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>I have completely and utterly messed everything up. I emailed L at 5:45am asking for my appointment this afternoon to be cancelled and to be discharged. I didn’t give any explanation. I figured if she wanted to know or gave a shit she would phone and ask why, and if I had started trying to explain everything in the email I would have been writing it forever. I also then did something that probably wasn’t the best idea, but was better than the alternative. I was feeling so suicidal and my head was screaming at me to kill myself, so I had to harm myself in some way, and I am so shit at cutting that it never gives me enough of a release, plus it leaves something visible, and I didn’t want anything anyone could see. So I took some tablets. Not many at all. It was certainly not a suicide attempt, and not even something I would consider an overdose, although obviously technically it was. But it was very few, and nothing that could do any real damage. I just needed to do something to feel like I was hurting myself. It didn’t help much.

I slept really badly. I think I got about 3 hours, but I woke up loads of times, and so it was really interrupted. I checked my email and had a reply from her saying that she would cancel my appointment for this afternoon, and that if I wanted to be discharged she would arrange a CPA as soon as possible. I then had another email saying she had booked me in for my usual time on Tuesday and she thought we should talk about it then. I then felt really shit, and wished I hadn’t cancelled, and also felt kind of hurt that she hadn’t called to ask why I wanted to cancel or anything. I spoke to my friend A, who persuaded me to reply and ask if I could uncancel my appointment, so I did that, but she had already given away my appointment. Which I suppose was to be expected really, but it just made me totally lose it. I asked if she could call me but she said she was really busy and would try but didn’t know if she would get time, but that I could call the duty worker. I was so upset by that time that I did call and speak to someone. She was nice enough but basically just said the usual stuff about trying to distract myself, suggested having a bath or something to eat or going for a walk. She said she would speak to L when she got back and that one of them would call me back later. It turned out to be someone else again who called, who again gave me the distraction talk and said it wasn’t long until Tuesday when I could see L.

I am furious with myself for cancelling. I was being such a bloody moron. It was a crap idea. I was just so hurt and upset, and I suppose I was trying to play mind games and see how she reacted, which was a shit idea because they never work – you never get what you want. So I have been left feeling even more like she doesn’t give a shit about me, and even more alone. I suppose I was hoping she would call and ask why I wanted to cancel and then I would have spoken to her etc. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but when I got her reply today and realised how hurt I was that she had just accepted me cancelling like that. Tuesday may not seem long away to then but it feels like an eternity to me, particuarly since I should have bloody seen her this afternoon, and it is already a week and a half since I saw her. Given what I have just said about wishing I hadn’t cancelled today this will sound ridiculous, but I don’t know if I want to see her Tuesday. Every single thing that has happened this past week has made me feel less and less like I can rely on her and that makes me want to just give up on her, as I feel like she has given up on me, but I feel so completely alone without her. The trouble is, what I miss is the relationship I had with her prior to the last couple of weeks, and when I think about seeing her that is what I want. Not how I feel about it all now. I feel upset and hurt by her, and angry and upset with myself. I know I have been childish and acted stupidly today, and if I could redo things I would. But I feel like I must have some something wrong last week for her to not contact me at all, and I have no idea what. I am so confused and I don’t know where to turn.

