to, as the money is always tonnes more, even for an advert or something, and you take what you are offered in acting), but it is theatre that I am really passionate about, and musical theatre in particular. Doing something like tour guide work just would not appeal to me, and theatre in education is most actors’ worst nightmare! I do have experience of something in this field, ie something that could be considered performing, but isn’t theatre or anything – I was a participant at a well known re-enactment place one summer, and it was ok – some days I quite liked it, other days I just wanted to get out of there, but there is no way I would ever want to do something like that as a job – it just isn’t the type of thing that appeals to me.

As an actor I am fairly conventional I suppose – I have friends who have done Community Theatre, or more experimental types of theatre etc, but that has never appealed to me. I like being given a script and working with a good director etc. If there are songs and dances then so much the better, but I do love straight plays too. But devising and experimental theatre just is not my thing. I obviously want to have creative input into a production, but not in terms of devising the concept or writing the script. And I suppose that is essentially why I need to go to drama school – because the particular career path that interests me is pretty much a closed shop, and without drama school I can’t access it. But I need to be well enough for drama school, and I don’t think I am at the moment. But doing something else in theatre that wasn’t performing would just be too painful for me – working backstage or in production would just constantly make me wish I was the one on stage, and it would just be too close. I think it would be better to do something completely unrelated than try to be involved in the theatre in another way – that would just hurt too much. I would spend every day feeling like I had failed, and being close to it would just be like rubbing my face in it.

What I don’t know, is how I can take steps to get to the point where I am able to cope with moving out and going to drama school. I know the treatment I think would be most likely to help me, and have for some time, but it isn’t an option, and I feel like I have tried everything else. So I don’t know how to get better mental health wise. And in terms of taking steps activity/work wise, it is difficult. As I said, I am doing all the performing I can locally already. Getting a job feels like more than I can cope with at the moment. I feel stuck. I feel like to be able to even start taking the steps I would need to in order to build up to being ready for drama school, my mental health would need to be better – I would need to be able to get through a few hours without thinking about suicide, and feel less overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, and more able to leave the house. To not have weeks at a time where I would just feel too overwhelmed to go to work or whatever. But I don’t know how I can reach that point. I wish I could get appropriate treatment, but it isn’t available. And as great as I think L is, she is a CPN, not a miracle worker. She supports me enormously, and helps keep me alive at times, but she can’t cure me or change how I feel or think. I just cannot see my life ever changing, and that makes me even more depressed. I don’t want to be stuck living at home or in supported housing in 10 years time, or 5 years time, or even 2 years time. If I am alive, I want to live – not be in this weird limbo that I am in now. But I just can’t do it. It all feels too much and overwhelms me.

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>Slow brain

>I am feeling really bloody shit. There is no other way of saying it really. Today has been crap. Woke up tired, yet again, after not being able to sleep last night, yet again. Weighed myself and had gained half a pound, so felt even more crap about myself. Debated calling the CMHT but didn’t know what to say, since there is really only 1 person I would feel able to talk to, and didn’t think I could call and ask who was on duty and then hang up if it was someone I didn’t want to speak to. And I don’t know what I would have said even if it had been the person I would feel able to talk to, because I don’t even bloody know what is wrong – I just know that I feel shit and it seems to be getting worse, and I am having suicidal thoughts, and that isn’t really a terribly constructive conversation, and there would be nothing she would have said that would have changed any of it. So I didn’t bother.

I had ballet tonight. It was about the last thing I felt like doing, but going was easier than explaining to my mum why I didn’t want to go. I am finding everything so stressful. I wish I wasn’t doing Carousel. There is a stupid bloody countdown thing on the website that I have to check, as it says when I am called for rehearsals, and it is flashing 3 weeks and 5 days to go, 11 rehearsals remaining. That is freaking me out big time. I haven’t learnt my lines, and whilst that would normally be a quick job, I have absolutely no concentration, and therefore have no idea how I am going to learn my lines, and it was books down this week – I was only saved by the fact that I had no rehearsals this week apart from a dance rehearsal, as they were doing Act 1 and I am only in Act 2. But next week is Act 2 time, and I don’t know my lines. The big dance is also so far from being ready, and I am worried about getting some of the lifts etc perfected in time. I am generally just feeling stressed by it.

Tomorrow should have been a nice, quiet, stress free day, where I could stay in my PJs and do nothing. I had forgotten that Thursdays is the day I have to look after 5 year old nephew when he finishes school however. I got really anxious and panicked earlier thinking about it. I hate the responsibility of looking after someone else, particularly a hyper, bouncy something like my nephew is, and it just feels completely and utterly overwhelming when I am finding it so difficult to even look after myself. I wish my old next door neighbour hadn’t moved – if she still lived there then she wouldn’t have minded looking after him for me, but there is nobody now. I have just started crying because I feel so stressed about it. It is stupid, because I know it will be fine, but I just don’t want to have to entertain a 5 year old and pretend to be fine and happy when I am feeling this bad.

I was really hoping I would have started feeling better by now, but every day seems to be harder than the one before. I really don’t know what to do. I have spent about 5 hours writing this, and not doing much else – that is the kind of speed that my brain is working on. I am really struggling to keep going, I just feel like I can’t cope anymore.

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>Catch up

>Just a quick post because I am tired and need to try and get some sleep.