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>I am a) absolutely furious, and b) feeling really shit. Which isn’t a great combination really. The anger is because as I wrote about a couple of months ago (here) I had to start looking after my 5 year old nephew after he finished school on Thursdays, until my sister could get here to pick him up. Although it doesn’t sound like a big deal, I have found it incredibly stressful, and I have got into a complete state at times as I have been so panicked about it. There were also a couple of times when I was supposed to be seeing T, but wasn’t able to because I had to be at home to look after my nephew, and that obviously annoyed me because I don’t often see friends, and so when I can, and feel like it, I don’t want to not be able to because I have to look after my nephew. So every week I told my mum that I really didn’t want to do it, and how anxious it made me, and then in the end after having to tell T yet again that I wouldn’t be able to see him because of looking after my nephew, I said to my mum that was the last week I would do it, and they would have to make other arrangements for the next week. Naturally they didn’t, and I had to do it again, and was really angry that I had been completely ignored yet again, and said I really was not going to do it anymore. She asked if I could just keep doing it until half term (last week) as that would give my sister time to make other arrangements, so I agreed to that, but said I was absolutely not going to do it after that, and that if I was needed for the odd afternoon because someone was ill or something then that was one thing, but I did not want it as a weekly commitment. So as far as I was concerned my responsibilites with that had finished a couple of weeks ago. Then on Monday, my mum asked me what was going to happen about him this week. I said I was under the impression that she had told my sister I wouldn’t be looking after him anymore weeks and weeks ago when we discussed it, as the whole point was that she would have time until after half term to find another arrangement. Turned out she hadn’t actually mentioned it at all, as she said she knew my sister would say how selfish and mean I was and how I only thought about myself, and she would be able to see her point. I said I didn’t care, I wasn’t doing it, and she said she would call her. I then didn’t think anything more about it, until I heard hammering on the door this afternoon. Assumed it was a delivery or something, went downstairs, and there was my nephew. I was absolutely furious. I hate that my feelings are just completely ignored – I have said so many times that I just find it too stressful, and it makes me really upset and anxious, plus I don’t want to be tied down and not able to arrange other things if I want to, but it seems like that is completely unimportant. My sister is such a bully, and as long as everything suits her then she doesn’t actually give a shit about whether something suits other people, or how it makes them feel. And I am really angry with my mum for telling me weeks and weeks ago that I only had to do it until half term, and then doing absolutely nothing about it, and then telling me again on Monday that she would speak to my sister, and again doing nothing about it. And after he had left I said to my mum how annoyed I was, and that naturally I hadn’t been expecting him today, and once again got the ‘Well I really don’t see why it is such a big deal, I don’t know why you can’t just look after him, and there is nothing about it that should make you anxious’ speech that I get from her every time. I have tried to explain that I think it is actually irrelevant that she doesn’t think it should make me anxious, as it does, and it also makes me very upset, but she is more concerned about not rocking the boat where my sister is concerned than she is about my feelings. So I am feeling really pissed off and upset about the whole thing. I don’t care if I am selfish for not doing it – I just get too stressed by it, and I don’t see why I should have to put myself through that much anxiety, just because my sister can’t be bothered to find someone to look after her child.

I think the feeling shit is primarily just the natural progression of how I have been feeling this week. My mood just seems to be dropping further. I hate this so much. Knowing what is happening, and yet being powerless to stop it. The depression is certainly getting stronger yet again, as are the suicidal thoughts. And it is continually in my mind that if I am going to act on them, I have to do it in the next few weeks, or I can’t for 2 months, and that does scare me quite a lot. I am also having thoughts that I don’t like and feel quite ashamed of. They annoy me, because they just sound so typically borderline, and I don’t want to be that. When I have thoughts that are typical of depression or disordered eating for example, obviously I hate having them because they make me feel bad, but I don’t feel anything negative towards the actual thoughts, whereas I really do about thoughts that I perceive as borderline. They always make me feel ashamed of myself and embarrassed, and so I try to just pretend they aren’t there – I often don’t write about them because I just don’t want to be thinking them. At the moment I think I am just feeling a bit envious of a couple of my friends, and I hate myself for that because they aren’t well, but I just can’t help it. It is one in particular really, my friend A who took the paracetamol overdose the other day. It sounds awful already, saying I am jealous of someone who took an overdose. She also spent around 9 months in hospital fairly recently, from about this time last year, until this summer. Anyway, she is fine, she was on a drip for a while, but she is back home now. She has been saying for a couple of weeks that she is feeling really crap and having suicidal thoughts, and obviously I have tried to be supportive and talk to her etc. But what I am finding difficult is the amount of help she gets. We had very similar histories, and she used to be in a similar position to me, and see someone weekly and that was about it. Then she started DBT, and so had quite a lot of support from that, and also got a lot of referrals to the crisis team. She had a couple of short admissions (1 week) when she was struggling. Then around this time last year she was admitted, and for some reason kept there for about 9 months. They did a lot of messing around with her meds to try and get her onto something that would help stabilise her, which made sense, but I was really amazed that they kept her in hospital for so long as she wasn’t manic or psychotic or anything else that people are usually hospitalised for a long time for, and it was just a normal acute NHS ward, not a therapeutic community or anything like that. I found it difficult sometimes when she was in hospital, as she would say she was feeling really bad for example, but some of those times I was also really struggling a lot, but on my own, without constant support like she had. But I knew that there was no way I would have wanted to be in hospital for that long when it had no therapeutic value etc, and I also thought it wasn’t a very good idea, as she would find it really hard when she left and suddenly didn’t have all of that support. As predicted, she found it difficult when she was discharged, as I think she had completely forgotten what it was like to feel really shit and not have 24/7 support, and what it is like to have suicidal thoughts and just have to get through them on your own because there is no alternative. But she had been doing ok. She was coping as well as could be expected really, and didn’t seem to be doing too badly really – the medication definitely helped her and she wasn’t self harming, and didn’t seem to be that low or suicidal – certainly a lot better than I have seen her other times. Then a couple of weeks ago she started feeling worse and telling me she was having suicidal thoughts but didn’t want to be admitted or see the crisis team, and so I tried to remind her of all the times in the past she had managed to cope with thoughts like that, and that she could do it again. And then the other day she took the overdose – it wasn’t a suicide attempt, as she told me she had done it about half an hour later, but she had bad news and she said she just did it before she had even thought about it, and she was planning to go to hospital for it etc. When I spoke to her earlier she said she was being seen by the crisis team, and if she wasn’t feeling better by Monday then she would be admitted, and she said she didn’t care either way. And for some reason I just found that really hard to hear. I think it is because of the countless times when I have been feeling so completely desperate because of how suicidal I have felt, and just how terrible I have been feeling, and just had to cope with the same amount of support as usual, ie a weekly appointment, or sometimes not even that if it has been a period when L has been away. I don’t get seen by the crisis team or offered admission. I haven’t even been admitted following suicide attempts, although I did have a couple of admissions back in 2005 when I was living away from home. And I have been feeling worse and worse over the last week or two, and the suicidal thoughts are getting stronger, but I know that it wouldn’t matter how bad things got, I still wouldn’t get that kind of support. And I do understand why, because I know I need to learn to cope with the suicidal thoughts without escaping into hospital, and that it really isn’t a solution in the long term, but sometimes I just feel so desperate, and a break from having to fight constantly to keep myself safe would just be such an enormous relief, and if I am honest I do feel jealous that she can have that if she asks, or even if she doesn’t, when I can be feeling exactly the same and get nothing. But I hate myself for thinking like that, because if she is getting more help it must be because she is more ill and needs it and deserves it more than I do, and I really shouldn’t be jealous of her for it. But I can’t help it.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as a friend I’ve not seen for 2 or 3 months sent me a text the other day asking if I was doing anything on Sunday. I said I had a concert rehearsal from 11 – 12, but was free after that. She replied asking if I would like to go out for lunch. Since I had just said I was free, I couldn’t then say I was busy, and she’s a very long term friend, who I have known since I was 4 and she was 2, and I would like to see her, but the thought of eating out is really scaring me. I always find it fairly difficult eating out, because I know it is likely to have a bad effect on my weight, but it is something I try and do anyway, because it is one of the most obvious ways of socialising with people, and actually I like some food a lot, and therefore quite like eating out – it just makes me feel guilty, and I quite often purge. But I still do it. But this time it is actually filling me with dread. I think it is because I finally, over the last week or so, seem to have got my body into a pattern of losing or maintaining every day, without really gaining at all, and I think I am just terrified of ruining that. I don’t think I have ever felt quite this scared about a meal out. I think it is because emotionally I am really feeling on the edge at the moment, and knowing that my weight is going down is the only positive I can see at all, and I am scared of what my reaction will be if the numbers start going up, as I just don’t think I can cope with any more bad feelings at the moment. I am angry with myself for letting my eating and weight get this much control over me – regardless of my weight, or what stage I have been at eating wise, ie whether I have been purging or restricting or whatever, I have always still gone for meals out, and I am just furious that I have now become so terrified by the thought of it. Why have I been able to do it for the last 7 years, and now suddenly it feels like the scariest thing evver?! I suppose it must just be because I am feeling so precarious mood wise, and so I am just desperate to cling on to the one thing in my life I can see as a positive, and I am scared that this meal will shatter that, and therefore any semblance of coping. I am scared.