Had first performance of The Tempest tonight – last night we were rained off and so rehearsed again instead, and that performance was rearranged for Friday, which had been a free night. Tonight went ok, or my scenes did anyway. I noticed a couple of people missing out some lines etc, but nothing the audience would have noticed. It did start raining towards the end of Act 3, and was raining quite a lot for Act 4, when I just have to sit on the stage doing nothing for ages, so that wasn’t too fun, but you have to expect that really with open air. I was absolutely bloody freezing the whole time. I was really cold before I even got on stage, and then I have to lay on the ground for a good 5 minutes sleeping a little way in, which made me even colder. When I got off stage after my first scene I went into the pub and sat in there to try and warm up a bit as I wasn’t on again until after the interval, and then during the interval I put on every item of clothing that I had with me (including 1 leg warmer and a pair of woolly warm up shorts, as I was using my dance bag and I had managed to leave those in there!), but it was so hideous taking it all off at the end of the interval to go back on stage for Act 3. And then Act 4 was the rainy scene so that made me even colder, and then after that I had to change costume into something even colder, and so I spent Act 5 with my teeth chattering. But it all went fine, and the audience seemed to enjoy it despite the weather!

My friend arrived earlier. It is lovely to see her, but I am really worried about her – she is so ill and she just can’t see it at all. When I hugged her when she arrived it was quite scary how thin she felt. She really should be in hospital. But it is good to see her. I have a singing lesson (first one for about 18 months, because of my voice problems) and a voice therapy appointment tomorrow, so she will wander around the shops with my mum whilst I am in my singing lesson, and then I will join then, and then we will go up to the hospital for the voice therapy. Bit nervous about the singing lesson because I haven’t sung properly for so long, and I know I will get really frustrated and tense if I sound shit, which will make me sound even more shit, but hopefully it won’t be too dreadful. My voice is hurting a bit at the moment – I think just from using it so much with rehearsing The Tempest all the time. Apart from that I don’t have anything on tomorrow – no Tempest, so it will be really nice to have an evening in. I am feeling really quite wiped out at the moment.

I need to sleep now, I am very tired. Sorry I have been neglecting blogs a bit lately – I got very behind on my blog reading/commenting. I have just been busy with all the Tempest stuff, and then when I have been at home (which has admittedly still been most of the time) I have felt too tired to do anything.

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>Rest of my day

>Well I dyed my hair, but didn’t look at my script – 1 out of 2 isn’t bad! I did manage to also dye my face and fingers a little bit though… I blame my mum for getting it all over my face, because she was helping me, and then in trying to get it off my face I got it on my fingers. Oops. Ah well. I managed to get most of it off. Normally if you wipe your face straight away it comes off fine, but this was stubborn – I was scrubbing away and it wasn’t really budging. I just look a bit dirty if you look too closely, but a bit of foundation will cover it up!

Rehearsal tonight was slightly better. Well all my bits were fine anyway – some others were still awful, but there is nothing I can do about that. I just need to give the best performance that I can. If the old adage about bad dress rehearsal, good first night is true, then this is going to be the best bloody production of The Tempest ever!

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>Pyjama Day Number 2

>I have had another pyjama day today. I was supposed to be going to a rehearsal tonight but I have been a bit naughty and pulled a sickie. They are doing 2 scenes tonight, and I am not in one of them, and only have 2 lines in the other, and just stand there the rest of the time. I know it is bad and unprofessional and I should have gone, but I am just not in the mood, and there is nothing about that scene that I need to rehearse, and it won’t really affect anyone else too badly not being there, and I just feel a bit crap generally, so I decided not to go. Last night’s rehearsal was a bit crap. There is a scene that T and I have (3.1 if anyone knows The Tempest particularly well!) and it was just a complete bloody mess. We did it on Monday and it wasn’t too bad – not great but not a disaster, and then last night it was just terrible. He is supposed to be carrying logs from one side of the stage to the other for most of the scene basically, but there are lines where it is really important that he has a log, as I have a line ‘Pray, give me that: I’ll carry it to the pile’, which I obviously can’t say if he isn’t carrying one, and he wasn’t – he was in the wrong part of the stage, and he seemed to have forgotten nearly all his lines, and I was just getting more and more tense and frustrated. He is inexperienced, and he has never done any Shakespeare before, but I am just getting a bit worried since we have less than a week to go.

I am not going to be able to see L this week – she didn’t have any free space, which is a bit crap because I feel like there’s not been that much continuity lately for various reasons, but it wasn’t her fault she was ill Tuesday. She said she will make sure we have an hour and a half next Tuesday.

Feeling really crappy about my body as usual. It hasn’t helped that I have been watching lots of episodes of America/Australia/Britain’s Next Top Model on YouTube, and obviously they are all really thin, which makes me really jealous and even more determined to lose weight. I am kind of freaking out about my weight, because summer is the time for losing weight – when I lost weight it is nearly always in the summer, and yet we are half way through the summer and I am still bloody enormous. I am probably also particularly stressed about it because of my friend coming to stay next week. I just hate my body so much, it really sickens me. It is also only 4 weeks until I go on holiday, and whilst we are going to Cornwall and so it will probably have rain the whole time anyway and therefore this won’t be an issue, I want to be able to wear a bikini or swimming costume on the beach without feeling too hideous, and at the moment I just couldn’t do it. Whilst it will be impossible for me to get to a comfortable weight in 4 weeks, I do really need to lose at least 7lbs or I don’t think I could do the whole swimwear thing at all, which means losing 2lbs a week basically. That is doable, as I have done it before, but not easy because lately I only seem to be able to restrict and lose weight for a week or so, and then I lose all will power and start gaining again, and I must not let that happen. I hate myself so much.

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