I have an appointment with Dr O tomorrow. It is lucky they always book me a double slot, as I seem to have a string of things to tell her. My back still isn’t better, my hamstring/hip thing is bad, and then there is the lump thing that I should mention. Plus the usual getting my medications, her making assumptions on my mood based on whether or not I am smiling, and suggesting I learn to cross stitch if I am not doing well.

I need to sleep. I have been writing this on and off for 11 hours now. My concentration is just all over the place. I can’t think properly, and my brain just feels slowed down.

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>I am not feeling that great. I had my appointment with L this morning, but it didn’t help as much as normal. Usually I email her what I have written during the week, mostly the same as I write on here, but there are some bits I don’t usually send, for example if I have written about what we talked about in an appointment I obviously don’t bother emailing that, and there are some things I send her that don’t come on the blog, but about 90% of it is the same. Anyway, then she usually reads that before she sees me, and then some of what I have written about she picks out to talk about, and will ask me about certain things. We talk about other things as well, but we usually at least start based on some of what I have written. I find it works quite well, as I don’t have to try and remember what has happened in the last week, and she already knows what is going on so I don’t have to start from scratch with explaining things etc. Obviously I then go into more detail about what I am feeling/thinking, but it is so much easier than just walking into a room and someone saying ‘So how are you? How has your week been?’ etc.

Anyway, today it started slightly wrong because she was running late – not that much, only about 15 minutes, but she is never normally late, so I was starting to get a bit twitchy. Then I saw her come out with her patient before me, which has never happened before, and immediately take me in, and although that shouldn’t bother me, because obviously she has lots of other patients, but it was just a bit weird. And then because she was running late she took me straight in, and so I just felt a bit weird about it all. I don’t know. And then she said she was sorry but she hadn’t had time to read what I had written, as she had been caught up in a complicated case all morning. That is fair enough – I know she is often very busy, but it was a shame it was this week, as I think maybe I could have done with talking about the suicidal thoughts and what was going on with them. Of course I could have talked about them anyway, but I didn’t really what to say. ‘I am feeling suicidal but I don’t think I am going to kill myself, but knowing that if I don’t kill myself in the next few weeks I will have to live for for the next two months, and that feels like too much, so I want to kill myself now’ seemed a little random and complicated, so I just didn’t mention it. And there are some other things that I touched on in my writing, that I thought when I wrote ‘Oh I should talk about this with L’, but I couldn’t remember what they were or anything, so I obviously didn’t talk about them. And then often my appointments run longer – they are usually anything between an hour and an hour and a half, but L had to finish fairly promptly as she had a meeting to go to, so actually I think I was only with her about 50 minutes, which I do realise is a standard therapy hour, but it isn’t standard for my sessions. So overall although it was fine, but it didn’t help me as much as it often does. So yes, I am just not really feeling that great.

I am quite tired. I didn’t get enough sleep last night really. It wasn’t actually that few hours, but I really do need a decent amount to not feel like a zombie, and then I obviously had to get up this morning to see L, so I think I only got about 6 hours, which isn’t enough for me. I was going to nap this afternoon, but I decided to stay awake in the hope I would sleep better tonight. That never does seem to work, but I feel like it should! Other things going on – my weight had gone back down yesterday, and stayed the same today. I am really hoping I can get it down a bit more tomorrow. I just want it to keep going down, even if it isn’t fast. I didn’t go to ballet last night. I just didn’t really feel up to it. I wasn’t in the mood. But then I felt guilty because I had eaten what I usually eat before I dance on Monday, and so I stressed a bit about not burning off the calories etc. I suppose in the end it was ok because I maintained my weight, but maybe I would have lost if I had gone to ballet… I did go to the sing through. It was ok. I still don’t know what I want to do about it, but I thought I may as well go to the sing throughs to keep my options open. I have another one tonight. Then ballet tomorrow. Which I must go to. Blah. I just don’t feel like leaving the house at the moment at all.

I think I might have a cyst or a tumour. I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but I do. I have had a lump on my face, literally just below my ear, for quite a while now. I can’t remember when I first noticed it. It was definitely within the last year, but it might have been more recent than that. Maybe only a few months ago. I don’t know. My memory is atrocious. I did mean to mention it to my GP last time I saw her, but I forgot. Anyway, last night I decided to google it, as you do. I wasn’t quite sure what to search, so I started typing ‘lump face’ and google’s first suggestion was ‘near ear’, which I thought was quite interesting, as it means it must be quite common, so I searched for that. It came up with lots of information about tumours on the salivary glands, mostly the parotid gland, and in pictures that looks like exactly the right place, although all the ones in the pictures are big and mine isn’t. It is only very tiny, not even as big as a pea, and it doesn’t hurt at all, but I suppose I should probably get it checked out. I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, so I will mention it then. I perhaps won’t mention I have diagnosed myself with a paratid tumour with the help of Dr Google, as I think Doctors prefer you to allow them to do their job themselves.

A friend of mine took an overdose this afternoon. It is my friend A. She came online and talked to me and said she was really sorry and that I was going to be angry with her, and I said I wouldn’t be angry, but asked what she had done, and she said taken too many Paracetamol, so I asked how many, and she said 32 and a few Zopiclone. She said she was feeling really bad and she had done it before she had even really thought about it. She doesn’t live anywhere near me, so there wasn’t much I could do, but I asked her for the phone number for her housing support worker, which she gave me, so I called her, and she got an ambulance round there for her, so she is at the hospital now. I wish she could have talked to me before rather than after, but I am glad she told me and that she is being treated. I am not angry obviously. I am just concerned. And part of me wishes it was me, although I wouldn’t have told anyone. It sounds awful, but when I was looking up the lump on my face last night I thought maybe it would be cancer and if I didn’t have treatment it would kill me, and then I wouldn’t have to kill myself. And then I hated myself for thinking that. So many people are so desperate to live, and sometimes I just feel evil for even thinking about wanting to die and suicide.

Overall it hasn’t really been a great day…

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>Random musings

>The last few days have been tough. I think I have just felt pretty wiped out by everything. I also seem to be very irritable – pretty much everyone says is pissing me off. And I am having definite trust issues. Right now I don’t feel like I trust anyone at all. I am not even sure what it is I don’t trust people with. I think just to speak to them generally. I have felt quite let down by some people lately (including L, although I know it wasn’t her fault), and it is just making me want to keep everyone at arm’s length. I often feel with friendships like I am the one putting in the effort – I have several friends who I would never ever see if I didn’t arrange things, and with most of my friends it feels like I am always the one who has to do the contacting. I don’t know how many friends I would have if I just left it and didn’t contact them at all. In fact, I did do that recently with a friend. She is one of the few friends I have who lives locally, and I usually arrange to see her maybe every 2 or 3 weeks on average, and speak to her online a lot. Anyway, a few weeks ago I had repeatedly tried to contact her, both online and on her phone, and she wasn’t replying at all. I knew she was coming online as I could see her doing things on Facebook, so she was just ignoring me. She does also have problems with Depression etc, and does tend to isolate when she is going through a bad patch, but we had made tentative plans to meet up, but then I hadn’t been able to get hold of her, and then I kept trying to contact her, and in the end I just sent her a text saying that I hadn’t been able to get hold of her for a while and so I would stop trying and leave it to her when she wanted to talk, and that I hoped she was ok. I then didn’t hear anything from her until I had a message from her on Facebook saying Happy Birthday, and she also sent me a text that day saying sorry she hadn’t been in contact, but that she hadn’t had any credit on her phone. I then spoke to her online today, and she wanted to talk because she was finding things really hard and so needed someone to talk to etc, so we talked for quite a while about what was going on with her etc. I just feel like with quite a lot of my friends I am always here when they need me, or try to be, but in between they will just ignore me. It wouldn’t have hurt for her to send a quick text or message on Facebook saying that she didn’t really feel like meeting up or chatting, but that she would contact me when she did, but I just heard absolutely nothing from her for weeks, and I kind of just feel like that is a bit rude really. It isn’t the first time it has happened but I just wish she would let me know – if someone tried to call me and I didn’t feel like talking then I would send them a text saying that, but it just seems a bit rude to ignore someone completely. People confuse me. At the moment it feels safer not to let anyone in, not to be close to anyone, because then they can’t let you down or upset you.

I am having strong suicidal thoughts at the moment. Very intense actually. And for the first time in a while, there isn’t really anything to stop me acting on them. Well, there are all the usual reasons of not upsetting people etc, but at times like this it feels like there would be very few people who would genuinely miss me if I wasn’t here. I admit there would be people who would be initially upset, and who might think they missed me, but when I think about who I speak to in a typical day or week, it is the same few people over and over again. Apart from those few people, I often wonder how long it would take people to notice that I wasn’t here, if they weren’t told. The only friend who bothered to send me a Birthday card was A, who has been in hospital for the last 8 months. But anyway, apart from not hurting people that there are no real reasons. Ok, I am rehearsing a couple of productions, but one I could be very, very easily replaced, as they haven’t even got to the point of blocking my scenes yet, and won’t for another 6 weeks or so, so that doesn’t even count really. The Tempest would be more of a problem in that respect, since it is on in 3 weeks, but I am going to be so shit in it that it would probably be better for them if I wasn’t in it. I don’t know how I am going to learn my lines. I have 3 weeks until the first performance, and I know about half my first speech and that is it. I just don’t have the concentration or motivation to learn them. And I find it so frustrating, because I used to learn lines so easily.

I was thinking earlier about how much of my identity is caught up in performing, to the point where I don’t know who I am without it. I have been dancing since before I can remember, and been acting and singing for years and years now. For as long as I can remember I have wanted my career to be in performing. When I was very young I wanted to be a dancer, then when I got older I realised I would never be good enough to be a dancer, that I had left it all too late in terms of good training etc, and I got far more passionate about Musical Theatre and acting. But performing really is all I have ever wanted to do. When I was younger, everyone else changed their mind fairly regularly about what they wanted to do when they grew up. I never did. Then performing groups outside of school were the first place I felt comfortable, and like I belonged, and where I was happy. People started telling me I was talented. I felt like I was good at something. There were about 2000 students at my 6th Form College, and all 3 years I was there I was known as the best singer. I got all the solos in all the concerts. Random people used to come up to me afterwards and ask if I was going to go to drama school and perform professionally. The college principal knew me from all the concerts etc and used to stop and chat to me when he saw me, which in a place that size was pretty unusual. After the auditions for the college show I was given the choice of what part I wanted. The music tech students used to get me to record the vocal parts for whatever they had to record. At school I had always felt very average, despite it being less than a tenth of the size. I was never given big parts or anything at school, and then I was somewhere much bigger and yet loads of people knew who I was, and knew who I was because of my performing. I always kept performing, even after I had stopped everything else because of my mental health problems. Not so much performing in public, but I always kept up with my singing and dance lessons etc. A few years ago I used to go to a MIND drop in centre, and again I was always known as the singer there. They used to do a couple of concert type things a year as fundraisers, and I was always put on as the finale. Even when I was feeling really, really awful, and going through a really bad patch when one of them was on, I still went on and performed. I couldn’t cope with going into a shop afterwards, but I could sing for the mayor. When I was on stage, it was like being a different person. It doesn’t seem to work anymore. I just don’t care about anything. I get brief times sometimes when I get really enthusiastic and excited, and it is always about theatre, so I know that deep down I still care about it really. I just don’t most of the time. I think the problems I have been having with my voice the last couple of years have contributed to that. I started finding my singing lessons more and more frustrating, because my voice just wouldn’t do what I wanted it to, and what it used to be able to do. In the end, about 18 months ago, I stopped having singing lessons – my singing teacher moved away, and I felt too bad about my voice to go to anyone else. I did try a couple of other teachers, just one lesson with each, but I felt embarrassed at how awful I sounded, and what they must be thinking of me, so I didn’t go back. With one of the teachers, my voice literally cracked on every single note. I don’t often sing now, and I don’t know how I will ever get back to it. I am seeing a voice therapist now, who is hoping to be able to help to some extent, at least with my speaking voice. But I have been told by several people, including her, that my mental health problems are likely to be a large contributory factor to it – your voice is really delicate, and for some people any tension just goes straight to the voice. So I can’t sing anymore. I have lost a large part of my identity with that. I have a lot of difficulty learning lines now, due to lack of concentration and motivation, so acting is a problem too, plus of course I have to use my voice when I am acting too. And even dance, which has always been my weakest of the 3 disciplines, has gone wrong, because of my shin splints coming back. They have been getting worse and worse, so they are now back to the stage when they are painful even when I am walking, and I can’t jump at all. And I have no idea what has caused them this time. So overall, performing is really bad at the moment, and that has been my identity, my passion, my everything, for so many years. I feel like I have lost every sense of who I am now. Most of it went when I first started having problems with Depression etc, but now it feels like the remaining vestiges of who I am have disappeared. I am nobody. I am nothing. I have no skills. I have no talent. I have no personality. I am just an empty shell. And I can’t live as an empty shell.

I am due to see L in 8 hours. I have this feeling she is going to cancel. I don’t know why – I have no reason to think that whatsoever, except she did last week. I just have a feeling.

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>Well I can safely say that was the worst birthday I have ever had. I never enjoy birthdays, but that was incredibly hard. We had to leave at 8am, so I was absolutely exhausted as that meant getting up at 7, and I don’t usually get to sleep until 2 or 3 hours before that. The funeral itself was fine I suppose, or as much as funerals ever can be. Obviously it was upsetting, because funerals always are. It was also really difficult, because throughout the day people were saying how much of a shock his death had been because he seemed to be doing alright, and was physically fairly healthy, or as much as he ever was. I couldn’t stop thinking that it was my fault, and that the reason it was so unexpected was because he shouldn’t have died, and wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for me. So that was really difficult having that constantly rolling through my head. And funerals always make me think about my own funeral too, and really ramp up the suicidal thoughts. When we came out from the funeral I wandered off by myself for a while whilst everyone was talking, I just needed to be by myself. So that was all hard, but pretty much what I had expected.

Then we went back to the bungalow. I said I was staying in the car. My parents tried to persuade me to go in, but I really didn’t want to, so I stayed in the car and lay down on the back seat, as I figured I may as well try and get some sleep in. I vaguely wondered if I would die if I stayed in the car long enough, as it was so hot, but decided I probably wouldn’t, or it would be a pretty common suicide method. After about half an hour (I think) one of my cousins came out and asked if I was going to come in, and I said that I didn’t  want to, and she said that lots of people were sitting out in the garden so I could do that, so I said I didn’t want to then, but maybe would later so that she would leave me alone (I am a bitch, yes). A while after that my mum came back out and made me go back with her, although I still didn’t want to. It wasn’t too bad I suppose. I sat and talked to people, but I felt really uncomfortable and I just wanted to get home. There was also loads and loads of food there, and I ate a lot more than I felt comfortable with. I really wanted to purge, but that obviously wasn’t an option, so I just had to sit there feeling horrible about it. My mum had said in the end yesterday that we would stay a couple of hours and then go. Seemingly a couple in her language means over five. I was quite upset by that, because she knew I hadn’t wanted to go there, she knew I hadn’t wanted to stay, she had told me we would stay a couple of hours and then go, and we ended up not leaving until about 5:45, which just made me feel like what I wanted and felt was being completely ignored.

We got home about 8 and I felt like complete shit – I think a combination of funerals always being upsetting, feeling personally responsible for this one, always disliking birthdays, having such a shit birthday, feeling let down by my parents over how long we would stay afterwards, being tired, feeling crap about what I had eaten, usual low mood, and suicidal thoughts. I came straight upstairs to my room. My mum asked if I wanted to go downstairs and open my cards and presents (she seized the opportunity to go into town for an hour when I had a voice therapy appointment the other day, but said there is nothing very interesting!), but I said that I didn’t want to – I had had a crap day and would rather leave it until tomorrow. My parents then both said that my day hadn’t been that bad, and that I had quite enjoyed myself some of the time. That made me really bloody angry. For a start, I hate it when people assume they know what you are thinking and how you are feeling. I have spent the entire day feeling like shit and wanting to cry – I am still feeling like that now and we have been home for 5 hours. And it also pissed me off because I hate the way they assume that if I am smiling or chatting or something then that means I am happy. They know damn well that I often hide how I am feeling, and they knew that I had said all along that I didn’t want to go back to the house after, that I was very uncomfortable with it, that I didn’t want to stay long, etc, and so them saying that I had enjoyed myself made me so angry. Particularly from my mum, who always claims she can tell how I am feeling even if I am trying to hide it – I always say that she has no idea, which is shown time and time again, and I think today has proved that yet again. I have a sum total of 3 cards – how popular am I?! I could tell by the writing on the envelopes when they arrived who they were from – one is from my friend A, another is from one of my brothers, and then the third is from my parents. Considering I have 2 other siblings, other friends that I send cards to, and saw a lot of family today I think that is a particularly low number. It isn’t about the number of cards really. Well in a way it is, because cards show that people are thinking of you enough to send a card, and that they care. It sounds stupid and like a big overreaction, but it makes me think how few people would actually miss me if I wasn’t here. I am being self absorbed and whiny, so I will go to bed now I think. I am exhausted – I think mostly emotionally.

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>A

>I am not feeling too great. It has been quite a tiring week really I suppose, and just quite hard to deal with. It has been tiring being out every night, and being around people. The play has been going alright I think. I have the last performance tonight. Got to leave for the theatre in half an hour, I really should be doing things like eating and showering and getting myself ready rather than sitting in bed writing this and watching Come Dine With Me. Ah well.

I don’t think I have written on here before about one of my closest friends. We will call her A. I first met her about 6 or 7 years ago on an Eating Disorder support message board. We then started talking on MSN, and on the phone, and then met up, and she has come to stay with me several times. She lives a few hours drive away so I don’t get to see her very often, but we have always talked a lot in between seeing each other etc. We are very similar. We have a very similar sense of humour (pretty black), and have always joked about how alike we are. She has pretty much the same diagnoses as me, and in terms of thoughts etc we have always been very similar. Behaviourally we are also fairly similar, although she has always self harmed more than me – I rarely self harm, whereas she does it quite a lot. We have always supported each other a lot and tried to be there when the other has been struggling.

A has spent the last 7 months in hospital on a section 3. I miss her. We still talk, but not as much as we used to. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can, but it is hard when I am struggling too. I think I have probably missed her support. It has also kind of scared me a bit. Like I said, we have always been very similar, and it scares me that she has been on a section for so long. Although I have been in hospital a couple of times it hasn’t been on a section. I don’t know – I suppose I just think that if it can happen to her than it could happen to me. I don’t really understand why they have kept her there for so long. She has been struggling, but I don’t really think more so than other times. Prior to this she had only ever had 1 week long voluntary crisis admissions, and then suddenly she has been on a section for 7 months.

They are looking into a theraputic community for her for when she leaves hospital. I shouldn’t be jealous of that but I am. For several years now I have felt like that would be what would be most likely to help me. Probably partly because it seems to be about the only thing that I haven’t tried. And partly because I feel like I would be able to move on more in a therapy sense if I was somewhere I felt safe rather than leaving sessions and going back home and having to cope with the suicidal thoughts on my own. I wish that a theraputic community was an option for me. A and I used to talk about how we thought that would be the most helpful thing for us. Now she is likely to be getting that, but no longer seems to want it. Which I can understand because I know she can’t see things getting changing and she thinks she is never going to get better. I can relate to that. But I wish I could have the opportunity of going to a theraputic community for treatment. But I feel guilty because she has spent the last 7 months in hospital, and will probably be there for quite a while longer yet. And I am not jealous of that – I think that would be really difficult. But I am jealous that she is going to get the treatment I feel could help me but I can’t have.

Edit – I just noticed that this was my 100th post!

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